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Purpose

• Notes from meeting with Grace Abanavas (About Me — Grace's Portfolio (graceabanavas.com))

Background

• I have no formal education in KM/Librarianship and I'm really curious to learn more about that experience from your perspective and what your ideal career trajectory looks like. I'm also interested to get your thoughts on the philosophy behind the product I've been working on and using for a while we call Laddice. And I'm happy to share more about my experiences and processes if it's something you're interested in.

Notes

1/10/2022

• Shared about main@SIKM.groups.io | Home

• Home - ResearchOps

  • Umbrella for KM and UX

  • Join Slack group

    • Submitted on 1/10 but said there would be up to 4 week wait time

• Information science background

  • Libraries since 16

  • From CA and moved to NY

  • 8 hours interviews for academic librarianship

  • Got into UX

• Hard to define bounds of KM

• UXPT Chapter in Ohio?

  • Can find people wanting to build resume and help us

  • UXPA Cleveland

• Set up Grace with Laddice account

  • Respond to her email about Incremental Onboarding after discussion with Tara

• Follow up with another meeting in 1 to 2 months?

  • 2/28: Tara got in touch with Grace and she shared that she was most interested and struggling with the Personal Mission Statement

  • 3/2: Discussed: Meeting Queue (pA: Tara/Alex) @ Alex to setup a follow meeting with Grace, but Tara advised not to reach out until after 3/14.

  • 3/19: Re: Laddice Account Requested by: gaabanavas@yahoo.com - azichettello@gmail.com - Gmail (google.com)

• Document shared for feedback

  • Various Communication (Grace & Alex)

4/6/2022

• Had very casual conversation about missions statements, values and personal psychology.

• Reviewed Our Values Planning @ Individual Value Assessment and she liked the idea of ranking -2 to +2

• Went through My Life Purpose (Alex) and shared some other activities that I did

• Talked about Benjamin Franklin and life logging

  • Talked about biases and being open to seeing that faults in ourselves

  • Use of Thought Reminders and Habit Reminders in Laddice

• Talked about societal pressures to conform and how our generation has struggled with parents pushing us to conform

• She said she found it very helpful to talk through this stuff and see more perspectives.

  • We share a lot of the same life perspectives.

  • She is looking for focus more but tends to get involved in too much and has very little free time.

    • She would like more free time to explore/reflect

  • Plan to meet again sooner to keep up the conversation and look for more opportunities to mutually benefit.

Purpose

• Track my activities with Edward Hill, LISW-S

  • Licensed Independent Social Worker with Supervision (LISW-S)

Policies

PRACTICE POLICIES

APPOINTMENTS AND CANCELLATIONS: If you need to cancel or reschedule an appointment, please notify me at least 24 hours in advance. There is a $50 cancelation fee for appointments that are canceled with less than 24 hours notice. This is necessary because a time commitment is made to you and is held exclusively for you.

The standard meeting time for psychotherapy is 50 minutes.

TERMINATION

Ideally, termination will take place after you have reached your goals. If therapy is terminated before you have reached your goals, or if you request another therapist, I will provide you with a list of qualified psychotherapists to treat you. You may also choose someone on your own or from another referral source.

Reminders/Tasks

• Moved to Therapy Insights and Reminders @ Key Notes on 12/30/2022

Therapy Notes

4/13

• Quick References:

  • Self Consultation for My Stage of Need @ Overall Thoughts

  • Self Consultation for My Stage of Need @ List of Blocks and Weights

  • Life Strategy Reassessment @ Concerns

  • Life Strategy Reassessment @ What do I really want to be?

  • Sexual Insights

  • Other Notes About Grace @ It got me thinking whether I should really just close that door on expressing any interest more than platonically in her. I seem to never make any good platonic female friends and maybe it’s because I’m just so sexually/romantically driven and I’m starting to feel bad about it.

  • Goal: Find a Therapist (Alex) @ Background

  • Mental Health (Alex) @ List of Mental Challenges

  • Things that make me uncomfortable (Alex) @ Things That Make Me Uncomfortable

  • My Life - Updates March 22, 2022 (since June 2021) @ Notable (in no specific order)

  • Alex life log - December 2020 @ Came up with idea or calling these phases my Emo(de) or ECmo(de) for existential crisis mode

  • My Life - Updates March 22, 2022 (since June 2021)

  • Goal: Find a Therapist (Alex) @ Activity

  • Goal: Find a Therapist (Alex) @ Overall self assessment

  • Goal: Find a Therapist (Alex) @ Goals for therapy

  • Goal: Find a Therapist (Alex) @ My Requests

  • List of Fears

  • Fear of not feeling good enough

  • I feel like I'm

  • Fear of letting people down

Session Notes - 2022

April 2022

Session #1: 4/13

• 2:05 - 3:03 pm

• Edward interested in learning more about and trying Laddice…very intersted in using it for qualititative analysis

  • Research Darin Hardy

• Talked a lot about my partners and business…need to talk more about me next time

• Next session Tuesday 4/19 at 2PM

Session #2: 4/19

• 2:05-3:05 pm

• He said I can call him Ed or Edward but maybe Ed was preferred

• Shared more about my upbringing and key experiences in my life including the kindergarten incident, depression after meeting Emma, family dynamic, the conflict between my dad and mom’s families, my memory of the gogo bar, Ben’s conspiracy theories, Salvia, etc.

• Asked me what issues both my partners would agree that I should work on. Decided these should be our focus:

  1. Anxiety

  2. Trusting others

  3. Identifying my own emotions

• DBT and CBT are recommended

  • He doesn’t follow either strictly…he really tries to find what works

  • Asked for book recommendation - He said he would look into one that targets my specific needs

• Next session is 4/26 at 2pm

Session #3: 4/26

• Pre-meeting notes:

  • Should be more specific about Anxiety: I’m anxious about several key things:

    1. Letting people down or hurting others —> Affecting my ability to explore polyamory

    2. Not being good enough —> Affecting my willingness to do more with Laddice

    3. Not making a difference in the world —> Makes me feel like relaxing and other things are a waste of time

    4. Being seen as being stupid —> Causes social anxiety, fear of public speaking

  • Should be more specific about Identifying my own emotions: Identifying and expressing my emotions (being vulnerable)

  • Want to establish formal goals tied to my therapy —> See Alex's Goals (Ongoing) @ Pending - Hold Until Next Therapy Session

• Notes

  • 2:05pm-3:05pm

  • Variations of mindfulness will help

    • Body scans

  • Psycilosibin

    • Perspective change

    • Or can deepen emotional experience and help with connected to body —> microdose

      • Some people get same experience from THC

  • I’d benefit from thoughts slowing down

    • Get myself off rabbit wheel

      • If I can do it once, can do it again

  • Encouraging me to have these experiences with other people

  • Disconnect from anxiety habits

  • Singing is good example

  • If feeling restlessness, get away from screens and maybe talk to someone

  • HALT - hungry, angry, lonely, tired

    • Daily rhyhtm is helpful

  • Practice when I get in zombie mode

    • Need to feel through the tiredness

      • Equal sharing with partners —> Let them know they can push me in this state

  • Expressing anxiety helps

    • Express feeling in the moment

  • What actions are helping me help others?

    • Self care

    • Being open

  • I have all the skills and knowledge to address my problems…just need to find the right balance

    • Experiment —> Avoid systemizing anything…this is why he doesn’t want to recommend anything specifically

      • Taking notes is okay, but find the right balance…don’t overdo note taking

      • See all items in blue and experiment

  • Next session: May 9th at 2pm (he’s off next week for moving)

May 2022

Session #4: 5/9

• Pre-meeting notes:

  • Things I tried:

    • Took a walk alone in the woods

      • Felt awkward walking around people alone but was nice to see the water flow

    • Met new people and went to a work event and was very social

      • Goal: Talk to 5 New People (Alex) @ I have to remember to monitor and reign in my negative self talk regarding social interactions

    • Tried to identify the sensations associated with my anxiety — Was challenging

      • Primarily notice a sense of tighteness in chest and feeling like my heart is beating inconsistently…just don’t feel well

      • I only notice the sweating after —> Submitting proposal to potential client and noticed I was sweating after

    • 5/7: Microdosed an edible (0.25) of chocolate from Tara

      • Definitely felt it and thought it was a good amount

    • 5/8: Livingroom fort with Leanne and Tara

• Notes

  • Started 2:05pm

  • Wherever You Go There You Are

    • Read physical book —> Amazon ($10)

      • Read like bible to help me

  • Retroflection

    • Ed thinks I may do this

    • Keeping in; flowing energy

    • https://evolutioncounseling.com/retroflection-in-gestalt/

    • https://www.quora.com/What-is-retroflection-in-Gestalt-therapy

      • Retroflection ‘is the turning back’ of something onto the self.

      • The direction of energy when being angry or sad should be outwards; that is I am sad so I cry, or I am angry so I shout. When someone is retroflecting, they turn that emotion back on themselves. This can result in a few things, suppressing the emotion, numbness, disassociation or self harming.

      • People will often retroflect, when it has not been safe or acceptable for them to express their emotions. So someone who is constantly told that ‘crying is for babies’, will learn to retroflect their sadness and stop crying. In time, they may disconnect from their sadness and stop feeling it so they might say ‘I don’t get sad’.

  • Projection - other people

  • Cognitive distortions list

    • Get aware of thought patterns

      • Identify them and step back

      • Slow down

      • Ed will send me resource

  • Yoga nedra or body scans

    • Mental version of yoga

    • Ed send me resources

  • Ask partners if they notice times in which they think I’m going to say something but don’t or they otherwise feel like I’m withholding my thoughts/feelings from them

  • Things that make me uncomfortable (Alex) @ Being put on the spot to make a decision that will inevitably upset someone

  • Next session: May 18th, 2pm

Session #5: 5/18

• Pre meeting notes

  • Anything I want to focus on?

    • Therapy with Edward Hill, LISW-S @ Things that make me uncomfortable (Alex) @ Being put on the spot to make a decision that will inevitably upset someone

    • Speaking my mind when it is something someone else may be upset by or take offense to is very difficult for me. I fear reinforcing the thing I’m scared of…being selfish and being a bad person.

  • Alex's Goals (Ongoing) @ 5/12: Decided to start another book that Leanne downloaded for herself: No Bad Parts

  • 5/13/2022: AJR concert - had 0.25 piece of edibles but didn’t feel anything

  • Relationship Meetings (Alex & Tara) @ We had a long discussion where Tara was able to practice being patient which helped Alex. Alex had the following insights:

  • 5/17/2022: Argument with Tara after I felt she treated me with disrespect by cutting me off talking quite rudely. I told her how I felt leading to an argument, me sharing my negative feelings about her attitude towards me and others and then her being supportive to help me feel better. Ended up crying as I attempted to be vulnerable and told struggled to speak but told her I was scared to be selfish. She hugged me, apologized and suggested I learn to do things just for me.

• Notes

  • 2:10PM-3:05PM

  • Why does everyone think I’m so patient?

    • Am I truly patient or just good at suppressing my feelings?

  • Told Ed about my toddler behavior of holding my breath

    • This along with my tendencies to pretend sleep are examples of flights from what I’m feeling

  • I tend to “global label” when I’m angry about something

    • Talked about “ecmode”

      • Alex life log - December 2020 @ Came up with idea or calling these phases my Emo(de) or ECmo(de) for existential crisis mode

    • Avoid global labeling

      • Focus on the specific situation and try to not fall into extracting greater meaning

  • When I’m upset and expressing my feelings:

    • Try to pick a time when my partners aren’t already triggered themselves

    • Be specific

    • Slow down

    • Keep eye contact even if cry

    • Mirror their body language

  • What are my negative core beliefs?

    • I’m stupid

    • I’m socially inept

    • What are the rest?

      • 5/26: I want to start a list of these:

        • Mental Health (Alex) @ Core Beliefs

  • Am I suppressing jealousy?

  • Let my partners be there for me the way I’ve been there for them

    • I trust them, whether I acknowledge it or not

  • Regarding identifying my preferences:

    • This isn’t something to think about…this is about feeling in the moment

    • Let myself explore what seems to be attractive decisions to me.

      • Accept that this is for my benefit and that my partners want to help me, even if it’s not their preference

  • Practice talking about talking about these conversations…it’s easier than just talking about my feelings directly if it’s too hard

  • Next appointment 5/26 at 3pm

Session #6: 5/26

• Pre-meeting notes

  • Alex's Goals (Ongoing) @ 5/12: Decided to start another book that Leanne downloaded for herself: No Bad Parts

  • 5/22: Meeting CJ yesterday and the stress of not remembering everything, worrying she would think I’m just talking to her for sex, and Tara’s reaction. Subsequent conversation with Tara analyzing my scarcity mindset towards people that I connect with.

    • I should just do what I feel like doing but what is that? Different parts have different perspectives. I don’t want to be a person that wants to have sex with every female I make a connection with and yet I develop an attraction for them —> Scarcity mindset?

    • Why do I expect so little of others but so much of myself? I want to be the best to compensate for feeling so empty?

  • 5/24: Ongoing debates with Ben over two days. He insists on claiming the show I like it manipulating me and my partners.

    • Don't give up, let go

  • 5/25: When Tara was teasing me and I wasn’t in the mood I got uncomfortable and laughed it off but she kept asking me to express myself and I shutdown and couldn’t talk. After my run, I talked to her about it. She seemed anxious about making me uncomfortable and not just curious so that seemed to be what triggered the shut down

  • 5/26: Mental Health (Alex) @ Core Beliefs

• Notes

  • 3:05PM-4:00PM

  • IFS and EMDR are hot thing in psychology

  • Monitoring porn is a good thing —> Suggested I keep logging

    • Better to watch things you do or want to do and with people who look like your partners

  • Talk to Leanne about sex

    • This is something I noticed about myself

    • Scared to engage

    • Hard to turn down

  • Can I use playfulness to help engage Leanne sexually?

