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The Unwritten History of Polyamory

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Men of the Lakota Sioux would sometimes choose to create a deep, committed bond with another man, known as kola

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The Huron embraced having multiple partners and discouraged any public displays of jealousy.

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Among the Pawnee people, both polygyny (a man having multiple female partners) and polyandry (a woman having multiple male partners) were common.

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Of course monogamy is not inherently bad. Monogamy and sexual preference in general have unfortunately been wrapped up in the moral code of long-standing religious and political institutions that have historically sought to control and limit human behavior through guilt, threats, and sometimes even violence.

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relationship structure and sexuality have become psychologically entangled with our sense of virtue and ethics.

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In the early 1800s, French philosopher Charles Fourier began writing and publishing his radical views in rebellion against the industrialization of society. Fourier called for the creation of a utopian society that would abandon the nuclear family structure and abolish anything that repressed human desires, including sexuality.

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Fourier staunchly supported the liberation of women and may have been the first to coin the term feminism.

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Many self-proclaimed “Fourierists” attempted to create utopian intentional communities in America during the mid-1800s, with varying degrees of success.

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The Fourierist movement of the mid-1800s also saw the rise of Joseph Smith and the creation of the Mormon religion.

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In 1848 Noyes established the Oneida Community—an intentional community of about 300 members who shared property, raised children communally, and were permitted to engage in multiple romantic and sexual partnerships.

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The Oneida Community lasted a little over thirty years—significantly longer than most other Fourierist societies of the time, which historically dissolved after four or five years.

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The only remnant left is the Oneida Ltd. silverware company, still going strong today.

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The stifling conventions of the Victorian era were abandoned by many modernist intellectuals of the time, particularly by the famous Bloomsbury Group—a group of London-based writers and artists including author Virginia Woolf and her sister, painter Vanessa Bell, poet T. S. Eliot, and acclaimed economist Maynard Keynes (he’s the guy to thank for giving us Keynesian economics).

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Keep in mind that this is all taking place in the early 1900s in Edwardian England. The Bloomsbury Group not only cast off societal aspersions toward homosexuality, gender roles, and non-monogamy, but the majority of them also went on to create seminal works of art, literature, and intellectual theory. The unconventional community started to dissolve in the 1930s as its core members began to pass away.

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Other Influential Poly Women: • Edna St. Vincent Millay (1892–1950) Millay’s poetry and writings on female sexuality, desire, and feminism earned her recognition and success early in her career; she received the Pulitzer Prize for poetry in 1923.33 Millay and her husband kept their marriage open for all twenty-six years of their relationship, and she maintained concurrent relationships with both men and women during this time.34, 35 • Simone

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Simone de Beauvoir (1908–1986)

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Polyamory requires blunt, transparent honesty about one’s innermost feelings, thoughts, fears, and desires.

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If being blatantly honest with your partners makes you feel uneasy or anxious, or if you find yourself resorting to omitting information, it can be helpful to examine what kind of relationship to honesty was established when you were young.

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If you’re under the impression that you don’t have a particular way you fight or that you don’t resort to a myriad of strategies to make yourself right and the other person wrong, go ask someone who has been in an argument with you at least three times (parents, siblings, and exes are great for this).

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Sex is part of our psychology, and that means it also causes some troubling questions. Am I sexy enough? Do I think about sex too much? Is my sex drive too high? Too low? For women, there’s the added stress of worrying about pregnancy, about being labeled as “frigid” if you don’t want to have sex, or being labeled as “slutty” if you do.

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check in with yourself and get curious about what kind of sexual being you are and what kind of thoughts, feelings, and opinions about sex you may have.

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The very concept of being in a relationship where you’re “sharing” a partner with multiple others is abjectly terrifying to many.

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the default tactic is to make sure to avoid jealousy-causing circumstances at all costs.

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Within non-monogamous relationships, this shows up in the form of never wanting to hear any details about your partner’s other partners, or setting up restrictions on how intimate other relationships can grow.

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The problem is that these behaviors treat the symptom but not the disease.

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The fear of being alone is universal. Yet relationships themselves rarely allay our fears or insecurities.

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Even when we’re not alone, we are still afraid of being alone.

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The fear of losing a partner and being alone manifests in many ways: jealousy, anger, anxiety, possessiveness, competition, arrogance, indifference, and many other unsavory attitudes.

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It is important to figure out now what these deeply held negative beliefs are.

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Discovering your vulnerabilities gives you an opportunity to be gentle with yourself and enables you to give your partners insights into the things that trigger your jealousies and anxieties.

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Regardless of your reasons, you’re someone who is ready to stop playing by someone else’s rules.

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Your future decisions don’t need to be dictated by the expectations of your family, your culture, your church, or your peer group.

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start creating a unique masterpiece

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If you could really have whatever you wanted in regard to love, sex, and relationships, what would it look like?

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Or perhaps you envision a large, happy family of partners and metamours (your partners’ other partners) dedicated to raising a whole passel of little kids together.

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As you go through the questions below and continue reading this book, keep in mind that your fantasy love life may be more achievable than you think, though it may not look exactly the way you initially envision it.

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What kind of person do you have to be in order to get the love life that you want?

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What kind of people do you want to be romantically and sexually involved with?

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How do you personally define commitment? How do you know if someone is in a committed relationship with you?

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If you’re interested in polyamory or some other form of non-monogamy, why is that? What are your reasons for pursuing it?

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What are your thoughts on raising children within your romantic relationships? Would you want just one partner to act as coparent, or could you envision multiple partners raising your children? Would you feel happy being part of the child-rearing process for a child who was not biologically yours?

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You ever notice that there are some fundamental things they never taught you at school? For instance, personal finance.

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It’s one thing to know how to calculate 10 percent of your income; it’s another thing altogether to develop the diligence to put that 10 percent into your savings every month.

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the traditional education system does not teach us much about adult relationships.

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I originally wrote this for Multiamory.com as “7 Habits of Highly Effective Poly Relationships,” and to this day it’s still one of the site’s most popular articles.

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Your sense of commitment to your partners involves a dedication to being the best possible version of yourself that you can be, and maintaining the responsibility of caring for your partners.

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It allows you and your partners to live in a realm where communicating with vulnerability is welcomed.

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You also need to stay committed to yourself. This means knowing how to set personal boundaries and learning how to best take care of yourself emotionally, mentally, and physically.

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It is better to have a partner say, “Yes, I get it. You’ve told me twice already,” than say, “I had no idea you felt that way! Why didn’t you tell me?!”

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Expressing your feelings honestly calls for emotional responsibility. That means owning your feelings

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Your emotional state, while influenced by external events and outside factors, is entirely shaped by your internal decisions about how to react in any given moment.

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It’s a subtle shift in psychology—it may be your partner’s mistake, but it’s your reaction.

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Knowing when to H.A.L.T. has merit. Are you feeling hungry, angry, lonely, or tired? If so, right now is probably not the best time to talk, especially if the subject matter is uncomfortable or difficult.

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Practice being able to step away from a heated argument.

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Find an established set of tools or a particular communication system to rely on, especially when discussing emotionally intense topics. I prefer to use nonviolent communication (NVC) as a ritual to keep me in line and prevent me from slipping into emotionally driven communication.

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You can find a recap of this and more information at the official website for the Center for Nonviolent Communication at cnvc.org.

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But regardless of flexibility and timing, sometimes someone ends up at the crappy end of the scheduling stick.

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At the end of the day, choosing flexibility is much more likely to bring happiness and peace to you and your partners.

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Self-efficacy is a mix of confidence, self-esteem, and the ability to bounce back from setbacks.

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For most people, entering into a poly relationship involves a lot of learning—learning about yourself, learning to manage emotions, learning to communicate better, learning how to love many people without hurting them or yourself.

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confidence in knowing that they have the capability to handle whatever arises.

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Most people establish a strong or weak sense of self-efficacy in childhood and their formative years, but there are still many options for developing it as an adult.

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A radically honest relationship format will take every single insecurity you have and drag it out into the spotlight.

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When your inner voice of insecurity is going from zero to sixty, it changes everything if you make the choice to be vulnerable and share it with your partner.

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Vulnerability is uncomfortable, but it doesn’t have to be feared. If anything, it should be embraced as an opportunity to get closer to your partners and to begin shaping new thought patterns around your insecurities.

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“Reach for the most compassionate version of yourself. You’re doing this because you love people.”5

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One of the primary distinguishing points that separates ethical non-monogamy from traditional relationships is a sense that you, your partners, and your partners’ partners are all on the same team.

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It requires choosing cohesion over conflict, choosing connection over competition.

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Straying beyond the bounds of “normal” almost always guarantees reactions ranging from excited, curious fascination to confusion, disgust, and ridicule.

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be gracious, kind, and to keep doing you.

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It takes major guts to face your deep fears surrounding rejection, loss, and personal insecurities. It takes even more guts to let someone you love be free, trusting that they’ll still care for you;

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keep up that curiosity about yourself, the same way you are curious to learn about a lover.

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“Dating yourself” goes beyond getting to know yourself; it also means taking care of yourself.

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A large part of my personal self-care involves having alone time. When I don’t actually schedule “me time,” it quickly fills up with obligations to partners, projects, friends, and others, and I find myself depleted.

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Equanimity is the state in which you are able to enjoy the good parts of life without desperately clinging to them, and to weather the bad parts without kicking and screaming.

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Let go of tightly held baggage from past relationships that is preventing you from opening up your current relationships. Don’t let your partner’s past mistakes have a lasting hold on your heart, and make a commitment to not dredge up past faults to use as ammo in arguments. Let your future be open, blank, and ripe for every possibility, free from constraints of the past or anxiety over what happens next.

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There are many inroads to jealousy, and every individual can be triggered by totally unique circumstances that may link back to childhood memories, trauma from past relationships, or any number of strange quirks embedded in one’s emotional makeup.

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the most common hang-ups that trigger jealousy are comparisons, competition, fear, and loss of control.

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Online and offline, comparisons are unavoidable.

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However, the meaning that you apply to these comparisons is what makes the difference between feeling good about yourself and falling into a death spiral of jealousy and insecurity.

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There’s been much research on the ways that animals naturally compete for water, food, mates, shelter, and other resources. Humans have taken competition to the extreme—you

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If you believe that love is hard to come by, it is quite natural to become possessive.

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The problem is that people are not property, and love is not a limited resource. People can’t really be given, taken, stolen like treasure, won like a prize, or shared like a toy.

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The capacity to give and receive love is infinite and abundant.

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Jealousy arises out of fears that are usually well-established in one’s psychological makeup from an early age.

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If you’ve been betrayed, lied to, cheated on in the past, it is all too easy to assume that the same nightmare will happen again.

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Dr. Rankin proposes allowing our fears to teach us exactly what it is we need to address within ourselves in order to remove our barriers to happiness. Heartbreak and loss crack us open, and in that crack we can witness who we really are, what we really need, and find so many more opportunities to continue to live and love, even when we feel like shutting everything out. She even proposes granting permission to break your heart—to a pet, to a child, to a new romantic partner.

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It’s important to be up-front about your sexual history for reasons of health and safety, but it is also a shared responsibility to combat assumptions that a woman who has had multiple sex partners is used up or dirty.

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Sex, much like spirituality, is a personal journey.

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Good sex is not only physically pleasurable, but mentally and emotionally as well.

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Good Sex allows for evolution and flexibility. Humans are amazing creatures and what turns us on and gets us off can change many times throughout a life. Good Sex requires us to be willing to look with eyes wide open at our shadow self, our trauma, and our ingrained beliefs. Good Sex is neither being attached or indifferent. It is being fully present, without grasping, for the amazing thing that happens when people decide to come together to do what we have been doing since the beginning of humankind.

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The first step is in learning what feels good when you are by yourself.

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Contemporary research and observation of brainwave frequencies find that women experience just as quick and enthusiastic a response to erotic images as men do.

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nurture, rather than nature, has trained women to abstain from consuming the same amounts of pornography as the average male.

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It is necessary to let go of preconceived or culturally installed ideas of what you should find sexy in order to discover what you actually do find sexy. This requires bringing mindfulness to your brain and body and being vigilant in noticing the sights, sounds, smells, and situations that get your nerves tingling and whisks your mind into the realm of tempting fantasy, whether for a brief moment or for the rest of the day.

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Imagine learning how to drive when your only educational resource is the Fast and the Furious film franchise.

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we did not evolve to be instinctually disgusted by sex or repulsed by others having sex.

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seek moderation and mindfulness. Moderation in porn consumption will protect against desensitization, or ending up in a rut where you are unable to become aroused during sex with a partner.