  • Recommend doing parts mapping with my partners rather than myself

    • Will establish fertile ground

    • Can do altogether

  • Next session: 5/31 at 4pm

Session #7: 5/31

• Pre-meeting notes

  • Meditation and reading Wherever you go, there you are

  • Parts work

  • Trying to talk to Leanne/Tara yesterday, but Tara’s confrontation with Leanne and reaction

  • Talked to Leanne about wanting to be more intimate with her

    • She shared that she wanted to as well

    • Didn’t have sex but cuddled a lot

    • She wants to talk more about it this evening

  • Tara’s anxiety

  • 4825 stress

• Notes

  • 4:05pm-5:05pm

  • Shadow side

    • https://www.successfulculture.com/stronger-culture-using-johari-window/

      • 

    • Discuss with partners

    • Do it with partners

    • Ask for permission to tell them things

  • For having poly meetings:

    • Pre-grounding - take it seriously

    • Regular check-ins - true pauses

    • Consider establishing rules of talking

      • Talking stick

  • Keep exploring dad thing

  • Next session: Tuesday 7th at 2pm

June 2022

Session #8: 6/7

• Pre-meeting thoughts:

  • New parts recognized:

    • Destroyer part - It’s the part that globalizes and frequently believes that the solution to problem is to eliminate certain people or group of people (like Thanos from Marvel)

    • Sadist part - Romanticizes and is turned on by torture…earliest memory was of fantasies of sexually torturing a girl that bullied everyone on our bus in elementary school. It acted as an outlet for my anxiety/anger and it calmed me.

    • Starting to feel overwhelmed by the lack of clarity about these areas in my mind.

      • Would really like to document more about them but have been waiting to discuss in greater detail with Tara/Leanne.

  • Trying to talk to Tara about parts work

    • She is wanting to explore hidden areas of herself know too

    • But she’s been anxious about a lot of stuff and I felt like she was getting really defensive when I started bringing up Johari window

  • Moving situation and Tara’s anxieties leaking into me

    • She said she wasn’t ready to live with me and Leanne and refused to even do so for a short period

    • Then after her surgery and she was relieved, she changed her mind

  • Anxiety after leaving Tara for her surgery and not having hugged before she left me

    • How I dealt with that anxiety with sexual distractions with Abbey whom randomly messaged me.

  • Initiation of sex with Leanne and anxiety when I saw on my watch that Tara texted me

  • Anxiety about Leanne’s birthday weekend party

    • Tara planned most of it but I was anxious about her not thinking through everything even though she’s generally good at this stuff

      • She’s not as careful as I am when it comes to things

  • Meeting and getting to know Rizvi, Leanne’s kinda new boy friend

    • Connected with him very well and like him a lot

    • Got too drunk and later threw up —> Very rare for me to let myself drink so much…usually too anxious but was very relaxed about it this time

  • Not feeling well mentally and lacking motivation 6/6 morning

    • Completion of my in-person 1-on-1 interviews and the sense of being overwhelmed with challenges of work

      • Decided to step away from work more often, limit my hours and take more vacation days

  • Discussion with Leanne that went well

    • Discussed intimacy/sex and came up with plans to be more playful and explore more

    • Talked about my parts work and wanting to explore more together —> Discussed Johari window and noticed that the 8 C’s of IFS have a lot of overlap with my personal mission statement: Internal Family System (IFS) Notes @ My Life Purpose (Alex) @ My Personal Mission Statement

  • Stress about gaining weight and fat —> A part of me is very vain about my appearance and prides itself on having an excellent physique.

• Notes

  • 2:07pm-3:05pm

  • Therapy with Edward Hill, LISW-S @ How I dealt with that anxiety with sexual distractions with Abbey whom randomly messaged me.

    • Ed thinks nothing wrong with it if it didn’t breach our agreements

      • Notes from convo with Tara then Leanne - March 2022 @ She's okay with me continuing to sext Abbey as long as it's not when Tara's around or we are having quality time, including leaving to text her or hiding my messaging

    • Why do I feel so bad about it?

      • Connection to sense of pity for helpless people/things (like my stuffed animals)?

      • What is inclination in these moments?

        • Dopamine?

  • Therapy with Edward Hill, LISW-S @ Starting to feel overwhelmed by the lack of clarity about these areas in my mind.

    • Should I document my parts?

      • Typically Ed would say yes but for me, there is greater opportunity in focusing on the feelings:

        • Avoid tendency to systematize my feelings

          • Focus on the feelings

          • Can let partners take charge of documenting

          • Also avoid documenting during meetings with them…be engaged and fully present during meetings

            • Regarding my P/K-M Consultations with Leanne and Tara

              • Be careful about letting this bleed into our relationship.

                • I tend to be a diligent note taker but don’t allow that to prevent me from being fully engaged with my feelings

                  • These are valuable skills that are better to do for business clients or friends, not partners

          • He doesn’t think it’s bad that I document my therapy notes or plans for what to discuss

  • Next meeting: 6/14 at 3pm

Session #9: 6/14

• Pre-meeting notes

  • 6/8: Argument with Tara after she read my thoughts about her complaining about Leanne not trying hard enough during last poly group meeting

    • She doubled down in her defensiveness and told me her support of me has nothing to do with her working on herself.

    • I told her she didn’t need to do any personal parts work and we can focus just on me, but I told her that it was especially challenging to me when I felt she reacts defensively to me sharing my feelings.

    • I explained about a very sensitive part that I have that I don’t let out much. It kind of just came to me and I was able to explore the emotions of my relationship with stuffed animals since a toddler and how upset I was losing Bear I and the shame of still caring about my stuffed animals and even feeling the need to pet each one before I went to bed. This feeling also transferred to animals and when Tara said it must be tough to deal with Loki having cancer, I started crying uncontrollably and more than I can ever recall since being a kid. She hugged me through it.

      • I think that part is a younger toddler that was exiled due to shame of being too sensitive as a child and feeling judged for being attached to my stuffed animals. I just remembered my blanket too.

      • The rest of the evening I felt kind of empty and numb and woke up feeling odd and maybe somewhat depressed.

  • 6/9: Found myself globalizing as a result of being frustrated about people being closed minded in politics when I learned about Fox news not airing Jan 6th hearings.

    • Tara accused me of acting elitist when I asked her why gas prices are the biggest issues people are upset about and it was political manipulation.

    • Went on a walk with Tara to cool down and talked through my feelings and how I really just wanted us to be on the same level regarding our parts work.

      • She said she can support me but her journey is hers.

        • Made me feel a little alone.

  • 6/10: Finished No Bad Parts and a little confused as to where to go from here. I feel like I have a distinctly different perspective of my feelings and thoughts as well as those of others now though.

    • Went for a run and was more open minded about the negative sensation I felt while running. It helped me push myself harder and I ran significantly faster than I have in a while.

      • I realized I’ve developed some association between tired legs while running and pressure to succeed and at some point I decided I didn’t want that pressure and stopped pushing myself as hard as I used to, especially when I competed in races.

      • I’ve felt like I’m just getting older and out of shape, but maybe it’s just my relationship with my muscle tiredness that has changed.

  • 6/11: Restructured our poly group meeting to use a “talking pillow” and both Leanne and Tara were skeptical but gave it a shot and it worked really well for all of us.

    • Additionally, we took no notes and I asked Leanne and Tara to handle that after the discussion. I was anxious about the lack of capturing of tasks we agreed to but let them handle it.

    • They also agreed to each share a document with me with their notes/observations about my parts, separately (since they worried about being too open with each other about their observations). Then we will talk about it as a group on some periodic basis.

  • 6/12: Used same feeling stick concept during my meeting with Tara and went really well. Wanting to try some methods for this at work. Any more professional methods?

• 3:05PM-4:10PM

  • Where did the young child come from?

    • What does it need?

      • To feel like it has a dependable, stable caretaker?

        • Experiences of my parents fighting and feeling like I needed to take care of my mom and defend her from my dad?

  • Do I have multiple dad parts?

    • Transference from my dad?

      • Competitive part? Tough guy part?

        • Intend to be gentle but these parts come out?

  • Politics and the balance between being honest/consistent and being open

    • Politics is similar to relationships…need to be sensitive to the people you are talking to and avoid triggering them so that you can meet them where they are at to influence them.

      • There is a lot of art to communicating here

    • Ed is a Bernie fan

  • Talking stick in context of business organization

    • Research online

      • Do any Organizational Development (OD) people use it?

      • Appreciative Inquiry?

      • Facilitations Techniques?

    • Ed was very interested in this and wants to research and consult with someone he knows from school

      • Ed got his MBA as Case Western where they developed some techniques

  • Next session: Tuesday 6/21 at 2pm

Session #10: 6/21

• Pre-meeting notes

  • 6/14: Masturbation without porn

    • Did this a couple of times. It prevented me from watching porn and saved me a lot of time. Seems like watching porn causes me to want to drag out the pleasure.

    • 6/21: After watching porn a couple of times and comparing, it feels more satisfying with porn.

  • 6/15: Last night I started thinking about a conversation I had with Leanne and Tara about my theory that humans are on average bisexual, more similar to bonobos, and that culture and exposure have a huge impact on how we perceive our sexuality. I started thinking of my curiosity about men and reflected on my one in-person experience with a cross dresser. And it got me aroused but was tired and went to bed.

  • 6/15: In the morning I felt really drained emotionally, sad and depressed. I felt unwilling to explore it much and mainly just was productive and shared some about my feelings to Rose, my filipino friend, over text. I didn’t feel comfortable talking to Leanne or Tara about it.

    • Later in the day, I spoke to Tara and shared my feelings and she said it was probably due to delayed reaction to heavy therapy.

      • She had been struggling feeling disconnected from me and shared that she was upset when I expressed my concern about quality time with Leanne the other day.

        • I felt totally defeated and had no energy to make Tara feel better. I just felt like she was so self involved and it really bothered me but I didn’t think it was right to share with her since she was struggling so much emotionally.

          • I started worrying about whether it was a good idea for her to move here. I started questioning a lot including whether I even want children ever.

    • In the evening I talked to Leanne after struggling to open up to her when I felt she was anxious about me being upset at her. I finally managed to share about the memories of my young childhood and that sensitive part and we both started crying. After that, I was much more comfortable with her and we even ended up having sex that night.

      • Relationship Meetings (Alex & Leanne) @ 6/16: I think there has been some blocks making us uncomfortable expressing the vulnerabilities of sex to each other. Yesterday, after opening up about feelings and crying together, it really helped me feel more comfortable with Leanne and be able to express my arousal to her. When we are feeling that kind of resistance/hesitation, it may be due to emotional blocks.

  • 6/16

    • Despite last night, I woke up feeling guarded and in a bad mood again. Running in the morning helped though.

  • 6/18

    • 5:50pm - Had slightly less than half a thc infused chocolate. Was still feeling it as of 10:20pm

    • Evening - Leanne came home drunk from a lesbian bar and was anxious to tell me that she made out with a girl on the dance floor. She then dropped her bowl of Indian food straight down onto the carpet and cried. She felt guilty about both and I didn’t know how to respond except to say it was okay.

  • 6/19

    • Leanne shared something she was embarassed about, that she started wearing adult diappers after Rizvi bought them for her when she said she was curious about them. She likes them as they help her feel comfortable in her child self but nothing sexual about it.

  • 6/20

    • Woke up feeling depressed and apathetic. Primary feeling I had was some anxiety about Honda work.

      • Struggled with motivation the whole day but went through motivations.

      • Leanne was worried about me but after running at the gym, I felt more open to talking and discussed it with her.

      • I think it was largely about my pessimistic outlook about humanity and it’s ability to collaborate. Largely to due with my recent heightened interest in politics and reading both sides of everything. Madam Secretary has made this worse in a way while also making it better in other ways.

• 2:06PM-3:02PM

  • Struggles with taking on the guilt of others

    • Schedule time for myself

      • Do I get out much?

      • How much time am I spending for others?

  • Politics and reading/watching news

    • Things are meant to hook us and get us provoked

      • Fine line between keeping up with news and not getting provoked

        • Consider gate keeping what I see

          • Everything is designed to be compelling narratives

          • Am I doing anything with this information?

        • It’s a full time job to make an impact and most people don’t even

    • Ground has shifted on all sides

      • What do I believe?

      • Economic justice?

  • If depressed, use behaviors to feel better —> What makes me feel better

    • Running

    • Drumming (sometimes)

    • Piano (sometimes)

    • Guitar?

    • Learning something interesting

    • Comedy?

  • Porn

    • Arousal template - things that turn you on

      • Established when young

      • Porn expands it

    • Chaser effect - chasing the good experiences with porn

    • Have more sex with partners

      • And consider sexting instead of porn

    • Maybe less choices are better?

    • Is there a cycle that is healthier for orgasming?

      • Cycle every 4-7 days?

  • Next sessions: 6/28 at 2pm

July 2022

Session #11: 7/7

• Pre-meeting notes

  • Therapy with Edward Hill, LISW-S @ 6/15: Last night I started thinking about a conversation I had with Leanne and Tara about my theory that humans are on average bisexual, more similar to bonobos, and that culture and exposure have a huge impact on how we perceive our sexuality. I started thinking of my curiosity about men and reflected on my one in-person experience with a cross dresser. And it got me aroused but was tired and went to bed.

  • 6/21: Conversation with Tara post therapy:

    • How does my relationship with Ben affect my struggles?

    • Read up on philosophy, morals, ethics?

      • Figure out my beliefs

      • 6/22: Downloaded the book Tara has called The Philosophy Book on Audible. Planning to listen to it.

    • Turn off news notifications and uninstall Google feed?

      • Tara can tell me what's important in news

  • 6/21: Pushing myself to have sex with Leanne when I was tired:

    • I starting worrying and it was hard to be present. I was able to have sex for a while and Leanne enjoyed it but I didn’t finish and decided to just stop.

    • I couldn’t bring myself to tell Leanne I didn’t have a good time because she just admitted to me today that she is anxious that I’m not into her or we are becoming sexually incompatible.

  • 6/22: Exploring not orgasming while after watching porn and then Chaturbate and talking to people. I was trying to interact with humans through my sexual arousal and had mixed results.

  • 6/22: Argument with Tara after she accused me of lying to her about what I talked about in therapy. Talked through it all and shared me feelngs and struggles and she expressed hers and felt better. Ended up having very good sex after that.

    • Discussed through my concerns about sex with Leanne and how to get back to the basics with her.

  • 6/26: Got frustrated with Leanne shirking cleaning/organizing responsibilities/plans and it’s tough for me to express that because she gets upset about this kind of stuff and takes it personally.

  • 6/27: Tara went on a rant expressing her frustration with Leanne not keeping up with cleaning and not helping us much when we were sick with Covid. I let her get out all her frustrations and talked through it with her and she felt better. Leanne has a lot of challenges when it comes to motivation and procrastination.

  • 6/29: Was put in the middle when Tara asked if she can spend the night with me alone on our first night back from NY but Leanne didn’t like that. Communicated to both and facilatated a compromise which finally Tara agreed to. Was very stressful for me and not sure if I did something I shouldn’t have or not.

  • 6/29: Expressed to Leanne that I feel like I’m often in a parental role towards her being the main motive she has towards keeping up with her own goals, tasks and responsibilities. She agreed with this but got upset and switched into her “mother” mode. She didn’t even remember the conversation we had after she switched back. I wanted to talk about Leanne’s switching behaviors and check in about my strategies dealing with that.