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If you have never examined or questioned your sexual orientation before, it is an illuminating exercise to really look at why you are the way you are—even

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An aromantic person is someone who feels very little or no romantic attraction to other people.

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Condoms and dental dams are not magical intimacy-blocking force fields, nor are they beacons of shame and mistrust.

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Make time to have straightforward conversations about what will happen if you, one of your partners, or one of your partner’s partners gets pregnant unexpectedly.

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best to bring it up to a new partner before sex is on the table at all.

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Brad was pro-hierarchy—Polyamory means dedication to a primary partner. Everyone else comes second. All decisions have to be made with the commitment to the primary relationship in mind.

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Jase, still smarting from feeling disempowered, was strictly egalitarian—Polyamory means not letting any one person dictate what happens in other relationships. All partners get equal agency.

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In the midst of listening to what each of my partners wanted and trying to keep all the plates spinning, I had completely lost sight of what it was I wanted. In the interest of maintaining the peace, I had forgotten that my desires existed. The forgetting was so complete that I could no longer remember what my needs, wants, and expectations had even been to begin with.

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I wrote the Constitution of Dedeker Winston primarily to discover what I valued.

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The whole thing ended up being several pages long, and since I included an appropriate clause on allowing for amendments, it has undergone some revisions.

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That power to create is what has always excited me about polyamory.

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I went through a lot of trial and error before realizing that I had the power to create relationships that served me, my life, and my partners.

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if the definition of marriage could be changed to remove the limitation of only being between a man and a woman, could it also be changed to remove the limitation of only being between two people?

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defining, understanding, and legitimizing relationships that include more than two participants may become a public conversation in the future.

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Vee A vee relationship looks exactly the way it sounds—like the letter V. One person in the “pivot” or “hinge” position is involved with two partners who are not romantically or sexually involved with each other. These two noninvolved metamours may be very close friends, or they may just be polite acquaintances. Some polyamorists are involved in more than just two dyad relationships that are not emotionally or sexually connected, expanding the V shape into more of a multi-pointed star or asterisk. Some people refer to this as their intimate network, or their polycule, or their web.

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The term “relationship anarchy” was first coined by queer feminist writer Andie Nordgren in a pamphlet she published in Sweden in 2006.2 Because the movement is so new, people openly identifying as relationship anarchists are still relatively rare.

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Relationship anarchy holds that all interpersonal relationships are important, not just those that are romantic. A relationship anarchist might engage in polyamory and have multiple, concurrent loving relationships, but may also avoid making special distinctions between relationships that are romantic, sexual, platonic, or familial.

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allows all relationships to self-govern, without external restrictions or expectations on what that relationship should be like.

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Relationship anarchists argue to the contrary, stating that love is abundant, and an individual should craft their commitments to fit each unique relationship. A strong foundation of self-awareness of one’s relationship values is highly encouraged.

Out of all the types of relationships, relationship anarchist is the one that most speaks to my values and also my desires personally.

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It is important to distinguish that hierarchy that arises in a manner that is prescribed, preset, or established is subtly different from a hierarchy that arises in a manner that is descriptive, organic, and flexible.

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An organic, or descriptive, hierarchy organizes relationships based on the nature and circumstances of each relationship.

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Hierarchal polyamory is a subject of controversy in the non-monogamous community, for reasons discussed later on in chapter 8.

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Hierarchy almost always comes into play if one relationship has a significantly longer history than others. This particular situation is faced by monogamous couples who are looking to transition into non-monogamy by opening up their relationship.

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Changing the agreements and structure of your relationship is going to be both exciting and challenging, especially if you’ve been monogamous with your partner for a long time.

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What you and your partner do need is a strong sense of self-efficacy. It might be helpful to review chapter 4 and take note of which attitudes and practices are present in yourself and in your partner and which ones might need a little work.

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A rule is imposed by one person upon another person, or by one relationship upon another relationship.

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A boundary is a limit or restriction that you place upon yourself.

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If a person or situation crosses one of your boundaries, it is your responsibility to enforce the consequences upon yourself and no one else.

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Everyone has physical, emotional, and mental boundaries. However, not everyone is consistent in enforcing their own boundaries or in respecting the boundaries of others.

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Boundaries are crucial to keep yourself safe and to maintain the integrity of your values.

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1. Determine what behavior from others runs counter to your values.

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2. Set a boundary that addresses that behavior.

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3. Determine how your boundaries will be enforced.

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agreements can bend and shift with circumstances, with personal growth, and in response to mistakes. Rules, like the oak, get broken in the face of resistance.

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A good relationship agreement takes into account the needs and humanity of every partner.

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Holding the space for flexibility and negotiation gives breath and vitality to each of your relationships.

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I agree to maintain complete transparency of information and total honesty in communication within the realm of respecting the privacy of each of my partners.

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Create your relationship agreements from a place of trusting that your partners love you and have your happiness in mind, rather than the fear that your partners are going to hurt you.

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Take the time to write out a list of boundaries, a collection of guidelines, or a manifesto for yourself before creating something similar with one or multiple partners. Figuring out where you stand and what you expect of yourself will produce something much more detailed and comprehensive. After all, you know (or are getting to learn) all of your strengths, weaknesses, and insecurities. All of your ins and outs. When it’s time to come to the table with one of your partners in establishing agreements for your relationship, that comprehensive self-knowledge will allow you to do something that may seem counterintuitive at this point: simplify.

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Once you’ve compiled something representative of your values and agreements, whether they are your personal guidelines or created with your partners, try to find the common thread. See if you can discover a single guiding principle that would sum it all up. Can you write that principle in one sentence? In one word?

This is another way to identify values that can be considered for pA. it's a kind of "back-calculation"

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Finding the fundamental essence of your agreements doesn’t mean you have to scrap all the specifics, but it allows you to cut to the heart of what is most important to you and to your partners. It’s unlikely you’ll be able to come up with agreements for all contingencies. Situations that you completely did not expect can and will happen. Having your single motto can act as a solid baseline when circumstances throw you for a loop. A few of my favorites that I’ve seen:

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Honesty over harmony.

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No surprises.

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Treat others better than you want to be treated.

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Trust over fear.

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Write a list of the things you definitely want from your relationships and what you definitely don’t want.

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Let your vulnerable, emotional self take the wheel for a little while.

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what kind of person you would have to be in order to deserve your ideal love life.

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Human needs are infinite, and our capacity to be fulfilled is infinite.

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Having personal agency is traditionally defined as having a sense of control over one’s life and actions. But it’s important to avoid confusing a person who seeks agency with a person who seeks to control or dominate.

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The polyamorous are also particularly adept at maintaining agency when a relationship is not working:

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While this usually warrants a breakup or divorce in monogamous circles, polyamory allows for flexibility.

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It’s an appealing option if circumstances are no longer making it easy to conduct a relationship, though it does require careful negotiation:

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people in poly relationships can attest that NRE is a double-edged sword. While it feels fantastic, it can also make it easy to neglect existing relationships.

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Know that you’re riding a chemical cocktail, and enjoy it as much as possible, but don’t make any major life decisions.

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it is possible to experience both jealousy and compersion at the same time.

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If nothing changed about my partner from here on out, would I still want to be in the relationship?

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Non-monogamy forces you to be brutally honest when you are facing the end of a relationship.

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However, cutting straight to the heart of the problem grants an opportunity to examine if, rather than end the relationship, it’s better to transition the relationship to something that better serves the people and circumstances involved.

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As relationships evolve, it is never taking a step backward. Instead, it’s just another step on the path to organically finding a relationship that is in the best possible shape for the people involved in it.

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“concession creep”—when you concede to a partner’s unreasonable demands or needs little by little, until you’ve found yourself without a leg to stand on.

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Gas-lighting got its name from the 1938 play Gas Light by Patrick Hamilton, wherein a husband mentally manipulates his wife into thinking that she is insane, including lowering the gas-lighting of the house but insisting that she is imagining any change in the lighting.

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An emotionally abusive individual will get the victim to question his perception and feelings by controlling the narrative of what is actually going on in the relationship. Poly relationships are particularly prone to this because there is usually a lot of discussion about feelings.

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Even though your partner may totally disagree with your perception of an event, she should be able to acknowledge that viewpoints alternate to her own are possible.

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Instead of seeking a triangular relationship, where each leg of the triangle has a voice, most unicorn hunters are seeking a T-shaped relationship. The primary couple establish themselves as the most important relationship, and from the get-go it’s “us” vs. “you.” It is “our” girlfriend.

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If you can envision yourself going on a first date with your third alone, or envision your partner going on a first date with your third alone, then you are likely off to a good start.

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A heterosexual couple decides to open up their relationship.

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These gender dynamics seem to plague newly non-monogamous heterosexual couples in particular, but the fear of an unfair or unequal relationship dynamic can affect anyone.

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some people turn to rules to solve the problem: we agree to only seek out one-night stands, no getting the heart involved. Or we agree to only pursue romantic relationships, no casual sex whatsoever.

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Forcing equilibrium to happen in a relationship is disastrous, and yet the actual experience of equilibrium can be invaluable.

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Often, the best way to understand your partner’s experience is to step into their shoes and try on that experience for yourself.

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Seek an organic equilibrium based on mutual understanding and trust, rather than on needing external circumstances to look equal at all times.

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Mono/Poly

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The mono/poly hybrid relationship is a unique beast.

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this is an arrangement particularly prone to conflict. In practice, relationships between a monogamist and a polyamorist end up with one partner having to accept a disproportionate level of compromise.

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the couple may choose to practice one-sided polyamory, but this dynamic may not produce healthy results either. The mono partner may be holding out hope that this poly “phase” will eventually pass. The poly partner may worry about causing harm or sparking jealousy in her mono partner, which impels her to restrain herself in communication and in seeking new partners.

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It is difficult to find a compromise between two vastly different relationship approaches that will not leave one or both sides feeling resentful.

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What many people entering incompatible relationships fail to realize is that love is powerful, amazing, and life-changing, but at the end of the day, love is not enough.

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That being said, there is a sprinkling of mono/poly success stories.

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Effective mono/poly relationships require both partners to strive for near-unconditional love for each other, which is difficult for any human being.

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There has to be a baseline of full acceptance; each partner must be willing to accept each other exactly as they are, without any hidden desires to change the other person.

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And both have to be willing to endure considerable growing pains as each person tries on individual compromises.

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It is possible to have a mono/poly relationship, but bear in mind that it requires willingness on both sides to endure lengthy negotiation, processing, and discomfort.

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Driven by panic and insecurity, I fought to become priority number one. I asked Brad to spend holidays with me months in advance, fearing that if I didn’t secure the date, he would give it to someone else. I made myself as available as possible, shifting my schedule and canceling any engagement that conflicted with the times that he told me he was free to spend time with me. I was tender and saintly as he told me about fights he had with his other partner about scheduling conflicts and her jealousy issues. I prided myself on being “the good child”—never making any complaints even when I was upset, never pushing my jealousy on him even when I was seething with it, never contradicting him even when I disagreed. When Brad and I finally established each other as primary partners, I breathed a sigh of relief. Finally, security! At last, I could relax and not give a hoot what he did in his other relationships, because I was number one.

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The problem was that security and relaxation never really arrived. Now that I had made it to the top of the mountain, I had to defend my position as king of the hill.

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my thinking about relationship importance shifted from primary/secondary to focusing on priority, flexibility, and fluidity.

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Unless you are a staunch relationship anarchist, it’s unlikely that you’ll ever be able to keep all of your relationships truly equal, even if you are actively trying to avoid a strict hierarchy. Life circumstances, changes caused by personal growth, and the unpredictability of human emotions will cause your relationships to shift in importance and intensity, regardless of your best efforts to keep everyone in a particular place in your heart.

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In order to love, our hearts need softness, flexibility, and careful handling (and the occasional padded room). They require a fluidity of feelings, emotions, and relationships that mimics the constant inflow and outflow of your blood. The boundaries you place on your own heart need the gentle yet clear stance of a line drawn in the sand, not the outright aggression of a barricaded fortress.

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if human hearts are on the line, you must find the guiding lights of flexibility, fluidity, and above all, compassion.

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What are ways that you can make someone feel special outside of imposing these relationship formats? How do you reassure someone of their importance outside of granting them primary status?

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Non-monogamous and polyamorous folk may find it relatively easy to “pass” as normal, everyday, monogamous people.

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There are many valid reasons to choose to “pass” as something else rather than coming out of the closet. You may be in a situation where coming out is not worth the risks, or could be physically dangerous to you or those you love.

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if there are no immediate threats to your welfare and safety, I urge you to come out and share with the world the joy, love, and fulfillment that you’ve discovered.