  • 7/2 evening

    • Shutdown response and then laughing and coughing response when Tara outed me

      • I couldn't talk about it and then didn't want to talk to her about it

      • I got angry at her after too

      • Then when she came down later, I pretended to be asleep already

      • I just didn't want to talk to her or anyone about anything

    • Trying to consider and write about the trigger the next morning was also challenging

      • Not sure what it was exactly but I know I was really tired and then Leanne said she wanted to go to a bar and I said I was too tired

      • Then Tara kept suggesting I was having a response due to being in a tough place due to dismissing Leanne's desires

      • But I think it make have largely been a response to Tara pressing me about having a response

      • I really don't like the way she calls my parts out

        • She doesn't leave any room to mentally escape and it really irritates me

  • 7/3

    • Tara talked to me about it and Leanne joined

      • It's the hiding part

        • It's especially active here at home and is constantly reacting to being put on the spot

        • I don't know how to even communicate that it's around

    • During the first act of Aladdin, I found myself getting emotional and I wasn't sure why

      • I realized it was because I was enjoying the show and it was something that felt weird and also embarrassing

      • I didn't feel comfortable telling Leanne or Tara

    • Later I got tired after dinner with them and Ben in little Italy and didn't want to say I wanted to go home so just stopped talking

  • 7/4

    • During our alone time, talked to Leanne about my feelings

      • I shared my negative overall feelings and she suggested I seem to be having a depressive stage that can be part of the response of self discovery from therapy

      • We also talked about my social anxiety and she said she think I may be slightly on the autism spectrum

    • During the evening, Tara shared that she was upset at me for texting Leanne so much and worrying about her when she was at the airport with a delayed flight

      • I shared more about my feelings and struggles and expressed a lot about this part that doesn't enjoy anything and just wants to never be around people and hide and sleep

      • She suggested I need to explore that part and understand what other parts thinks and do so value reassessment to see how I want to be

  • 7/6

    • Argument with Tara in car primarily about her reaction to me messaging and being anxious about Leanne

      • I opened up with all my emotional struggles and we talked through my various parts and what they feel about this situation and me not caring about myself and being more focused on helping others

        • She thinks I can't truly love others if I don't learn how to love myself

  • My goals this week:

    • A lot happened but I want to focus in on my disconnect from myself that I’ve been noticing again and again. It’s blocking me from recognizing feelings, both negative and positive.

      • Anxiety is safe but happiness and sadness is not

        • I feel a lot less anxious over the past month and am starting to experience more sadness and some sense of depression.

        • I believe my struggles with trust are linked to parts which are blocking strong positive and negative emotions…they seem to be a risk

      • I admitted to both my partners that I felt like the poly position I’m in sucks

        • It was very challenging but was received relatively well.

        • I still struggle to communicate when I’m not having a good time with my partner/s or that I’m not excited about what they like.

      • It was hard to admit that I enjoyed the first act of Aladdin but I recognized that I enjoyed it and felt embarassed by my enjoying it.

      • I have been talking more about my parts with both Leanne and Tara with overall positive results

        • I noticed that I struggled a lot being around my family and felt like I was failure to them for feeling so distant from them.

          • This seems to be my young teenager part that is rebelious and stubborn and chose to silently protest whenever something happened in my family that I felt was wrong

          • I felt like it was my fault that I chose hide and disconnect from them when I was put in difficult situations rather than confront the challenges. I got in the habit of giving up and shutting down towards my family and this prevented my connection with them from growing beyond what it was an early teen

        • I have a part that is a “hidder” and feels like a young child. It comes out a lot but really doesn’t like to be outted which Tara tends to try to do a lot. I have various reactions when it’s outted ranging from uncontrollable laughter or just inability to speak, to intense anger and feeling betrayed/misunderstood.

          • This part gets in the way of communication quite a lot and I’d like to figure out how to work with it more effectively.

            • I believe it’s the same part that used to hold my breath and faint as well as pretend I was sleeping. It feels like a young toddler.

• Notes

  • 3:05pm-4:00pm

  • Plan a day for all of us myself

    • Get their feedback on if there is enough Alex-centric stuff

  • Is it ideal to triangulate between partners?

    • What alternatives are there?

  • A lot of my parts are reactions to external stress which block my ability to recognize myself

    • How to develop my Alex part?

      • Evenings alone or with my friends without partners

      • Lean into my parts…it will be a process but it important for me

  • Next session: Tuesday 7/12 at 3pm

Session #12: 7/12

• Pre-meeting notes:

  • See past notes:

    • Therapy with Edward Hill, LISW-S @ How does my relationship with Ben affect my struggles?

    • Therapy with Edward Hill, LISW-S @ I couldn’t bring myself to tell Leanne I didn’t have a good time because she just admitted to me today that she is anxious that I’m not into her or we are becoming sexually incompatible.

    • Therapy with Edward Hill, LISW-S @ 6/29: Expressed to Leanne that I feel like I’m often in a parental role towards her being the main motive she has towards keeping up with her own goals, tasks and responsibilities. She agreed with this but got upset and switched into her “mother” mode. She didn’t even remember the conversation we had after she switched back. I wanted to talk about Leanne’s switching behaviors and check in about my strategies dealing with that.

    • Therapy with Edward Hill, LISW-S @ She suggested I need to explore that part and understand what other parts thinks and do so value reassessment to see how I want to be

    • Therapy with Edward Hill, LISW-S @ She thinks I can't truly love others if I don't learn how to love myself

  • 7/10: Poly group meeting with Tara/Leanne went well for me and Leanne but Tara struggled the most this time. I shared all of my thoughts and so did Leanne and Tara just didn’t agree with things and struggled but it was good overall.

  • 7/10: Conversation with Ben about circumcisions and talking to my parents. He seemed to want validation but also was preachy at the same time.

  • 7/11: Started a weight loss goal and my one week media consumption cleanse. Felt bored and off but soon realized I didn’t really want to ever check media or overeat again…those things never made me feel good.

    • Considering the implications of Buddhism or the Middle Path…

  • 7/11: Difficult conversation with Tara: She started talking about sharing our finances and criticized Leanne for not being more financially independent. I felt like she was unappreciative of her good fortune being brought up in middle class and being supported with financial guidance growing up. I shared my perspectives and it led to her sharing that she felt like she was right in seeking more from our relationship. I questioned her that I felt she was always just wanting the next thing and will never be satisfied. She got upset and then questioned me and at that point it was too much and I said I just wanted to go to sleep. She said she wanted to help and pushed me more and I told her I didn’t feel comfortable leaning on her for support nor Leanne…that things will breakdown if I push them too much. She hasn’t stopped wanting me to talk since. I told her I’d talk to her about my feelings after therapy.

• 3:06pm-4:06pm

  • Lean into my feelings of struggling with Leanne/Tara and feelings overwhelmed

  • Am I missing out on wonder and awe?

  • Disowned language…avoid it (say “I feel” rather than “a part feels”)

    • I’m managing risk

  • Shame problems…deeper level

    • Brene Brown

      • The Gifts of Imperfection

        • 8/5: Purchased on Audible. Plan to listen after I finish Philosophy book

        • 8/17: Started (see The Gifts of Imperfection)

  • Sad about dropping my perfect DMS system

  • Can I find an older mentor?

    • Gordon?

    • Chris?

    • Someone else from networking?

    • My dad??

  • How do I let my partners help

    • “How have I not allowed you to help me?”

      • I feel like Tara’s testing me

  • What are our guidelines/rules about what we talk about to each other and together

  • Next session: 7/21 at 3pm

Session #13: 7/21

• Pre-meeting notes

  • 7/13

    • Had some difficult conversations yesterday regarding Relationship Meetings (Alex & Tara) @ 4825 Move Strategy @ Create Living Together agreement with Tara leading to us ending our Relationship meeting early.

      • She didn’t like that I wanted to include Leanne as part of our living together agreement.

      • But after some awkward time, she let it go and we relaxed and felt better

    • Today I felt better than I have over the past couple of weeks and admitted to myself and Tara that I felt good for the first time in a long time.

  • 7/14

    • Had a nice morning in which I was quite mindful, the most I’ve ever been before going to working in the office. I ran a long run, meditated, showered, ate…all before work and did so in a relaxed manner…it felt good, despite not getting into work until 8:45am

    • Before bed, messaged Tara and she got upset when I said I had a good evening because she said she felt like all of our evenings were bad and my time with Leanne is good. I just told her I don’t feel that way but she got irritated that I didn’t seem to want to talk about it. I thought it was dysfunctional behavior on her part and decided to just let it go and kindly tell her I felt like things were good between us and I wanted to sleep but we could talk more about it tomorrow.

      • It left me wondering if I was being a bad partner.

  • 7/15: Learning how to (truly) care about myself @ Alone Evening - July 15, 2022

    • Notes from conversations with Tara and Leanne about others @ 7/16/2022: Tara

  • 7/17

    • Scheduling our time together

    • Went to movies and Thor

    • Watched show about LSD

    • Ordered Chipotle

    • Was anxious at first because of Tara and Rizvi but felt better once talking to Rizvi which made Tara feel worse

  • 7/18-19

    • Difficult conversations with Tara about her feelings about polyamory and feeling that she wants a monogamous relationship. I shared my feelings openly including feelings anxious, scared, sad and confused.

      • After giving her time to process, she felt better, but it was really difficult for us both.

  • 7/20-21

    • Leanne have been supportive and thing have gone well with her but Tara continues to struggle a lot with the transition and worrying about my feelings. She has been making me anxious a lot.

• 3:05pm-4:04pm

  • Communicating with Tara more effectively

    • How can we match emotional level in healthy way?

      1. Express my feelings vulnerably

         • Equal time talking is helpful for me to maintain emotional connection

           • “Can we try this out…?”

      2. If can’t, focus on validating her feelings

      3. Be welcoming with my language and body

         • Eye contact

         • Soft touch

    • What is the root of her struggles?

      • Abandonment fears?

    • Focus on shared values that encourage our poly relationship

    • What parts work has helped her with relationships

  • Alone time is sacred time

    • Don’t need to share what I’ve done to my partners if I don’t want

  • Consider doing stuff on my own while with Leanne, Tara or both

  • Confluence: Defense mechanism: when two people parallel each other and never risk disagreement;

    • Continuum of choices

    • Ed to send me something to review about this

      • 7/28: https://mail.google.com/mail/u/0/#inbox/WhctKKXXQFzBcsCDNxrxcLCBQwcqvsRqVkBxSjBbbrkTDSpXWRmdrcRhQkkqFPCWRjgJbgL (Confluence in Gestalt)

        • Skills in Gestalt: Making Contact: Confluence

  • Next meeting: 7/27 at 2pm

Session #14: 7/27

• Pre-meeting notes

  • 7/21: Had a nice evening with Leanne at the county fair and DORA…was really able to be more present and realized I like goats. Also talked to Leanne about her struggles with Tara and had a relaxed, mindful discussion that went well. Tara, on the other hand, seemed off and ended up hanging out with a friend rather than with us as was planned.

  • 7/22: Told Tara about my time with Leanne and she had a strong negative reaction like I betrayed her by doing something that was supposed to be for all of us.

    • I got really irritated but let her vent her feelings until she finally asked me what I felt.

    • I told her that I didn’t feel ready to share unless she understood that what I was thinking and believing in that moment was based on my strong negative feelings.

    • She said okay, and I told her I was really frustrated at her and felt like she was being self-centered and looking for any evidence she can find that she’s not important.

    • She reacted surprisingly positive to that and her demeanor shifted and slipped into a child part that was tolerant of talking to me but also didn’t want to be touched by me.

    • I expressed desire to be near her and want to touch her but just sat next to her and she started explaining her concerns about feeling like we didn’t understand each other were not good for each other.

    • I asked her to explain why she felt that and she got out her Polysecure book and I agreed to let her read some passages to assess our relationship in a more neutral way. We went through the concepts and found that we largely have a secure relationship but both have opportunities to work on with each other and ourselves. She acknowledged that she makes it difficult for me to feel supported in sharing my experiences with her and she felt bad about that.

    • I suggested we focus on one thing at a time from the book and discuss them in upcoming weeks to help deepen our security.

    • She liked that and her feelings shifted so much so that she suggested we all hang out with Leanne and go to DORA together. She admitted that she had a great time the previous week with Leanne and I over at DORA and it was a “perfect” evening. She hadn’t told me that before and I was kind of touched. So we decided to go back to my place and meet up with Leanne. We had a really nice night together and both Tara and Leanne got quite drunk and danced past when I wanted to sleep.

    • Tara was in a very playful, sexual mood and kept teasing me but also didn’t want to go too far because she felt bad that she was not okay with Leanne acting the same way with me if the situation was in reverse. I really wanted to do more but we went to sleep.

      • I almost brought up the idea of inviting Leanne to be involved and experiment but didn’t want to go there. It’s a sensitive topic for Tara and I didn’t want to trigger her.

  • 7/23: Evening with Tara and M

    • 2g each with T (half piece) at 8:05pm

    • Enjoyed myself primarily giving pleasure to Tara

    • But then felt a little off when she didn’t seem as interested to do the same in return

  • 7/24: Day of helping Tara move her stuff to storage.

    • I pushed myself really hard. It was a stressful day for Tara and she rubbed me the wrong way a few times but we got through it. It feels nice to be one major step closer to integrating our lives more.

  • 7/26: Had another rough time with Tara in the evening after helping her move most of the rest of her stuff to her mom’s house. She got really upset at me and said it was because it was because I felt like it was a sacrifice to not sext other people when she told me her therapist thought it would be good to stop. But that’s not what her therapist said…she said she thought it would be good to not make any big decisions for the rest of the year and to define what a big decision is.

    • I meditated on it and decided to stop the virtual sex through remainder of year and messaged all relevant people to let them know.

    • Later she almost stormed out and went to her mom’s but I stopped her and got on her emotional level and allowed myself to not be so calm. It helped her to open up. After a difficult evening, she finally texted me a long message. She acknowledged what both Leanne and I have believed but have not said: that over the last few weeks, she’s regressed back to emotional and behavioral states from over two years ago. She apologized for how this has affected me. It made me feel better.

  • 7/27: Tara was very apologetic and felt guilty and wanted to help me feel better

• 2:05pm-3:03pm

  • Polysecure is recommended

    • But Ed doesn’t think I need to though could help

    • Better for Tara to lead

  • Lot of reactions from Tara

    • Focus on needs

      • Dealing with external pressures

      • She needs to discover what she needs to be secure on her own

  • To support Tara:

    • Try being at her emotional level but don’t fake it

    • Schedule times to discuss these heavy topics

      • More frequent less formal check-in —> Could be my own boundary

        • Can spend tons of time on this…maybe too much

          • She doesn’t need to tell me everything or me to be the first one to tell

    • Maybe Parts Work can be easier to work through than emotionality

    • Remember that I need to be okay with being polarizing

      • Is she able to handle this?

  • Therapy with Edward Hill, LISW-S @ Confluence: Defense mechanism: when two people parallel each other and never risk disagreement;

    • Pattern Ed’s seen with me that would be interesting to assess

      • Will send to me by this weekend

        • Skills in Gestalt: Making Contact: Confluence

  • Do we want to schedule consistent times?

    • Ed taking on a few new clients and also planning some vacation…a specific day/time would help

    • Planned for next 2 weeks on Wednesday at 2pm (8/3 and 8/10)

      • 8/1: If this time works for my energy levels, then we can use this as the standard time.

  • Also shared that we can schedule directly in calendar rather than by text message

    • He said he’d prefer that too

  • Reached my deductible so well being 90% less now

August 2022

Session #15: 8/3

• Pre-meeting notes:

  • 7/28: Understanding the 7/26 Events

    • She shared this after having nightmares and waking up early with insights about herself.

    • I told her reading this overwhelmed me and that made her feel let down

    • Later she shared that wants us to share a home…I said I felt home when I was with her.

  • 7/28: Tension with Leanne

    • Leanne has been especially irritable the last couple of days and told me a list of things bothering her including that she feels like she takes care of people more than they take care of her. This bothered me because I think/feel the opposite.

    • I cooked dinner for her which she seemed to appreciate but all she wanted to do was watch TV, which is what she always wants to do after work.

    • We went to bed early and she kept watching videos of things being cleaned and told me how it’s so satisfying to her. This bothered me because it’s hard to get her to clean/organize in real life and I thought she’d want to more if she enjoyed watching other people do it on IG. I told her and she got upset at me and we just went to sleep.

    • In the morning, I found out Loki wasn’t eating the food he needed to eat to get his anti-anxiety medication for his appointment. I learned we were totally out of the food he always eats and got upset at Leanne for procrastinating yet again with Loki’s health related tasks. She blamed it on the store not being in stock. I was really frustrated because I give her the opportunity to take responsibility of stuff over and over and she always finds ways to let me down AND does not take responsibility.

    • I decided to try to let it go and hugged her before she left for work and apologized. She just told me jokingly that I’ve been a dick lately but sorry for being moody. That bugged me.

  • 7/29: Finishing moving and cleaning up stuff with Tara

    • I was spontaneous and had some really connected experiences with Tara that I enjoyed. She has been feeling better and more secure now that her stuff is set up at her Mom’s and everything is moved out. She even shared that she isn’t concerned about when she moves in…she knows it will happen eventually and doesn’t want to create more stress. I appreciated that.

    • Tara is also not bothered by my wedding anniversary with Leanne which is a first

    • However, she got drunk last night and wanted to stay up late and I felt put on the spot when I was tired and wanted to sleep. But I realized I had mixed feelings which is part of what kept me up late.

  • 7/30: Had dreams of wanting to beat up my dad because I was so angry at him. Wondered if this wasn’t about my dad but more my dad part, since I haven’t even spoke to my dad much lately and there has been no issues between him and I.

  • 7/30: Expressed my anxieties about letting down Leanne to Tara and she encouraged me to talk to Leanne which I did. Leanne was not upset at me at all and we actually had a really nice anniversary.

    • Anniversary

    • But I did get anxious about not having sex. I didn’t bring that up because we both seemed to tired. I’m just struggling with anticipating some expectation and then I actually want to have sex but then when the time comes, I don’t.

  • 7/31: Discussed: Skills in Gestalt: Making Contact: Confluence at length with Leanne and Tara and they agreed with the assessment of me losing myself in the feelings of others. Leanne asked if I ever had a relationship with someone that I felt didn’t need me emotionally…

    • Only with some people I dated and I typically didn’t feel bonded to those people

  • 8/1: Finished Wherever You Go, There You Are

    • Started picking segments to review before sessions

  • 8/1: Argument with Tara after sharing my insights from the Philosophy book I’m reading.

    • I really just wanted to share my excitement and sense of awe at the history of philosophers but I felt like she was not interested. When I shared a general statement about some present day issues having existed since the time of now outdated philosophy, she pressed me for examples and when I said I wanted to consult with the book, she lectured me on how to talk to people. I explained myself and approach and she got upset, leading to tension and a fight.

    • That night I told her that I felt like talking to her was like dodging land mines and she got really upset at me but we both went to sleep.

      • She held a grudge for the next 24 hours until finally I apologized and reframed in an “I feel” statement.

      • I subsequently felt annoyed that she was so stubborn about it but I let it go because I didn’t have the energy to keep up the arguing.

      • Overall, I feel quite drained and am lacking motivation to maintain connection with either Leanne or Tara.

  • 8/2: First time sleeping at Tara’s mom’s house.

    • Spent the evening with Tara’s grandparents that are 90 and really active then went back to her moms house

    • I don’t know if it was the house, situation, my reading on philosophy or a combination, but I felt unsettled and somewhat lost staying with her at her moms. I was uncomfortable in a weird way and didn’t want to say anything so kept it to myself.

      • I’m still experiencing this sense of questioning my place in the world and what I care about in life. And I feel uneasy.

  • Therapy with Edward Hill, LISW-S @ 8/1: If this time works for my energy levels, then we can use this as the standard time.

  • Tara and I have scheduled short check-in points to share how we feel about things with the goal of avoiding high pressure, spontaneous discussions, but they keep coming up.

• 2:04pm-3:04pm

  • Request this: Skills in Gestalt: Making Contact: Confluence @ Look for and emphasize similarities and differences

  • Sex with Leanne

    • Flat lining is common with marriage

    • Take care of Tara before and give time/space

    • Ask Leanne to share more about her sex interests

  • Talking to Tara

    • Ask for permission

    • Soften

    • Share it’s just an idea or perspective

    • Not about relationship…

  • Daily Stoic — Ryan Holiday (same concept as Wherever you go)

    • Amazon ($18 for paperback) - purchased 8/4

      • 8/8: Started book including day 1 (Jan 1st)

  • Therapy with Edward Hill, LISW-S @ 7/30: Had dreams of wanting to beat up my dad because I was so angry at him. Wondered if this wasn’t about my dad but more my dad part, since I haven’t even spoke to my dad much lately and there has been no issues between him and I.

    • Retroflection - Am I upset at my dad part for preventing myself from opening up outwardly

    • Ed sent Quora image

    • Frustration/anger overwrite vulnerable emotions

    • Explore dad part with Tara

      • 8/11: Got her thoughts and insights, see: Reference discussion from yesterday. Have I suppressed this part growing up due to recognizing cognitive dissonance (similarity to my dad)? It may be still watching out for me by not wanting me to question my parts. Is it in conflict with another part of me that seeks peace and harmony?

  • Therapy with Edward Hill, LISW-S @ Planned for next 2 weeks on Wednesday at 2pm (8/3 and 8/10)

    • Ed put me on the calendar to be recurring for Wednesday’s at 2pm

      • Need to reschedule for August 31st though

Session #16: 8/10

• Pre-meeting notes:

  • 8/5-8/7: Trip to Kelley’s Island with Tara

    • It was a great trip overall and a lot of time disconnected from devices and connecting with each other and nature. I enjoyed myself and we didn’t get into fights for the most part until the drive home when she was upset about me pushing her to listen to an audio book I was listening to

    • In the evening, I struggled with the decision to sleep with Tara again despite being home with Leanne. We had talked about it and had mixed feelings but preferred to sleep separately to have more space and get better sleep. I felt anxious about the decision and discussed with Tara and she stressed me out more.

  • 8/8: Tara got upset with me about being too critical of her. She wanted to talk more about things I was doing to upset her but it turned into her questioning herself and an argument. Things were better and I was able to express myself.

  • 8/8: Started Daily Stoic

  • 8/9: Got into argument with Leanne when explaining to her about my argument with Tara. She takes all my comments critically and personally the same way Tara does but typically isn’t as stubborn about it. When I shared some interesting thought I had about philosophy, she got bothered by me quoting someone being critical of television watching.

    • She left upset and wanted to call me to feel better but instead asked me what I wanted her to do differently. I told her I didn’t want her to do anything differently and I’ll figure out how to deal with the situation. She kept urging me and getting desperate so I finally told her I felt like I’m the one burdened to address all our challenges using the same calm, rational assessment I always use. But I’m just hurting her by not letting her learn how to handle her own emotions.

    • She cried hard but I didn’t give in and she eventually hung up and texted me saying she was sorry and yet again, asking what she can do to be better.

      • I told her to just relax enough to be able to think clearly.

    • After my frustration died down, I had this panicked, anxious feeling like I need to do something to make Leanne feel better.

      • But I decided against it. I had already told her I felt things were okay and that I loved her…I don’t need to do any more if I don’t want to.

    • She texted me back about 10 minutes later acknowledging her struggles but also suggesting that I do the same thing: Take things too personally

  • 8/9: Really getting into The Philosophy Book and started taking some notes to help me question through my thinking and perspectives: Alex's Philosophy Notes

  • 8/9: Discussion about systemic issues at Honda

    • Felt like I was starting to complain to my senior manager and didn’t notice the shift until he pointed it out.

      • We talked about it candidly and I felt weird after, even though he was supportive.

      • I feel myself having more confidence to challenge my superiors at Honda on their perspectives but it doesn’t feel good…I feel this sense of post panic after

        • Similar to when I say something I know will be deeply upsetting to my partners

  • What I want to talk about?

    • Am I too critical? Would it would be better for me to not share my critical thoughts? Or share them a different way?

  • Therapy with Edward Hill, LISW-S @ Need to reschedule for August 31st though

    • August 30th at 2pm

  • August 24th, Ed is off

• 2:07pm-3:04pm

  • About being critical:

    • Ideas:

      • Ask for permission

      • Preface it

        • This is just a thought, I could be wrong…

      • Soften it

      • Avoid harsh starters

        • Language

    • Helps with people that are dominant or sensitive

    • Experiment: Try not recommending anything to Tara unless she asks

      • Short term only

      • Just share feelings but ask permission to share thoughts

  • Try to take more than one day during the stay-cation

    • Ed recommends taking at least 2 day to myself, even better is half the days

      • Consider taking a day off day from work too

    • Need to reclaim my space from Tara…we’ve grown to expect to spend too much quality time together

  • Challenges with Tara’s perspective

    • Do I feel this relationship can work long term if Tara remains monogamous?

      • I said yes, but lots of fears getting in the way on Tara’s end

      • Maybe reclaiming more of my space will force Tara to reconsider her perspectives?

Session #17: 8/17

• Pre-meeting notes:

  • 8/10: Was anxious about talking to Leanne and Tara about my therapy experiences but did so and it overall went well. When I shared my desire to have some more personal time to Tara, she got very upset and shut down.

    • She scheduled 2 days additional instead of 1 like I requested which frustrated me but I knew what it meant…she was feeling insecure about me not wanting to spend time with her and wanted me to fight back for more time with her.

      • We talked through it and I shared how I felt, that it was difficult for me and that I’d miss her but it was also good for me. And that we’d find consistent time to spend together in the future in our new house.

        • She had this idea in her head that this was going to be the longest consistent time that we spent together and she didn’t have to feel guilty about it because it was Leanne’s decision to leave.

          • I thought this was notable and concerning but we didn’t dive into it much.

  • 8/11: Reference discussion from yesterday. Have I suppressed this part growing up due to recognizing cognitive dissonance (similarity to my dad)? It may be still watching out for me by not wanting me to question my parts. Is it in conflict with another part of me that seeks peace and harmony?

  • 8/12: Lent Rose $1500 with clear repayment terms over 5 years

    • Embarrassed to bring this up in therapy but Leanne and Tara were supportive of my decision which was made with careful deliberation and a lot of information from Rose and clear terms/agreements.

  • 8/13: Third century party

    • Spent much of the day helping Tara with Leanne to prepare for the party which was over planned by Tara. It came out nice but she got stressed out and I ended up doing a lot of work and fixing things up for what was supposed to be a party for me but I didn’t really consider it that way.

      • I had a decent time but realized that I don’t have any friends in Ohio because everyone invited was either Leanne’s friends or Tara’s friends

      • I wasn’t socially anxious really and talked to everyone. There were just 4 other people there besides Leanne and Tara.

      • Late night, Tara was quite drunk and didn’t want to sleep even though I was tired. That made me anxious because I feel pressure to stay up with her, especially when she’s drunk because she always over drinks and then feels ill the next day and asks me why I didn’t stop her.

  • 8/14: Heard Leanne and Rizvi having sex while I was working in the morning for the first time. Didn’t bother me but also wasn’t inclined to think much about it. I know I’m curious to know if there, but once I realized they were, I tried to ignore it.

    • 8/15: Learned from Leanne that she didn’t do anything sexual with him at that time and tries not to when I’m around or Tara, because she wouldn’t want me or Tara to do it with her around (but I didn’t know that).

  • 8/15: Have to work in office again, but for no reason

    • This annoyed me a bit but I let it go. I have no problem going for a purpose but now it’s just to meet a quota.

  • 8/15: Talked to Leanne about sex despite her not being able to have penetrative sex until after she gets back from vacation. She expressed that she is self conscious about gaining weight. Talking about it helped and I offered to give her a massage. After watching an interesting documentary, I gave her a massage and she initiated pleasuring me sexually with no input from me, which was nice.

    • I think the key is talking about it more.

  • 8/16: Difficult conversations with Leanne about her trauma responses and her challenges with her sister

    • Found out later she was PMS'ing and crying a ton about everything

    • Ended up supporting her and picking up her sister and cooking dinner for them and agreeing to drive them early the next day

  • 8/17:

    • Drove Leanne and her sister to airport at 2:30am

      • Felt really good and awake despite having only slept 4 hours

        • Ended up having minor debate with her sister about her perspectives on the brain and trauma

          • Made me realize that I believe I can push through anything with strategic consistent effort (emphasized by The Daily Stoic) and think I want to try some more specific assignments (maybe?)

    • Finished Philosophy book

    • Started Brene Brown’s book The Gifts of Imperfection

      • Planning to do the Inventory suggested before continuing

    • Got largest bonus I’ve gotten ever and my manager made it a point to show extra appreciation by giving me discretionary money

      • Decided to share with him about my poly relationship

        • He was super interested as he’s considered it himself but was concerned it would be too much work

          • Made me want to get to know him better since we share open mindedness about relationships at least

    • Found out this new job opportunity wasn’t real and felt let down but okay about it

    • Created a system to better monitor Loki’s health and impact of things we try out since I’ll be taking care of him myself for a week

    • Today I have the entire evening and night to myself, as well as morning. Then again on Sunday evening/night and Monday morning

• What do I want to focus on this week?