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someone of an alternative sexuality may never be able to talk about her lifestyle, her partners, or her gender identity, without it being associated with deviancy and abnormality by others.

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Others may even see it as unethical, flagrant, or completely inappropriate. If you work with children, the reactions will be even more scandalized.

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for many people, being open about polyamory or non-monogamy would be a direct threat to their career.

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Long-term relationships inevitably develop their own strengths, weaknesses, neuroses, and lots and lots of history. Your parents and siblings know exactly how to push your buttons for good or ill; not only because they’ve had years of study, but because they were the ones to install them in the first place.

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For some of us, the approval of our parents is a priceless treasure sought from early childhood, and receiving their disapproval feels like the most crushing of failures.

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recognize that it’s likely to come from a place of love, though it may not feel like it in the moment. These are the people who care for your well-being, who may feel protective of you, and who want you to be happy and successful.

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Only 4 percent of the American population openly reports being involved in some form of non-monogamous relationship.1 Many people choose to stay closeted, so let’s be generous and project that as much as 10 percent of the population is currently in or seeking polyamorous or non-monogamous relationships.

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you’re likely to field a lot of rejection while seeking out partners. You’ll be passed over on dating sites, and you may even receive insulting messages.

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You will encounter people you’re attracted to, who are kind and funny and compliment you and make you feel good about yourself, but who you will have to say no to because they want something very different from what you are offering.

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Conversations about nontraditional relationships will likely give rise to in-depth explanations of your philosophy, your feelings, your religious and political leanings, your worldview, and the nature of love itself.

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If you are with people who are genuinely curious, these conversations can be stimulating, informative, and revealing.

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When you open up about the details of your romantic life, you’ll be surprised how many people will open up to you in turn.

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If you are with people who are scandalized, offended, or otherwise have their hackles up, these conversations may be more of a defensive debate.

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Sadly, there is already a history of judges revoking child custody because the polyamorous lifestyle of the parents was deemed unsuitable and dangerous. For this reason, most polyamorous people who have children choose to remain in the closet.

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Not everyone is as fortunate as Gracie was. Despite the growing body of evidence that being raised in a polyamorous household is not detrimental to children, many courts will easily revoke the custody of parents who are involved in any romantic or sexual behavior perceived to be deviant.

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offers a refreshing chance to live a more authentic life.

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newfound sense of freedom.

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it will be a shining beacon to those who think and feel the same way that you do.

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It’s the first step to having a support network of people who can share your pain, offer a listening ear, or give much-needed advice. Such a support system is priceless, and you can learn more about that in chapter 10.

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Once you are free from having to hide, omit, protect, or withdraw, your partners get to enjoy you at your fullest, with no reservations.

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include the people that you interact with on a personal level on a daily basis—certain

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it is important to account for the effort that may be necessary to maintain a relationship with someone who reacts negatively to your romantic life.

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there has not been an adequate amount of research to determine if there is such a thing as a “polyamory gene.”

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some people describe discovering polyamory like a homecoming—finding the validation and acceptance for thoughts and feelings that began in very early childhood.

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Other people feel more like a “switch”—no strong leanings to be either monogamous or non-monogamous, but content with whatever format their relationship is taking at that exact moment.

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Read polyamory blogs, forum posts, and books like this one. Know your facts about sexual health.

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expose yourself to a variety of opinions and interpretations to fill in the gaps.

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If the person you’re talking to has a negative or emotionally intense reaction, it is imperative that you maintain your inner calm. Give this person their space to react and to process, but do not escalate the situation by matching their emotional level. Avoid raising your voice, making physical displays of agitation, or letting the conversation stray from the realm of discussion and into the gladiatorial arena.

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People may argue the fine points and logistics of your lifestyle. They may tell you that you are sinful, dirty, crazy, confused, sick, or just plain wrong. They may insult you or your partners. But at the end of the day, no one can argue with your happiness.

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Some people come to the realization that they are polyamorous while in the middle of a monogamous relationship. It’s exciting to find a relationship philosophy that resonates with you, but terrifying to face the prospect of having that conversation with your monogamous partner. Here are a few tips to keep in mind:

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After several years of running in this circle, I’ve come to learn that the alternative attracts people from all walks of life.

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Human beings started out in tribes. It was the first social structure we ever knew! In early human history, you were likely to have grown up in a group of anywhere from thirty to 150 people. Many of these people would have known you since you were born and would have helped feed you and care for you when you were sick. In turn, you would be present for the birth and growth of every new member of the tribe, witnessing their good moments and bad. Unless you encountered another tribe, you would spend most of your days without running into anyone you could call a stranger. You ate, slept, hunted, and mated with people that you already knew.

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After millennia of cultural shift, blending, and upheaval, the Agrarian and Industrial revolutions, and the effects of wars, politics, and technological developments, our daily social lives have taken on an entirely different shape. The nuclear family unit is paramount, semi-penetrable from the outside only by those who legally marry into it.

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We are more likely to spend our days surrounded by strangers, or at best acquaintances, punctuated by interactions with just a few people intimately close to us. It is a confusing experience, disquieting to our deeply buried human instincts—to be surrounded by other humans, yet still capable of feeling alienated and profoundly alone.

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most of us are more likely to seek intimate relationships and friendships rather than become solitary hermits. We are still trying to get back to that campfire.

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the people who make up your inner circle, your community, your tribe are the people who sustain you, support you, love you, and bring you more fully into the experience of being human.

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The more cohesion and peace present in your tribe, the more happiness for everyone in it.

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the concept of family extends beyond genetic ties. Your tribe, your pod, your group, your support network, your polycule is your chosen family.

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Most people you would meet out on the street are expecting that any serious connection will naturally lead to monogamy,

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Online dating is far from perfect, but it expedites the process of filtering good or bad matches by allowing for total transparency up front.

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helpful to connect to a local polyamory meet-up group to find dating partners who are already experienced in non-monogamy.

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there are three important things to bring to your dating practice: transparency, authenticity, and flexibility.

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because you’re at the mercy of any number of preconceived notions about polyamory or non-monogamy, give details about what your relationship choice means to you. Talk about what you’re looking for, how many other partners you have, and how important those relationships are to you.

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the more detailed information you are able to give a potential dating partner, the better she will be able to give or withhold her consent to entering a dating relationship with you. The key here is that she will be able to give informed consent—she knows what to expect from you, what the shape of your life is, and with an understanding of all the factors in play, she can give a solid “yes” or “no.”