  • Therapy with Edward Hill, LISW-S @ Made me realize that I believe I can push through anything with strategic consistent effort (emphasized by The Daily Stoic) and think I want to try some more specific assignments (maybe?)

    • I know about this: Therapy with Edward Hill, LISW-S @ Experiment —> Avoid systemizing anything…this is why he doesn’t want to recommend anything specifically, but I’d still like some more specific behaviors to work through that are fully in my control. I think I’ve been limited by my partners struggles quite a lot.

      • One idea: Exposure therapy - I don’t like horror movies/shows because I get really anxious being afraid and I start sweating, not unlike public speaking or talking to people in general.

• 2:06pm-3:07pm

  • I go into “meaning making” quickly

  • Body awareness

    • Feet on ground

  • Physiological sigh

    • 2/3 breath in, 1/3 breath in

      • Moving stomach out

      • Pauses important

    • Slow out

    • Andrew Huberman

      • Ed will send video to help me practice

        • See message: https://youtu.be/rBdhqBGqiMc

    • Use in stressful situation when I’m noticing physical sensations

  • Give myself tolerance to feel instead of immediately focusing on what to do

    • Avoid sense of meaning

  • Cold compress

    • Behind lower back

  • Can practice them with partners

  • In social situations, just use slow in through nose and slow out through mouth

  • Explore communicating in different situations such as outside

    • Try checks-in on phone while walking outside

  • It’s okay for me to overreact to get a better sense of my feelings

    • Can role play with Tara and try to emulate each other

  • Important insight: I see someone emotional and the emotions make me not trust what they are saying

    • Do I trust Tara’s or Leanne’s emotions?

      • What does it mean to trust their emotions?

Session #18: 8/30

• Pre-meeting notes:

  • 8/17: Post therapy discussion with Tara

    • She’s emotion-centric and feels everything about life is about emotion

      • She agrees about this: Therapy with Edward Hill, LISW-S @ Important insight: I see someone emotions and the emotions make me not trust what they are saying being difficult for her

        • She feels dismissed, but not just me, a lot of men are like this

          • Just a social expectation? Not really to do with being male.

  • Learning how to (truly) care about myself @ Alone Evening/Night - Aug 17

    • Was a good experience and I can feel myself having more space to realize what I like

  • 8/18: Started The Gifts of Imperfection and took the assessment

  • 8/19: Had an emotion-driven and difficult evening with Tara

    • Was our first full day together with Leanne in Idaho

    • At dinner, I practiced role playing her emotions and told her she was full of herself and full of shit. She didn’t mind that much. She had been bad mouthing Leanne so much and accused me of not holding her accountable to her behaviors…I just saw it as being spiteful and jealous. She said I was just trying to escape working on my own issues.

      • We had a discussion about how I over-leverage my strengths of discipline and rational thinking and how I can benefit as a leader by continuing to be more vulnerable and accepting, which I have been doing a lot.

    • We got over that but there was still tension in the late evening when we were trying to decide what to do and I suggested we watch a documentary I thought she’d like. She didn’t seem up for it so I pressed her about what she wanted to do but she insisted we do what I wanted. But it became a fight where she thought I just wanted it because I wanted to educate her. She ultimately agreed to watch the show but about two thirds in, I stopped it and asked her whether she wanted to continue and she said no, and that she hated it and found it boring and non-consequential to her life.

      • I realized she was just being spiteful now because there was only 20 minutes left and it was starting to be very relevant to her personal experiences. I pleaded with her to just finish before passing judgment but she was now angry. And so I let it go. I also just calmed myself down and asked her what she wanted to do and she said she just wanted to shower and get ready for bed. This frustrated me because I knew she wanted to be social like she said before, and again was just spiting herself.

        • She asked me to express my emotions openly. I tried to role play again but had no words to share except I was frustrated. She pushed me to express myself more and so I started playfully kicking her. She started fighting back a bit which escalated things but then I found myself starting to get too aggressive so stopped and felt really off.

          • After that, I shut down and couldn’t talk and she decided to “give me space” and go upstairs and take a shower.

          • I just did stuff around the house until she came down stairs again like a half hour later. I was still feeling off and guarded and I didn’t even feel comfortable laughing when she turned on a comedy show. Finally I did and decided to cuddle her and initiate sex.

            • She revealed that my aggressiveness before turned her on so much that she had masturbated while upstairs before showering. We did stuff and went to bed but I still felt off and guarded. And she knew it too.

              • I think I hit a wall where I wanted to be more physically aggressive but felt the need to shut it out and it was like a fail safe. I wanted to truly hurt her, but exerted self control.

                • Related to: Therapy with Edward Hill, LISW-S @ Retroflection - Am I upset at my dad part for preventing myself from opening up outwardly?

  • 8/20: The Gifts of Imperfection

    • Continued The Gifts of Imperfection and learned an important and relevant thing:

      • The Gifts of Imperfection @ Compassion for others is facilitated by setting strong boundaries for yourself and holding other accountable

        • I don’t do this well and I think it’s contributing to my inability to fully trust and connect to my partners as well as my brother.

          • How can I be better at setting boundaries and saying “no”?

          • What are appropriate ways to hold others accountable?

  • 8/20: Argument with Tara

    • Told Tara about Therapy with Edward Hill, LISW-S @ I think I hit a wall where I wanted to be more physically aggressive but felt the need to shut it out and it was like a fail safe. I wanted to truly hurt her, but exerted self control. and she said she liked the idea of it within reason. This didn’t make me feel better.

    • I matched Tara's emotional intensity and acted like Tara but she continued to acted as she does and it was major clash that resulted in a 40 minutes argument that essential went no where

      • And she was very upset at me and I was upset at her

    • I decided to nap because I was exhausted and felt I could sleep. This seemed to irritate her and she decided to leave and go for a drive and went to Barnes and Noble and Taco Bell and felt better when she got back

    • We argued a bit more in the evening but ended up having a nice time together

  • 8/21: Dream last night

    • Dreamed that I was traveling in NY with Tara and trying to take the subway home but got stopped by someone who said my backpack wasn’t allowed because it wasn’t really a back pack and sent me to an agent at a desk. They told me I couldn’t go home because I was poly and threatened me at gun point and I woke up.

  • 8/21: Learning how to (truly) care about myself @ Alone Evening/Night - Aug 21

    • Learning how to (truly) care about myself @ Eventually she acknowledged she struggles with me having personal time and it was telling…part of the problem I’m having is that doesn’t like me not being with her, even if I’m alone.

  • 8/22: Discussion with Tara

    • Talked through her struggles and shared my frustrations. It was a rough conversation with some blaming but resulted in us hugging and Tara crying a lot but we both felt better after.

      • She acknowledges that she struggles with overreacting to little things which make it harder for me to be relaxed around her or about her.

        • But we agreed that when I have personal time, I’d at least check in with her for a bit and see how our days went before going to bed. And that if I have something I’m anxious to tell her about, to tell her so and reassure her that it’s okay and I’ll tell her about it later and that I’m looking forward to seeing her.

  • 8/22: M 1 gram at 6:35pm

    • Started feeling it a lot at 7:45pm and couldn’t follow Modern Family

    • Felt ill and super tired at later points

  • 8/23: Another fight with Tara

    • It was rooted in me sharing that I was bothered by her downplaying Leanne’s anxiety about planning. Turned into a whole big thing and we both expressed a lot of feelings and thoughts up and down right before she left. We left on good terms but it was rough overall.

  • 8/23: Picked up Leanne from the airport (and her sister)

    • Things are always so much more relaxing with Leanne. Also she was excited to find that I watched a show she started watching today on the plane…it was a big contrast to Tara’s reaction of being upset.

  • 8/24: Tara struggling and we decided to take a couple days off from talking about heavy emotional topics per her suggestion.

    • Felt better and later in the day I shared some struggles with Loki and she was supportive and then seemed to feel better about us.

  • 8/24: Started reading physical books more in spare time and before bed as more of a hobby. I realized I enjoy this, especially while drinking tea.

  • 8/26: While driving to work in the morning, realized I enjoy seeing the sun illuminate clouds in the morning

    • It made me happy yet also feel a sense of shame for admitting to myself that I enjoy something.

      • Realized the connections to The Gifts of Imperfection

  • 8/26: Had a nice evening with Leanne and Tara and they got along really well and felt good

    • Tara admitted to me that she realized she does a lot of attention seeking and thought it was a problem

  • 8/27: Had M with Tara at 3:45 (1.4 grams) and was a nice amount

  • 8/28: Poly group meeting

    • I expressed some frustration I had about Tara’s past actions in front of Leanne and Tara got really upset at me. We talked through it after and she felt better but was sensitive.

  • 8/29: Tara was feeling better but during our check-in she expressed not being happy

    • She said she wasn’t happy with how much we’ve been fighting and normally she is so thrilled with how she feels being with me but it’s been feeling less and less

    • She also expressed concerns about her future and thinking about having a family. She doesn’t know if she wants to but wants to know what I see and want for our future. She questions how we can do it too

      • I said I can consult lawyers on legal aspects

• What do I want to focus on this week?

  • The Gifts of Imperfection - I want to work through my shame issues which I think are tied to my “dad part” that seem to make me feel bad about admitting my feelings or things I like or dislike.

    • Discussed my thoughts on this…

      • I’m realizing that I may have learned (on an unconscious level) to suppress my feelings and devalue my feelings and to not show my feelings, except non-vulnerable ones.

        • This is related to Therapy with Edward Hill, LISW-S @ Therapy with Edward Hill, LISW-S @ I don’t do this well and I think it’s contributing to my inability to fully trust and connect to my partners as well as my brother

  • Therapy with Edward Hill, LISW-S @ I don’t do this well and I think it’s contributing to my inability to fully trust and connect to my partners as well as my brother.

    • I have high standards for myself that are unreasonable AND project those standards unconsciously to others that I become close to

      • This relates to my tendency towards Skills in Gestalt: Making Contact: Confluence where I confuse the boundaries between myself and others

      • I’m also scared to not be so disciplined because it may mean my life amounts to nothing

        • This discipline is projected onto others and causes me to feel like “if I don’t do it, it doesn’t get done” (another construct from my dad)

      • Therapy with Edward Hill, LISW-S @ We had a discussion about how I over-leverage my strengths of discipline and rational thinking and how I can benefit as a leader by continuing to be more vulnerable and accepting, which I have been doing a lot.

• Update Therapy dates:

  • September 14th change to Tuesday?

    • OK

  • Future days change to Tuesday at 2?

    • OK

• 2:05pm-3:02pm

  • Next time: Discuss Leanne and her trauma responses and how to deal with that effectively and help her

September 2022

Session #19: 9/6

• Pre-meeting notes:

  • 9/2: Haven’t been taking as many notes but some notable things for past several days:

    • Learning how to (truly) care about myself @ Pumped up the tires on my mountain bike and took it out while listening to music

    • Tara’s been struggling in therapy and realizing a lot of things about herself that she feels bad about. She is reading The Gifts of Imperfection - Alex's Notes now which I think will help

    • Considering a major change at Honda after talking to a manager in a different group looking to hire someone like me to do international collaborative activities within a particular software being released.

      • This is giving me some anxiety considering it.

    • Leanne didn’t get a position she was interviewing for in her company and was devastated. I told Tara about it and she brought over all this stuff to have a nice “adult kids night” and Leanne and I carried her bed down to the living room and we had a great time eating kids food (lunchables and kid snacks), playing with kid stuff (play dough, race cars and a track) and having adult drinks out of kids cups, while watching Disney movies.

      • Leanne was really happy and I really appreciated what Tara did

  • 9/2: Emotions regarding Loki

    • Took Loki to the Oncologist with Tara today and found out he’s no longer responding to his current oral chemo and had to decide next steps. I did that on my own and after, I spoke to Tara about it

      • I cried telling her about how I felt

        • But I felt alone when she didn’t seem to share my feelings

          • It upset her when I expressed that to her

  • 9/3: Trip to Tara’s dad’s with Tara, Leanne and Rizvi

    • Story about my dad and felt self-conscious

  • 9/4: Got pulled over my police accidentally going 65 in 50 after a transition at a hill. They were very nice and just got a warning but was still anxiety inducing to some extent.

    • He asked how to pronounce my last name

  • 9/4: With support from Tara, decided not to join Leanne, Tara and Rizvi at the zoo.

    • Felt really off about it but really didn’t want to go either.

    • They seemed supportive of my decision since I was tired, had stuff to do and really didn’t want to go to the zoo. And they seemed to have a good time without me.

      • But Tara made an informal deal with me that if I don’t go, then I better get all my work done and focus on quality time with them when they get back.

    • I ended up napping a large chunk of the time but I did get my work done. But I was on the phone with Tim Fedullo when they got back and I think this rubbed Tara the wrong way.

    • Then Leanne decided to go back to Rizvi for the evening and night and I was concerned about Loki not eating so wanted to go to the grocery store to get chicken for him and do other groceries. It turned into a full order when I asked Leanne what we needed and what Tara wanted.

      • I was stressed out trying to be quick and it took me about an hour before I got back. Tara seemed okay though but was high…

  • 9/5: Had a difficult morning with anxiety about Loki, a new job opportunity and my life in general

    • Frustrated Tara by not telling her how I felt and finally told her I felt alone in my goals and aspirations and unsupported.

    • Then had a meeting with my brother and struggled with feeling like he wasn’t taking on enough ownership of his work.

    • Afterward, talked to Tara and she helped me with some parts work now that she finished No Bad Parts:

      • We explored a part that seems to be protecting me from taking on new responsibilities or changes in my life. It wants me to forgo interviewing for this position because it fears that the new job will be less flexible and I can’t manage a full time job with my life as is.

        • It doesn’t trust me and my ability to deal with new challenges

      • Then a part came forward that has the opposite struggle. It is worried about letting people down. It feels like if I take the interview, I will be obligated to take the job. And it doesn’t want to let down my current division either. It is stressed with supporting my partners, Loki, work etc.

        • It doesn’t understand that I’m a person too.

      • Though it was really foggy, just expressing those feelings to her and within myself helped me to feel better overall.

        • I was open enough to acknowledge that I really didn’t feel like doing any of my tasks.

          • I requested Tara to come down with me even though she wanted to just stay in bed. I told her I was feeling separation anxiety from her, which I did.

            • She said it was unhealthy kind, that I was more concerned about her being upset that me missing her…I said it was still anxiety. Though I also was missing her.

          • We decided to have breakfast and I cooked and realized I enjoy cooking, whether for myself or others

    • 9/5: In the evening, I decided to sleep in the big bed, rather than with Leanne. She seemed okay but just concerned with me.

      • When I went downstairs with Tara, she seemed off and shared that she and Leanne were concerned about me. I’m not even sure how it progressed but it became a fight and the result was that I was overwhelmed and even nauseated.

        • I was so frustrated and angry at Tara that I wanted nothing to do with her. I starting thinking of breaking up with her. I realized that she was so callous and hurtful that I felt like I lost respect for her as a person. Normally I’d be the one to calm down and approach her tenderly but I had no such desire this time. I was just so angry at her.

        • I also noticed my heart rate dropped to as low as 42 bpm which is the lowest I see when I’m fast asleep. It freaked me out a bit.

        • I decided to have some tea and shortly after Tara went to sleep which only irritated me more since she is always complaining about me sleeping earlier than her.

          • I went to be shortly after and skipped flossing (which I never do) and slept, pretending she wasn’t there.

    • 9/6: In the morning, I missed Leanne and still hated Tara and wished she’d just be gone.

      • I went for a run and felt a bit better but still have no interest in talking to Tara.

      • I got to work and around 10am, Tara came in and said she decided she was going to leave to work at her mom’s today. I said okay and she almost left but then came back and said she felt like I don’t want her here and that I wanted her to leave. I told her that wasn’t sure and that I just wish she’d apologize. She said she can talk and we decided to sit in my bedroom and talk out or feelings. By the end we both felt better and she stayed the afternoon.

    • 9/6: Telling Josh about my job opportunity

      • Josh is my senior manager and it felt good to be able to discuss through this with him and see that he was supportive.

• What do I want to focus on this week?

  • Continue Therapy with Edward Hill, LISW-S @ Next time: Discuss Leanne and her trauma responses and how to deal with that effectively and help her

• 2:04pm-3:02pm

  • Tara is very vulnerable with me and this is something to appreciate about her and the challenge of her situation

    • Show appreciation and how proud I am of her more often…it can help her feel better about herself and us

  • Talking about sex and the anxiety of being put on the spot or feeling obligated to do it

    • It’s a good idea to talk about it if I’m anxious about it

      • But doesn’t have to be a yes or no about wanting to have sex

        • Can it also just be wanting to be intimate in other ways like cuddling or a massage or something else (see Maintaining Healthy Sexual Relationship (A/L) @ 7/7: Leanne thinks we should work on having an intimate connection even when we are both tired.)

          • May or may not lead to sex and that’s okay

          • I want to keep sex more spontaneous

          • L: Naked cuddling too

Session #20: 9/13

• Pre-meeting notes:

  • Learning how to (truly) care about myself @ Alone Evening/Night - Sep 6

  • 9/7: First full day in office

    • Relieved about how well Loki is doing but didn’t sleep well

    • Frustrated about my division’s response to my presentation…my DD really liked it yet isn’t convinced

  • 9/8: Leanne thinks something is going on with me despite saying she had a nice evening last night with me.

    • I think I’m just anxious

  • 9/8: Told my manager Jason about my interest in a new position and it went well. Also got great feedback from Doug. Though I still want to interview, I’m less keen on taking the position and will use the interview to learn more about the job.

  • 9/9: Felt off and tired and disconnected from Tara but especially Leanne when they were drinking and I didn’t feel like. I went to bed early.

  • 9/10: A lot of anxiety about Honda migration activities that went bad by our IT…

    • Tara got frustrated at me and only made me more anxious and irritated by telling me I should just let IT handle it.

    • I’ve been feeling overwhelmed overall

  • 9/10: Argument with Leanne then Tara about my frustrations not feeling supported emotionally by my partners

    • Talked through it with both of them separately:

      • Tara questioned whether I’m truly expressing my vulnerable feelings.

        • I shared that I have 2 different expectations from my partners, 1 which is reasonable and 1 which is unreasonable:

          • Reasonable: They validate my emotions, perhaps not immediately but eventually after processing them. Validate = Accept that they are true are mine and act according to that knowledge

          • Unreasonable: They put their emotions on hold and focus on addressing my emotions, the way I have acted over the course of my life and relationship with them.

            • Despite this being unreasonable, I think I still feel frustrated or let down when this doesn’t happen

    • Leanne left to babysit and texted us a bit

      • Tara went out to pick up food on her own and while she was out Leanne messaged us about having to stay later than she expected. I texted her saying I was sorry and that she can text us if she gets bored. I didn’t think anything of it.

        • But when Tara got back, she came into the door “guns blazing” saying “she can text us anytime she gets bored!?”

          • I tried to respond calmly but finally just said that I didn’t have the energy to deal with this now and didn’t want to talk about it. But this triggered a bigger reaction and it became a major escalation.

            • It turned into an hour long fight while the food got cold. It involved talking about whether we wanted to be in a relationship together anymore and whether we were even good for each other.

            • At the end, I noticed my heart rate dropped and I tried fast, small breathes to elevate it and it seemed to work somewhat and give me the ability to apologize and talk through everything.

            • I also told her I’ve been feeling depressed over the last few weeks, primarily because I’m questioning what I care about in life, feel like my main contribution is keeping Loki alive for now, and that my relationships are the most challenging part of my life.

            • She told me she was scared of us not making it.

              • I told her we should make an agreement to try her living in 4825 for one year AND that we would never break up on a whim, in the heat of the moment; that we’d have to give it time until the emotions settled and decided together about it rationally.

                • She agreed and felt better and we had a nice night together and even had late night sex.

  • 9/13: Things feel okay with Leanne and Tara now, I even had sex with both of them in one day yesterday.

    • But I feel overwhelmed with my tasks, trying to cram everything in before this vacation to Europe.

  • 9/13: Started a book: Smart Girl’s Guide to Polyamory becomes it seemed interested, Tara recommended it and it’s a different style than what I usually read (and from a female perspective)

  • 9/13: Overwhelmed morning and call with Tara

    • Work has been overwhelming and frustrating

    • Called Tara and talked about it and she shared about her therapy. Talking through each other’s thoughts was calming and made me feel better.

      • I was also able to openly communicate to her about how I felt about her weight gain.

• What do I want to focus on this week?

  • Continue Therapy with Edward Hill, LISW-S @ Next time: Discuss Leanne and her trauma responses and how to deal with that effectively and help her —> Talked to her some more about this

  • Therapy with Edward Hill, LISW-S @ 8/18: Started The Gifts of Imperfection and took the assessment

  • In EU, I’m planning to disconnect from all my work for two full weeks…this is likely a big part of why I’ve been stressed out so much recently (preparing for this).

    • I want to focus on being mindful and staying connected to my emotions during the trip

      • Guidance for me to do this more effectively?

      • Discuss my typical challenges on trips (feeling the need to be productive, not wanting to spend money, just wanting to be home)

• 2:06pm-3:05pm

  • Equal participation fighting is helpful for Tara but hasn’t really worked with Leanne (seems to be due to trauma response…we postponed talking about this for now, again)

    • Therapy with Edward Hill, LISW-S @ Continue Therapy with Edward Hill, LISW-S @ Next time: Discuss Leanne and her trauma responses and how to deal with that effectively and help her —> Talked to her some more about this

  • I decided with support from Ed to do a full task reminder hold during entire duration of trip

    • All of my work and personal tasks, including habit reminders should be moved until after my return

      • Then do a deep dive into questioning which I really need including considering doing this more often for vacations or just personal days

  • Also shared with Ed my history of using systematic reminder systems since I was a child including even lending kids money and pens and even “loan-sharking”

  • Ed suggested that I seem to be thriving in my current work situation and cautioned me against taking the new job that requires me to work full time and have less autonomy at Honda

    • I agreed

October 2022

Session #21: 10/4

• Pre-meeting notes:

  • 9/17: Been a really rough few days with the Loki issues, Honda work and trip preparations. Trying to get all my tasks under control before the trip has caused me to lose a lot of sleep. I’ve slept worse this past week than in the past year. But today is the day we leave for EU…and I pass control of Loki to Jennifer.

    • I also didn’t workout or meditate last couple of days and lost my 190 days streak in Duolingo and 522 streak of days doing Kegels as well…all because I realized I wasn’t go to keep it during the trip. It was anticipatory changes.

  • 10/4: Misc update

    • Didn’t log or write anything about my trip but did take a lot of pictures

      • Now feel a sense of loss as I don’t even really want to do any of it anymore

      • But I realize I barely had any “me-time” over last two weeks either. There was just one single morning I was alone and I meditated and ran and felt quite good but that’s all I had time for.

        • Perhaps I just need more of my own time to explore myself more without all these self-imposed requirements and constraints

      • Did a lot of refereeing between Tara and Leanne

    • I’m worried about Loki…he is dying and not sure how to process the potential decision of having him put down…I wish he’d just die in his sleep.

    • Have this renewed sense of inspiration for my business since watching some lessons from Howard Schultz but haven’t been able to channel it yet.

• What do I want to focus on this week?

  • My feelings about my 2 week vacation without any tasks

• 2:05-3:05pm

  • Loki…I cried when I tried to explain that Loki’s attitude was an inspiration

    • Remembered about Emma and Nikolai

      • Have I suppressed my feelings about people and animals in the past?

  • The trip

    • Tara seems self-centered but maybe she is just more connected to her emotions

      • Just because other people are suffering and struggling, doesn’t mean my feelings in this moment are invalid

        • I tend to compare myself to others in order to invalidate my own feelings (both positive and negative)

    • I prefer having more open time to just be and explore…don’t like all the scheduled activities

      • Can I do this more on trips in the future? And in my life? For myself?

  • Living according to my personal bible…I’m the god and the follower

    • I’m no better than any religious person, except I’m blindly following something I’ve at least believed was important in the past

      • But is it to me in the present?

  • Memory

    • I logged nothing on the trip and struggle with this sense of my experiences fading into a poor memory

      • All people have poor memory

    • Black Mirror episode about recording the past: Ed said this was the best episode of all of them…asked me, would I elect to have that technology?

      • When I watched it, yes…but now, I’m not sure:

        • Ed: I’m not a computer!

          • I can’t just process away the negative effects of the past while having perfect memory of it all…somethings are better off forgetting.

Session #22: 10/11

• Pre-meeting notes:

  • 10/4: I didn’t tell Leanne or Tara about my therapy but after having a bout of frustration with Leanne about Loki, she started crying and then I started crying, both uncontrollably. We felt more connected after that even though it was challenging.

  • 10/5: My mom called me to tell me she accidentally revealed my poly relationship to my grandfather and he took it very well. When I told Leanne, she was bothered because she felt like it invalidated our relationship in his eyes. Tara seemed neutral to happy about it.

  • 10/5: Got my recovered hard drive of all my past data back today. I was expected to feel a sense of relief but it actually felt the opposite. Now that I have all this data back, what do I even want it for?

    • 10/6: Used it to watch my old porn…

  • 10/6: News about Loki…super emotional about this and having a hard time letting go. Cried with Tara.

    • I took him outside and let him roam around the perimeter of the house and he seemed to really enjoy it.

  • 10/6: Tara’s sister had her baby

  • 10/7: Loki Medical Consultation, Research and Planning, Post Nov 2021 @ Lap of Love Appointment 10/7/2022

  • 10/8: Talked to my grandpa about my poly relationship and felt like he was genuinely interested and open minded, more than my parents, which had me wondering, what happened to them?

  • 10/8: Told my dad that I didn't like how he was putting down my grandpa. I never really talked to him like that before and he seemed taken aback.

  • 10/9: Had a nice time playing ping pong with my parents and brother then soccer with my brother. Felt so good after that I decided to also go for a solo run in the park.

    • Made me realize that I would benefit from more fun physical activity, maybe playing finding some people to play soccer with.

  • 10/9: Leanne told me she had a pregnancy scare last night with Rizvi when the condom came off inside her. She ended up taking Plan B and was really anxious to tell me about it. I was supportive and understanding.

  • 10/9: Sexted with Tara and was almost like we just met. She’s becoming more interested in taking videos or even sharing us on web cam with people online which I’m excited about trying with her.

  • 10/10: Frustrations with my dad:

    • I played him in handball for the first time in a while and it reminded me of why I didn’t want to be around him anymore. He just has this attitude about him like he’s always trying to show you up and put you down. He beat me but I also played my brother who beat me worse and yet it didn’t feel the same way.

      • There is a certain compassion that my brother has that my dad completely lacks. My dad just makes me feel shitty.

    • Later in the evening, my dad made a statement about the word “stoic” having nothing to do with the philosophy of “stoicism” and it was a “misnomer” that they were even related. Stoic means unemotional but Stoicism means “porch meeting” and has nothing to do with being unemotional.

      • I decided to question this statement because it seemed outlandish. This resulted in a minor argument on the topic and me researching it to confirm whatever he said. It turned out what he said wasn’t true. And along the way he made various strange claims about his knowledge and experience.

      • After just about 5-10 minutes I completely disengaged and stopped talking or responding. Yet strangely, he seemed to not notice and kept talking and rattling off things he knew about stoicism, books he read, education he has and then expanded to his knowledge of philosophy as a whole. He stopped when my mom asked if we wanted ice cream.

        • But then for the rest of the evening and even the next morning, he kept bringing it up, despite me not saying a word about it, nor showing interest in the topic anymore.

  • 10/11: More on my dad:

    • The following morning, the first thing he told me told me was that I should listen to a book that he’d give me on audio that teaches the basic of philosophies. He didn’t even say hello or good morning. When I told him I already had a long queue of books I planned to read, he said this one was better and that he can help me not have to read those books…he didn’t even bother to ask which books I was thinking to read.

      • I notice, he never asks questions, except as pseudo questions that are really statements. He seems to show no interest in my experience as an independent human being. And whenever I tell him something, he always needs to counter it with something he knows…even if he has very little knowledge on the topic compared to me (such as KM and technology). It’s just plain unpleasant to talk to him.

    • Talked to my brother about it and it made me feel better. We both relate and we discussed how to better communicate and also the shared sentiment that neither of us had good role models for emotional maturity.

  • 10/11: Coming back to Ohio was relaxing and nice, especially being picked up by Tara and getting to reconnect with her.

    • After sharing about Leanne having a pregnancy scare, Tara told me that realized that if I accidentally got her pregnant, she would keep the baby and feel confident that she would manage even without my support or the support of her family. I was touched and proud of her too for having that confidence in herself, even after seeing everything her sister is and has been going through.