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Transparency up front may be uncomfortable, but it saves you from a world of pain down the line.

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The more transparency you have, the more authentic you become. Authenticity comes from your outward presentation coming into congruent alignment with your inner self.

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When you are operating authentically, you can dive into the great joy of being loved holistically.

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Be warned: this is a lifelong pursuit. As nice as authenticity sounds, it is freaking hard

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The eternal challenge is to acknowledge the fear of being authentic and choose to be authentic anyway.

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The process of finding partners is always going to have some disappointments, and the only way to make it through without banging your head against the wall is to have flexibility.

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If you create a rigidly defined box that potential partners have to perfectly fit into, it’s likely you will be disappointed by all the people that don’t fit.

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Non-monogamy allows you to relax the box mentality. You aren’t looking for the one perfect person who will fit you today, tomorrow, and fifty years from now, which means you get the great opportunity to expand the limits of what you look for in a romantic partner.

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Head into your date without expectations, positive or negative, and allow yourself to enjoy connecting with another being, sharing a conversation and a brief moment in time, and then continuing on your own way, open to however the future between you may unfold.

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Playing games, dropping hints, and tiptoeing around what you actually want may put you in a less vulnerable position, but it also increases the chances that the object of your affections will be confused, frustrated, or oblivious to what you want.

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In reality, the cowboy has an agenda, though he himself may not be consciously aware of it. He’ll assume that you’re just taking your time to play the field, to explore your options, to enjoy being single for a while before settling down. He’ll feel confident that once your relationship with him gets to the right level of emotional intimacy, you’ll be ready to forgo all other lovers and enter a monogamous relationship with him. The worst part is that cowboys are rarely up-front about these assumptions.

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You say “I’m polyamorous” and the cowgirl hears “I’m dating around.” You say “I have multiple romantic partners” and the cowgirl hears “I’ll be ready for an exclusive relationship later down the road.”

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How to avoid cowboys and cowgirls? Most of it is transparency. If you avoid obscuring the details of your relationships and what you’re seeking, it automatically filters out most people who would be seeking the exact opposite.

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Some polyamorists drag out relationships with the die-hard monogamous under the same delusional thinking. I know this because I tried to pull this stunt in several relationships in my early days of poly. I could see so many red flags that it wasn’t going to work out, that we wanted different things, and could even be told point-blank by my new partner that he wanted to be monogamous. Still, I would think, “He’s just unenlightened. Once he sees what an awesome partner I am, and how great polyamory is, he’ll be hooked and everything will go swimmingly!”

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Poly-prenticing

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However many partners you choose to have, it’s important to maintain a sense of when you might be polysaturated—the point where it may be difficult to add more relationships without compromising the time, energy, and effort given to others.

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Cross-pollination within your inner circle of partners and friends is neither to be categorically avoided nor forced.

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I encourage any client of mine who is brand-new to polyamory to find a meet-up group in their area as soon as possible, but not for the purpose of finding someone to date right away. Many polyamory mixers involve discussion groups or book clubs, where you’ll have a chance to ask any questions you may have and share your concerns, or even your excitement and successes. Most importantly, being around other normal poly folk gives you a chance to see just that: normal poly folk, of all ages, shapes, classes, races, and creeds. There will usually be a healthy mix of old hats and total newbies. If your only experience of non-monogamy has been from reading books or browsing online forums, connecting to others face-to-face humanizes the experience. You can find poly meet-up groups in nearly every major city with some quick searching on the Internet and social media.

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Your support network may also include poly- and kink-friendly professionals such as therapists, counselors, coaches, and others.

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When You’re the Partner in Common

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It’s best to avoid being the broker as much as possible. Brokering sets you up as the intermediary between your partners. Although at the very beginning you are the only link between these two (or more) individuals, it’s best to encourage your metamours to create connections between themselves independently.

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If one of your partners takes issue with another, encourage him to confront your other partner directly.

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Everyone needs to feel like they are on the same team. In order for any polyamorous relationship to work, your partners cannot see each other as rivals.

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Cohabiting

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If you are considering moving in with one or multiple romantic partners, here are a few things to keep in mind.

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For much more specific information and guidance on the logistics of polyamorous cohabitation, check out The Polyamorous Home by Jessica Burde.

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Whether you subscribe to established relationship hierarchy or not, cohabiting will establish a sort of logistical hierarchy into your love life.

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It’s important to maintain some separation in your relationship in order to sustain attraction. If you and your living partner are free to seek your own interests, pursuits, and relationships, it injects the breathing space necessary to keep things from getting dull. If you are still creating a life independent from your partner, you are still growing, changing, learning, and being an interesting human being for your partner to continue to discover!

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Many people report that having sex with a variety of partners actually contributes to their sex drive and sexual exploration within each relationship.

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Kids in Poly Families

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In her book The Polyamorists Next Door, Dr. Elisabeth Sheff compiled fifteen years’ worth of research on polyamorous family structures and the benefits and disadvantages of raising children within a poly household.

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Sheff found that children raised by not only their parents, but their parents’ partners as well, enjoyed having the attention and care of multiple adults and felt confident and safe in their family’s love.

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The biggest drawbacks that Sheff found were the difficulties the families encountered in combating stigma, sometimes directed at children far too young to handle a conversation with someone criticizing their parents’ relationship choices.1

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The most successful poly families with kids have a strong foundation of open, honest communication about relationships and sexuality.

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The better I know myself, the clearer and more effective I can be as a parent.

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This night stands out to me because of the way it made me feel. I felt happy within my small tribe—I was safe and cared for, surrounded by people who knew me and who were all on the same team. It felt so far removed from the world of managing jealousy, of negotiating boundaries and agreements and rules, of quelling feelings of insecurity or competitiveness. It just felt natural, comfortable, peaceful.

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regardless of the ebb and flow, I still aspire to this standard in my romantic life. I still aim for that sense of family, of community, of tribe. People and relationships shift and change, but that sense of cohesion and safety is precious and lasting.

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Exercise #1 If you were to build your tribe from scratch, who would it include? Make a list of at least five ideal people you would want in your community. This may include romantic partners, close friends, your partner’s partners, or mentors. These people may already be in your life, or they may have yet to enter your life. If the latter, brainstorm where you might meet these people.

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Culture is indeed changing, but what both the alarmists and the hopeful optimists fail to realize is that it has always been changing. That’s the nature of existence. Whether said change is good or bad is relative.