• What do I want to focus on this week?

  • Therapy with Edward Hill, LISW-S @ Talked to my brother about it and it made me feel better. We both relate and we discussed how to better communicate and also the shared sentiment that neither of us had good role models for emotional maturity.

• 2:10pm-3:15pm

  • My dad’s energy comes out (torrent of energy) in form of logic/thoughts

    • Self-disclose

      • I don’t feel close to him but I want to be

      • Start slowly, express my goal

  • Challenges with my brother

    • What are his true motives?

      • Sense of belonging and contributions to a group

Session #23: 10/18

• Pre-meeting notes:

  • 10/11: Fight with Leanne after I called her a slob after she told me I was weird about spills and she didn’t notice a splattered wall of wine that she left spilling her wine while buzzed while Tara and I were out at the grocery store.

    • Led to a huge fight in which I was super angry at her and she came down stairs after going to her room and then stormed out with her backpack and said she was going to take an Uber to her sisters. I didn’t want to chase after her because I had enough with her. But Tara encouraged me so I walked outside to find her waiting there on her phone about to call an Uber but having not yet.

      • We talked outside and it was a heated argument at time but after about 20 minutes, I convinced her to allow me to hug her and to come back inside.

    • Despite mostly neutralizing the situation, it made me concerned for my relationship with Leanne overall. She’s not doing well with her personal well being and mental health despite having a couple years of therapy now.

      • A basic thing like whether it is even helpful to open an honest, is still hard for her to see/acknowledge. She can’t take the idea of not being exactly what someone else wants and tries (often unsuccessfully) to change so that other’s like her.

      • And Tara doesn’t like her, and not without good reason, either.

      • I’m not sure how to deal with her challenges without getting overly involved our suppressing my own feelings…

  • 10/12: Relationship meeting with Leanne

    • Felt better after talking through things with her…she’s just really struggling with her relationship with Tara, but they started messaging each other again so hoping that helps.

  • 10/13: Had a nice evening with Tara, Leanne and Rizvi…hoping things calm down with everyone but really want to get my tenants out so we can get Tara moved in.

  • 10/14: My relationship meeting with Tara went well

    • I felt better about her with Leanne though Tara doesn’t want to be “friends” with Leanne at this time (meaning she doesn’t mind spending time with her and does have fun, but is not interested to spend any time with her without me there) until Leanne “grows up more”. It’s more a question of Leanne’s defender parts being out a lot when Tara is around.

    • Tara is also looking to focus on clarifying the vision for her future (not her future with me) in therapy.

      • We started talking about whether and when she wanted to have children

        • The prospect of having them with Tara before Leanne is the main thing that stresses me out, but otherwise I feel good about it

    • Tara has been struggling with not moving in next door yet and we also discussed her moving in to my unit temporarily until the house becomes available.

  • 10/14: Leanne’s therapy

    • She said it went well and told me a lot about it

      • She asked if I would be willing to write a letter to her mother part explaining how I feel and how I was sorry about hurting her when I met Tara

        • I said I’d be okay with this

  • 10/14: Had a nice evening with Leanne and Tara.

    • There seems to be less tension between them overall and it helped me to just relax and enjoy myself more.

  • 10/15: Went to Renfest even though I didn’t really want to go. I don’t really enjoy but I choose to go because both Leanne and Tara like it and Rizvi had never gone and wanted to see it.

    • Leanne bugged me because she kept wanting to drink more and her desire to drink even caused her and Rizvi to miss the best show due to a long drink line.

    • Tara bugged me because she’d rather get pissy than say she wants food. Also she just always complains about Leanne.

    • I just felt off a lot of the day and also feel like I’m eating too much in like every meal.

  • 10/16: Had poly meeting and it was challenging. Some key discussions:

    • Therapy with Edward Hill, LISW-S @ “How have I not allowed you to help me?”

      • Leanne says I get snippy when she gives advice

      • Tara says I have become more open but can be a battle depending on the part (some get defensive)

        • Sometimes I just say nothing is wrong and I’m just tired

        • At this time, I should focus on sharing everything on my mind and what I’m feeling so I get used to…eventually I can scale back

        • What should they do if I push them away?

          • Alex: Texting can help but also focusing on embodying curiosity rather than anxiety (more than just words, it’s body language too)

          • Tara: Can frame things as that they are anxious but because they are concerned for me and not their own well being

      • Leanne requested that if she seems to have an idea of how I feel, to tell her, rather than he having to uncover it later.

        • She also doesn’t know what “I’m tired” means

          • Physical, mentally, about a particular thing?

          • Alex: Sometimes when I say I’m tired, it means I hit a wall and no longer have the energy for what we are talking about or doing and stop caring about it but don’t want to say

          • Tara: When do I need space and when do I need pushed?

            • Texting can help here…they can just ask directly

    • Poly Group Meetings (Alex, Leanne, Tara) @ What is Alex’s perspective/feelings on the holidays?

      • What do I want to get out of the holidays?

        • My Thoughts and Feeling on Holidays

  • 10/16: After poly meeting, talked to Leanne then Tara:

    • Leanne shared more openly about her struggles and suicidal thoughts. It was a challenging and emotional conversation.

      • She also asked that we start talking about having a baby

    • Then we went downstairs and talked to Tara and Leanne and Tara talked out a lot of their thoughts without me being involved and I thought it was good

      • The only thing left out was about the baby conversation.

        • But Leanne does know that Tara is considering having a baby

    • But after, Leanne seemed to shut down and get really upset about having communicated.

      • She is struggling with vulnerability, even after it helps her.

  • 10/17: Woke up feeling really off but Tara seemed to be feeling very positive and helped.

    • Leanne still felt off though

    • After napping, I felt better

  • 10/17: Argument with Tara about her being scared to try things

  • 10/17: Leanne’s trauma and struggles with poly and Tara not liking her

    • She had a mental breakdown and a panic attack but I was so frustrated with her that I just left her alone. I had no desire to comfort her…at all. I felt like she was just a baby having a tantrum, not getting what she wanted with no ability to see that what she wants isn’t hers to have.

      • She wants me to give her a normal relationship and a normal life and is too scared to leave me or even compromise.

    • After she finished crying, she came down stairs and was very solemn. She just looked at me.

      • I thought she was going to ask for a divorce but instead she just asked what was on my mind. We ended up having a long conversation in which we openly shared our feelings and thoughts on the couch.

        • She told me she never saw me so cold and accused me of not being there for her as I promised in my vows. I said I was sorry but didn’t feel she needed support from me in this time.

        • We talked about her struggles with Tara and Leanne’s family

          • It seems like the family thing is the biggest deal to her.

    • After all the open expressing, I felt more connected to her and asked if she wanted to go upstairs for sex and we had very connected sex for the first time in a while.

      • I felt better and so did she.

• What do I want to focus on this week?

  • Feedback from my partners on: Therapy with Edward Hill, LISW-S @ Therapy with Edward Hill, LISW-S @ “How have I not allowed you to help me?”

  • My relationship with Leanne and working with her trauma:

    • Therapy with Edward Hill, LISW-S @ 6/29: Expressed to Leanne that I feel like I’m often in a parental role towards her being the main motive she has towards keeping up with her own goals, tasks and responsibilities. She agreed with this but got upset and switched into her “mother” mode. She didn’t even remember the conversation we had after she switched back. I wanted to talk about Leanne’s switching behaviors and check in about my strategies dealing with that.

    • Therapy with Edward Hill, LISW-S @ Equal participation fighting is helpful for Tara but hasn’t really worked with Leanne (seems to be due to trauma response…we postponed talking about this for now, again)

    • Therapy with Edward Hill, LISW-S @ 10/11: Fight with Leanne after I called her a slob after she told me I was weird about spills and she didn’t notice a splattered wall of wine that she left spilling her wine while buzzed while Tara and I were out at the grocery store.

    • Therapy with Edward Hill, LISW-S @ I felt better about her with Leanne though Tara doesn’t want to be “friends” with Leanne at this time (meaning she doesn’t mind spending time with her and does have fun, but is not interested to spend any time with her without me there) until Leanne “grows up more”. It’s more a question of Leanne’s defender parts being out a lot when Tara is around.

    • Therapy with Edward Hill, LISW-S @ 10/16: After poly meeting, talked to Leanne then Tara:

    • Therapy with Edward Hill, LISW-S @ 10/17: Leanne’s trauma and struggles with poly and Tara not liking her

    • Therapy with Edward Hill, LISW-S @ She asked if I would be willing to write a letter to her mother part explaining how I feel and how I was sorry about hurting her when I met Tara

• 2:05PM-3:05PM

  • What does Leanne get out of seeing her family?

Session #24: 10/25

• Pre-meeting notes:

  • 10/18

    • Talk with Tara

      • She and her mom think I’m better with Tara than Leanne and think Leanne and I won’t last

        • Tara went on to explain how Leanne couldn’t live without me

          • This bothered me

      • Tara sees that I’m secure/independent yet have low self-esteem

        • I grew myself out of an insecure attachment style (from my mom) into a secure person

          • I’m open to love (and vulnerable)

        • But I never got through my low self-esteem (from my dad)

      • Tara feels I’ve been more open and affectionate towards her lately

        • This may be triggering Leanne to see us thriving while she and her are struggling

          • She is too concerned about Tara and my relationship and what we think of her…but what does she even feel about us?

            • She has bigger things to focus on…she never left family mentally, even if she left them physically

              • Can Levi help this?

  • 10/20: Evening alone

    • Did some remaining research for our Idaho trip which was quite stressful due to the tension between Leanne and Tara about it and the high cost of flights

    • I managed to bring myself to play drums for a bit and even got into it but lost steam after about 15 minutes and decided to just be productive and clean the house because I didn’t feel like doing anything else, even porn.

      • I feel somewhat depressed, but maybe more just apathetic

      • Read some Smart Girl’s Guide to Polyamory and had some questions about myself brought up (see Kindle notes)

  • 10/21

    • Realization that I was really thrilled to explore the various torture in the painting recreation

      • I felt some sexual arousal from it too even and it reminded me of the same feeling I had as a child going to bed, looking forward to fantasizing about torturing people

      • I realized I had some sick aspiration to rule such a place as that in the painting

    • Fight with Tara after she expressed frustration about us not scheduling the Idaho trip sooner

      • She was upset we didn't listen to her when she pushed us to plan earlier

      • I said she did the same thing for our Europe trip and I didn't make a big deal about it

      • She said a lot of really nasty things about Leanne and my relationship with her and did so in a very aggressive way

      • I responded in kind and it escalated quickly

      • She asked me to go home

      • I explained that I wished she just share her feelings from a place of vulnerability and not as an attack

      • She said that was hard and I didn't make it easier and I did the same thing

      • So I attempted to share my feelings vulnerably and shared that I was scared of her leaving me

      • She shared some fears too and it led to a softening of our conversation and productive dialogue

    • Make up with Tara

  • 10/22

    • Told Tara about my experience with the art but didn't show her

      • She was supportive and suggested I explore either making drawings or music to express that part of me

      • Also discussed me dressing as a devil for Halloween

    • Saw Tara's sister's baby for the first time

      • Was underwhelming but did remind how damn dependent babies are and just how much impact parents have on the development of their child

    • Told Tim I want to try mountain biking again with him

    • Got really cool smart fairy lights and they were so awesome that Tara, Leanne and I were inspired to set up a club and dance environment in the living room and stayed up late dancing and admiring the lights synchronized to the music

      • It was the most freely I've danced (or moved, if you can even call if dancing) I've ever been and as typical for me, I was dead sober when doing it

  • 10/23: Showed Tara the painting and video and talked through my thoughts on it

    • Despite Tara seeming a little off about it yet being interested still, I was relieved but also want to discuss this with Leanne now

  • 10/24: Leanne told me about her therapy and discovery of the origin of one of her parts (Annie) who is the teenage part that takes over when she perceives someone is upset, especially anticipating her family being upset.

• What do I want to focus on this week?

  • Fights with Tara about Leanne

    • Therapy with Edward Hill, LISW-S @ She and her mom think I’m better with Tara than Leanne and think Leanne and I won’t last

    • Therapy with Edward Hill, LISW-S @ Fight with Tara after she expressed frustration about us not scheduling the Idaho trip sooner

  • Continue: Therapy with Edward Hill, LISW-S @ My relationship with Leanne and working with her trauma:

    • Therapy with Edward Hill, LISW-S @ She has bigger things to focus on…she never left family mentally, even if she left them physically

    • Therapy with Edward Hill, LISW-S @ 10/24: Leanne told me about her therapy and discovery of the origin of one of her parts (Annie) who is the teenage part that takes over when she perceives someone is upset, especially anticipating her family being upset.

  • The painting and video file…

    • Therapy with Edward Hill, LISW-S @ Realization that I was really thrilled to explore the various torture in the painting recreation

    • Therapy with Edward Hill, LISW-S @ Told Tara about my experience with the art but didn't show her

    • Therapy with Edward Hill, LISW-S @ 10/23: Showed Tara the painting and video and talked through my thoughts on it

• 2:06pm-3:07pm

  • Therapy with Edward Hill, LISW-S @ But I never got through my low self-esteem (from my dad)

  • Therapy with Edward Hill, LISW-S @ Continue: Therapy with Edward Hill, LISW-S @ My relationship with Leanne and working with her trauma:

    • Intensive outpatient program (IOP) for Leanne?

      • 3 sessions a week, 3 hours at a time

      • 18-24 sessions total

      • Intense group therapy

      • Can be modeled on parts work

      • It can be very helpful to interact with others

      • Helps especially with people with low motivation

    • Can also find groups on Psychology Today

      • Just interacting with a group could be good

      • Once a week for an hour can be good

      • Ed can share opinion if we share details

    • Tara challenges me whereas I protect Leanne

    • Thinks I should go but figure out ground line

      • What is fair and equitable?

• Therapy with Edward Hill, LISW-S @ The painting and video file…

  • Gave him the links to all the related info to look into

    • He thought the painting was fascinating and said he enjoy this kind of artwork

  • Briefly explained my reaction and the connection to my dark self but only very briefly

    • I’d like to delve into it more in next session

November 2022

Session #25: 11/4

• Past topics:

  • Dancing freely

    • Therapy with Edward Hill, LISW-S @ It was the most freely I've danced (or moved, if you can even call if dancing) I've ever been and as typical for me, I was dead sober when doing it

• Pre-meeting notes:

  • 10/26: Work stuff

    • Got my new laptop and it’s like night and day…I can’t believe I’ve been using my old laptop for so long…reminds me that’s how life can be…spending years struggling when one simple change can make a huge difference

    • Got 2 patents and people congratulated me

  • 10/26: Tara’s therapy and productivity

    • She was really excited to talk to me on the phone about her day and insights, especially that she realized she has been treating her tendency to adapt to the desires of others (her mom, dad and aunt, all different desires) as a superpower but it really may be a trauma response.