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It is impossible to give full coverage to every issue relating to relationship, gender, and sexuality, but here is a brief snapshot of what’s going on in the world at the time of this writing:

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The communities mentioned face unique challenges that are distinct from those faced by the polyamorous community. However, what’s held in common is the entanglement of personal freedoms with government regulation, the clash of traditional ideals with progressive thinking, the struggle to protect the wholesome normal folk from all the deviant weirdos. It goes beyond the fear of someone who looks, talks, acts, and lives differently from the norm. The long-standing rhetoric has been that traditional family values are under attack from all sides: by the so-called gay agenda, by the feminist movement, by transgender individuals, and now by the non-monogamous.

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For hundreds of years, the Puritan undercurrent in American culture has taken major issue with pleasure. There’s a collective neurosis surrounding pleasure, and it is fundamentally believed that pleasure cannot be had for pleasure’s sake.

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To indulge in pleasure for its own sake, especially sexual pleasure, is still a basis for condemnation and judgment.

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From the outside, having multiple partners appears shamelessly indulgent, and polyamorists in particular are often criticized as being selfish.

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Dr. Elisabeth Sheff coined the phrase “fear of the polyamorous possibility.” Once a person becomes aware of the possibility of openly maintaining romantic and sexual relationships with multiple partners, there’s a potential for extreme reactions of disdain, disgust, and fear.

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Like much homophobic rhetoric, there is an inherent fear that there is some force of licentious deviancy that is trying to convert and corrupt the virtuous.

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Sheff argues that this fear is so common because nearly everyone can relate to some part of non-monogamy,4 either through experiencing or acting on a desire for someone who is not their current partner, or being aware and fearful that their partner might feel that same desire for someone else. To be presented not only with the possibility of non-monogamy, but also the idea that it could be a viable, healthy option, is challenging to many people. To some, the polyamorous possibility represents chaos, a loss of control, and the threat of losing a partner to someone else.

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see an implicit attack on traditional marriage, monogamy, and the nuclear family unit.

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The current “tradition” of family may look fairly cookie cutter: mommy, daddy, and two-point-five kids. Family is so much more expansive than this. Like the chosen family or the tribe mentioned in chapter 10, the expansive family is a fundamental truth of our human nature. This is the family that cannot come under attack from anything, because it can be found regardless of circumstances, location, or legislation. This is the family that we choose individually, populating it with people who enrich our lives and hold us up through the difficulties of existence. To choose this family or tribe, whether it be through marriage, adoption, cohabiting, or everyday association, is our birthright as human beings.

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Critics claim that these movements seek to destroy tradition and the conventional family, but it may be more accurate to say that these movements seek to widen the spectrum of acceptance.

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Widening the range of acceptance and understanding also widens the possibility for happiness and peace on a societal level.

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Numerous news outlets ran op-eds assuring that gay marriage would not lead to multi-partner marriage, because there’s no way that kind of relationship could ever work in the first place.

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There has yet to be a strong call to advocate for marriage rights for the non-monogamous.

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Most people who are willing to step outside the boundaries of traditional relationship rules have also abandoned any conviction about the institution of marriage, yet the lack of formal recognition has allowed job and housing discrimination, child custody battles, and long-standing relationships barred from partaking of the benefits currently granted to married couples.

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others in the community would rather advocate for shifting our cultural view away from seeing marriage itself as the all-important foundation of family and society. For this, we would need to focus on increasing the rights of those who are not interested or able to enter into a standard marriage contract. This would involve allowing single people to receive benefits normally reserved only for married couples, such as tax breaks and reductions in health insurance costs and university tuition. It’s also necessary to consider the rights of people who wish to raise children without entering a dyadic marriage to do so.

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With a lack of formal protection or recognition, some poly folk have turned to the infrastructure of business partnerships. The business world has many more options for handling contracts and supporting entities composed of multiple people, such as LLCs and Subchapter-S corporations. In the future, marriage contracts may be able to become similarly manifold in order to support a wide variety of relationship formats.

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Legal recognition of multi-partner relationships may come not in the form of marriage rights, but parenting rights. Poly researcher Dr. Elisabeth Sheff suggests that it may be necessary for society to shift its perspectives on family from being based in marriage to being based on children and parenting.5 Not all poly folk seek to raise children, but for those that do, advocating for shared parenting rights may be the fastest road to recognition and protection. At the time of this writing, California is the only state that has changed legislative standards to allow a child to have more than two legally recognized parents.6

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even in healthy non-monogamous, heterosexual relationships, does the sexual autonomy of the man inherently mean the woman is still suffering under the thumb of the patriarchy? As much as she claims to have actively chosen polyamory, is she really, deep down, just doing it to please her man? (Note: non-monogamous gay and lesbian relationships do not seem to trigger the same outcries from doubting feminists.)

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Feminists in support of non-monogamy point to the ideally equal-opportunity nature of effective non-monogamous relationships.

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For this to work, not only does the woman herself need to feel empowered enough to feel free and happy to fulfill her various sexual and romantic desires, but her partners must have abandoned archaic beliefs about controlling female sexuality that are still firmly embedded in our social psyche at large.

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Statistically, more women than men request open relationships,7 and the majority of books published on polyamory and non-monogamy have been written by women. Slightly more men than women identify as polyamorous,8 meaning that heterosexual poly women have access to a greater variety of options when selecting male partners, quite contrary to the maligned imagery of harems and sister-wives.

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It is the unspoken expectation that a woman’s goal is to out-pretty every other woman around.

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But in an arena where no one can claim total ownership over their partner, it’s difficult to justify a default of suspicion and rivalry toward other women.

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Does this all add up to mean that polyamory is inherently feminist?

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there are a growing number of excellent role models for the poly community that are raising their voices, creating content, and leading the campaign for freedom of relationship choice. However, there is an unfortunate side effect of having to constantly present the best face of non-monogamy. In an ongoing push for polyamory to be seen as valid and normal, it is difficult to publicly acknowledge darker topics.

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In poly relationships involving multiple people, it is more difficult to hide physical abuse or get others connected to the relationship to allow it to perpetuate.

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Because polyamorous relationships often require people to enter the intensely vulnerable process of negotiating for their needs, there is fertile ground for fear-motivated emotional manipulation, guilt, and power games.

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It’s theorized that more men than women come to polyamory because it implies an opportunity to freely have sex with several women with little effort and no consequences. Polyamory activist and blogger Pepper Mint named this the “Valley of the Dolls” fantasy.

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Most adults can distinguish between fantasy and reality, but something strange happens when an individual who has been consistently exposed to this fantasy is introduced to polyamory. On the surface, it resembles some of the key elements of the Valley of the Dolls fantasy: this is a community where you’re likely to encounter sexually liberated women who are supportive of a person having multiple sex partners. This alone is enough for many people, and predators, to say, “Sign me up!”

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Many a poly woman has consistently complained that certain men, upon learning that she is non-monogamous, automatically interpret it to mean that she is happy to fuck whoever crosses her path, including him.

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He will use a person’s sex-positive nature to justify exploitative behavior, such as being pushy, aggressive, demanding, manipulative, or violating boundaries and consent.

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Keep in mind that these assumptions and behaviors may not be conscious. The predator may regularly be confident, charming, and generally likable, with little awareness of his own predatory energy.

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within more sexually liberated circles, it is difficult to raise complaints about predatory behavior within a wider context

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If your poly community can come together to confront someone’s predatory behavior with an approach of compassion and healing, then all power to you. If not, the responsibility may fall on you to confront a person on their predatory behavior when you witness it, again with the aim of guidance. Remember that this person may not even have an awareness of the mistakes they are making. However, if the predator in question continues the behavior, even after confrontation and discussion, it may be time to cut ties.

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the media flocks to cover the sensational and scandalous topic of non-monogamy in the safest and least offensive way possible. Journalists usually seek out white, heterosexual couples in an open relationship for interview subjects.

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In other words, the media seeks to represent polyamory in a way that looks as close to monogamy as possible: couple-oriented and nonthreatening to men.

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Those who are living with mental illness are vulnerable to having their unconventional relationships blamed on their condition, or being warned that their relationships may exacerbate their condition. Survivors of abuse invite the blame to be placed on them for engaging in a “deviant” relationship in the first place.

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The majority of the most prolific and publicly acknowledged writers within the poly community live up to the privileged image most often represented in the media: white, educated, and financially stable. There is a crucial need for the poly community to create a supportive and normalized space for a diverse range of voices and experiences.

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How do you see yourself fitting into the future of the polyamory movement?

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patience is the willingness to keep planting seeds, even if you don’t know the hour when they will sprout.

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The pursuit of healthy relationships requires the same patience. This patience enables you to go within and confront your inner demons of insecurity, even though it’s upsetting.

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Your patience frees you to let yourself get dirty, trusting that the results will manifest and unfold over time in healthy, balanced, fun, joyful, and deeply fulfilling relationships.

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There are limitless, mysterious depths not only in love, but the myriad forms that relationships can take, the many facets of your partners, and the vast, shifting expanses within yourself. It may be impossible to get to the bottom of the depths within your own heart.

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If there is anything you take away from this book, let it be this: keep planting those seeds, and keep exploring your inner depths over and over, with every new relationship and with every life milestone, with every moment spent quietly with one’s thoughts. Continue a dogged pursuit of abandoning hand-me-down cultural assumptions and never cease to revisit the question, “What is love to me? What am I going to do about it?” The answer may always be a moving target, shifting and swaying and making sudden left turns as you shift and sway and make sudden left turns in your existence as a perpetually changing human being. The people in your life may not be able to hand you the answer, but love them from the depths of your soul, because each one gets you closer to it.

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But the polyamory movement is not about revolution. It’s not about taking down the man, shaming the monogamous, disparaging vanilla sex, or vilifying traditional family life. Instead, this is about evolution. Revolution is replacement, while evolution is expansion, transformation, and adaptation—going beyond. Evolution is universal and coexistent; all species gradually and uniquely adapt to meet the challenges of their individual environments.

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So it is with the blossoming awareness and acceptance of polyamory and non-monogamy. As a collection of human beings in different environments, with different needs, we are learning to adapt. We are shifting and adjusting to a world where every person can freely meet their romantic and sexual needs in a sustainable way, and that way may look different from person to person.

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We are building our acceptance for a variety of relationship formats, and creating a standard that allows for coexistence. I can get my needs met and find peace without needing to restrict someone else’s ability to seek the same.

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The Polyamorists Next Door: Inside Multiple-Partner Relationships and Families, Dr. Elisabeth Sheff (Rowman & Littlefield Publishers, 2013). After over a decade of research, Sheff presents her findings on the benefits and challenges faced by children raised in polyamorous households.

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The Polyamorous Home, Jess Mahler (Self Published, 2016). A thorough guide to maintaining poly-friendly living arrangements for a variety of relationship formats.

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Wide Open: My Adventures in Polyamory, Open Marriage, and Loving on My Own Terms, Gracie X (New Harbinger Publications, 2015). An intimate account of the author’s experiences opening her marriage and raising children with multiple partners in a polyamorous household.

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Stories From the Polycule: Real Life in Polyamorous Families, Ed. Dr. Elisabeth Sheff (Thorntree Press, 2015). An anthology of personal stories told by people in polyamorous families.

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Poly in the News, polyinthemedia.blogspot.com. A regular roundup of media coverage on polyamory.

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Polyamory on Purpose, polyamoryonpurpose.com. A collection of practical advice for people in polyamorous relationships, with several articles on polyamory and mental illness and polyamory and pregnancy.

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Loving More, lovemore.com. Originally one of the first print publications on polyamory; has now grown into an official nonprofit organization that holds regular events.

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The Center for Nonviolent Communication, cnvc.org. Many free resources on nonviolent communication, as well as information on workshops and practice groups.

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OkCupid, okcupid.com. This free dating network is currently the best option for those seeking polyamorous partners or alternative relationships, as it offers the widest range of profile filters for relationship orientation, sexuality, and gender identity.

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OpenMinded, openminded.com. A site specifically marketed toward people looking for non-monogamous partners, though their approach is more couple-oriented.

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Fetlife, fetlife.com. A massive online social network for people interested in kink.

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polyfidelity—a closed relationship of more than two people who have agreed not to date or sleep with anyone outside of the polyfidelitous group

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polysaturated—used to describe a polyamorous person who is not currently seeking new partners due to having their time and energy already occupied by other partners

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vee—a relationship connection between three people, forming the shape of a V. One person in the “pivot” or “hinge” position is involved with two partners who are not romantically or sexually involved with each other.

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