      • She has this renewed energy and motivation and it’s exciting. She’s more open to what she may want to do with her life, without thinking about the others she may fear letting down.

  • 10/26: Showed Leanne the same Hell.exe stuff I showed Tara. Leanne was both supportive and interested in it herself. Her interest didn’t surprise me but also didn’t make me feel any better. I had the insight:

    • Discussed: Relationship Meetings (Alex & Leanne) @ The fantasy is doing this kind of stuff to people I don’t like or I don’t know…not people I care about

  • 10/26: Scheduled a KM virtual coffee with someone

    • Trying to meet more people that share my passion professionally

  • 10/26: Got invited to my half cousin once-removed’s wedding and stressed me out

  • 10/27: Learning how to (truly) care about myself @ Alone Evening/Night - Oct 27

    • Learning how to (truly) care about myself @ Meditated while listening and realized something:

    • Learning how to (truly) care about myself @ Meditated without a plan or timing it and went for 6 minutes

    • Learning how to (truly) care about myself @ This personal time was better than most I’ve had:

  • 10/28: Halloween devil/demon night with Tara

    • Experimented with my sadistic part while listening to music with Tara and dressed as a devil and Tara in her leather pants demon costume. We listened primarily to Nine Inch Nails which we both enjoyed. I did what I wanted with her including sexually.

      • It was interesting but hard to say whether I liked it or not…I just now that I did what felt natural

      • After, when we were just laying around and Tara was anxious about how I was feeling but I couldn’t really say. Suddenly, I noticed a significant change in the way things looked and the clarity…I think I switched out of that mode into my normal self.

        • What was weird was that I recognized that sensation of things just seeming brighter and in more focus but never recognized it as a switch of parts like I did this time. My ability to communicate was back too

  • 10/29: Early voted with Leanne and Tara

    • I felt good about it, even proud, which is a rare feeling for me.

  • 10/31: Talk with Tara about her worries about the future and our relationship never being truly celebrated by others

    • It was a good talk and she acknowledged some underlying connections to deeper struggles causing her to resent Leanne more than just Leanne’s own behaviors.

      • Including her sister and her dad and the story about her having to sell all her CD’s as punishment for texting too much whereas her sister never had fair punishments

  • 10/30: Alex's Goals (Ongoing) @ I’m thinking to adjust my process to lean less on logging/planning and more on periodic check-in statuses. The goal is to be more mindful about these things and avoid anxiety tied to habit formation. I want to be able to enjoy things like exercising, eating healthy and so on. Some insights I’ve had recently are helping me see there are better ways that regimented reminder systems.

  • 11/1: Learning how to (truly) care about myself @ Alone Evening/Night - Nov 1

    • Learning how to (truly) care about myself @ Starting to really enjoy Hannibal after watching 2 more episodes - Feeling more connected to the characters psychologically

  • 11/3: Talk with Tara after her therapy

    • She is struggling really hard with jealousy tied to fear of abandonment but she seems like she can’t bring herself to delve into this…she keeps shutting down whenever it comes up and saying it’s just because I’m trying to manipulate her into being open to polyamory. It made me very frustrated and feel defeated.

    • After she came over, we had another argument the led to a similar conclusion. But this time she said she just wanted empathy. It was hard for to empathize with her when I felt like she was attacking me and the value of me as a partner and I told her that.

      • She went upstairs and we both basically ignored what happened and ended up having a nice evening together.

• What do I want to focus on this week?

  • Therapy with Edward Hill, LISW-S @ 10/27: Learning how to (truly) care about myself @ Alone Evening/Night - Oct 27 and Therapy with Edward Hill, LISW-S @ 10/30: Alex's Goals (Ongoing) @ I’m thinking to adjust my process to lean less on logging/planning and more on periodic check-in statuses. The goal is to be more mindful about these things and avoid anxiety tied to habit formation. I want to be able to enjoy things like exercising, eating healthy and so on. Some insights I’ve had recently are helping me see there are better ways that regimented reminder systems.

  • Therapy with Edward Hill, LISW-S @ Experimented with my sadistic part while listening to music with Tara and dressed as a devil and Tara in her leather pants demon costume. We listened primarily to Nine Inch Nails which we both enjoyed. I did what I wanted with her including sexually.

  • Therapy with Edward Hill, LISW-S @ 11/3: Talk with Tara after her therapy

• 2:05pm-3:00pm

  • Talked through much of the above including my realizations:

    • I need to stop enforcing other people’s boundaries (ex: breaking up with Anna for what I told myself was to help her, not touching Leanne because of Tara, etc.)

      • If I’m concerned about someone else not enforcing their own boundary then I can bring it up to them, but go no further than that

        • If we need something else, we should come up with agreements

    • Small changes can make a big difference (ex: new laptop, urethral surgery)

    • I’ve created a “reward” for exercising or meditating as the checking off of a task and the recording of the item in my records…but those aren’t serving my purpose

      • I need to break the unhealthy habit cycle in order to learn to enjoy the act of meditation and exercise

    • Tara may be having trouble differentiating social pressure from her own desires?

Session #26: 11/15

• Pre-meeting notes:

  • 11/4: Had a nice evening with Tara, Leanne and Rizvi

    • Had a few drinks then went out with them and came back early

    • What was most fun was setting up the living room like a club with the smart string lights and setting up Ben’s speaker too for awesome sound, then doing an improvised light show to the music while they all danced

    • After Rizvi and Leanne went to bed, Tara wanted to dance with me and we danced to Satisfied and I led her and she absolutely loved it. She said it was one of the best moments in her life and went on to say maybe I was right about the importance of the moments in between the special events/holidays. It was really nice.

  • 11/5: Tara said she wanted to move in

    • She told me she didn’t like living at her mom’s and would prefer to move in to my place until the tenants move out. I was excited by this and we started talking details.

  • 11/5: M and got exhausted

    • 6:40pm

    • 1/3 piece edible M

    • Felt it a lot after 1 hour and 15 minutes

    • Soon after I got crazy tired and basically napped/slept on and off through an entire 2:20 movie

  • 11/6: Tara realized she really only struggles with one part of Leanne…her teenager part named Annie. This was a major relief to me since Tara is started to feel more connected and friendly with Leanne again.

  • 11/7: Got buzzed at the KM Showcase and talked to a lot of people

    • Also walked around in DC to find the moon and had a nice time talking to Leanne, more so than in recent days. We like observing astronomy

  • 11/8: Night out with Bart and all

    • Lots of notable insights including the value of talking to people in person and what “networking” really is

    • Shared about my poly relationship and it was a headline of the night which felt good to engage so many people but also felt insecure afterwards.

  • 11/9: Evening with Stan and crew

    • Was bothered by Rachel talking non-stop about herself without even being asked

  • 11/10: Excited to meet Patrick

    • He is someone that intrigued me from SIKM and was excited to get to talk to in person and discuss my specific struggles and perspectives. He was very insightful.

  • 11/10: Took a bath and then video called with Rose and it was really nice…I miss her and wanted more but held to my agreements with Tara

  • 11/11: Got into fight with Tara regarding giving her more space in 4831. Eventually she calmed down and we talked through it and things were better. She is struggling with feeling like people think poorly of her and aren’t comfortable being open with her (including me), especially after I shared hesitation to tell her about my “sex blanket”

  • 11/11: Insights from John Hovell @ Fear of failure, over-thinking, no impact. And I also almost hear fear of ambition/possibility (Edited)

  • 11/12: Discussion and argument regarding boundaries.

    • Leanne felt better but Tara was upset but after explaining my feelings she felt better.

    • Leanne proceeded to tell Tara about her baby stuff and do a show and tell

  • 11/12: Fight and late talk with Tara

    • We are clashing a lot and got into a fight after Leanne texted us to ask if we were both okay with her wearing diapers with her

    • I asked Tara how she felt and she refused to answer until I shared and took my hesitation as some kind of inability to be vulnerable and expectation that she should be vulnerable first

      • Whenever she does this, it instantly upsets me and makes me feel like Tara just doesn't get me nor knows how to communicate to me

    • She decided she'd go to bed early and it seemed to be out of spite

      • I didn't care to discuss more with her but went upstairs to get my stuff and brush my teeth since I wasn't scheduled to sleep with her

      • When I finished she was there on the bed and I looked at her and she seemed interested to talk so I went to the bed and gave her a chance to talk

      • It led to about 90 minutes of fighting/discussion/sharing

        • By the end I felt totally defeated and had no feelings towards Tara at all and couldn't even bring myself to say "I love you" you to her

        • I can't recall all the details but I know that the morning after, I see her as a petty, stubborn, impatient person misguided by a false sense of fake confidence in her abilities as an "expert" communicator

        • I told her I felt alone and she said she feared I felt alone a lot

        • I shared about the two sides of me in conflict, the one that does everything I think is best and the one that ignores everything and does what is interesting/exciting

          • Those parts have clashed since a child

          • I told her how that second part often feels like I'm just done with life and should just end it

          • I told her how she makes me feel sad whenever she accuses me of trying to manipulate her to do what I want her to do for my own purposes

          • I told about how I struggle to speak fast because I'm so distracted my perceiving what the other person may think that it's hard to focus and come up with the words

          • She's a fast and messy and I'm a slow and deliberate talker if I even talk at all

          • She said it's difficult for her to talk to me when I pause and talk slow

          • She admitted she's uncomfortable or scared of silence and feels the need to fill it when I pause

          • Other things too but I forget and she said she'd share some writing about it too

          • I don't trust her because she's too wrapped up in herself and seems ignorant of her blindspots

          • She wants me to do more parts work with Ed regarding these conflicting parts

  • 11/13: Text with Tara about last night and my feelings and frustrations

    • Led to difficult communication but then she came down and told me she loved me and we had very productive conversations and everything felt better

  • 11/13: Argument and fights in evening after I watched Hannibal with Leanne and told Tara.

    • I was really frustrated and told Leanne that Tara was just coming up with stuff and Tara heard and had a major outburst leading to a huge argument. Tara ended up staying over despite being about to leave and we talked it through and she and I felt better after communicating our feelings.

    • Leanne got upset and shut down and Tara tried to help her feel better and so did I. Leanne felt threatened by Tara’s big emotions.

  • 11/14: Text with Leanne about last night

    • She felt like Tara has been using her emotions as an excuse to verbally abuse me. I shared that we’ve been trying to be more open with our feeling and thoughts resulting in a lot of conflict but it’s necessary that we communicate these things.

• What do I want to focus on this week?

  • Experience at KMWorld and week on my own

    • Therapy with Edward Hill, LISW-S @ 11/7: Got buzzed at the KM Showcase and talked to a lot of people

    • Therapy with Edward Hill, LISW-S @ 11/8: Night out with Bart and all

    • Therapy with Edward Hill, LISW-S @ 11/9: Evening with Stan and crew

    • Therapy with Edward Hill, LISW-S @ 11/10: Excited to meet Patrick

    • Therapy with Edward Hill, LISW-S @ 11/10: Took a bath and then video called with Rose and it was really nice…I miss her and wanted more but held to my agreements with Tara

  • Insights from John Hovell @ Fear of failure, over-thinking, no impact. And I also almost hear fear of ambition/possibility (Edited)

  • Struggles/chaos with Tara:

    • Positive:

      • Therapy with Edward Hill, LISW-S @ She was really excited to talk to me on the phone about her day and insights, especially that she realized she has been treating her tendency to adapt to the desires of others (her mom, dad and aunt, all different desires) as a superpower but it really may be a trauma response.

      • Therapy with Edward Hill, LISW-S @ It was a good talk and she acknowledged some underlying connections to deeper struggles causing her to resent Leanne more than just Leanne’s own behaviors.

      • Therapy with Edward Hill, LISW-S @ 11/6: Tara realized she really only struggles with one part of Leanne…her teenager part named Annie. This was a major relief to me since Tara is started to feel more connected and friendly with Leanne again.

      • Therapy with Edward Hill, LISW-S @ She told me she didn’t like living at her mom’s and would prefer to move in to my place until the tenants move out. I was excited by this and we started talking details.

    • Negative:

      • Therapy with Edward Hill, LISW-S @ 11/11: Got into fight with Tara regarding giving her more space in 4831. Eventually she calmed down and we talked through it and things were better. She is struggling with feeling like people think poorly of her and aren’t comfortable being open with her (including me), especially after I shared hesitation to tell her about my “sex blanket”

      • Therapy with Edward Hill, LISW-S @ 11/12: Discussion and argument regarding boundaries. —> Poly Group Meetings (Alex, Leanne, Tara) @ Alex was struggling to communicate that he is struggling with feeling responsible for other people's boundaries

      • Therapy with Edward Hill, LISW-S @ 11/12: Fight and late talk with Tara

      • Therapy with Edward Hill, LISW-S @ 11/13: Argument and fights in evening after I watched Hannibal with Leanne and told Tara.st

      • Therapy with Edward Hill, LISW-S @ She felt like Tara has been using her emotions as an excuse to verbally abuse me. I shared that we’ve been trying to be more open with our feeling and thoughts resulting in a lot of conflict but it’s necessary that we communicate these things.

    • Uncertain:

      • Therapy with Edward Hill, LISW-S @ It led to about 90 minutes of fighting/discussion/sharing

      • Therapy with Edward Hill, LISW-S @ 11/13: Text with Tara about last night and my feelings and frustrations

• 2:03pm-3:00pm

  • Insights from John Hovell @ Fear of failure, over-thinking, no impact. And I also almost hear fear of ambition/possibility (Edited)

    • Tipping Point - Malcolm Gladwell

    • The vulnerable feeling of sharing my own wins and being judged as self-centered

      • I’m too fearful of what other may think of me…

        • It’s okay to share things about myself as long as I follow up with sincere interest in the other person

    • Giving support is even more satisfying than giving gifts

      • Look for mentors and don’t be afraid to ask for help…push the discomfort of being a receiver and not giver (my tendency)

  • Boundaries

    • Consider establishing agreements about what information we should share with each other about the other relationship

    • Tara is really just expressing doubts of all kinds and either wants reassurance of a positive or to avoid triggers of thinking about the negative

      • Tara would benefit from more awareness of her patterns but I can’t do that much for her here

        • All I can do is model the behavior I think is healthy and avoid making the conversation about what she did wrong

          • Continue to express my feelings, especially when I feel hurt by her

          • If I feel like she’s not matching my openness and vulnerability, tell her how that makes me feel (don’t criticize her)