Book Note Template
azichettello
Thursday, Aug. 25 2022, 06:32:40 AM
Edited: Wednesday, Feb. 07 2024, 05:25:44 AM
TemplateBook
Book Title/Author/Info
Title :Author :About :[add any relevant links about the book or where to get the book such as Amazon, book website, etc.]
Purpose
Specify the reason this book was read or the reason for starting to read this book. What goals were there? What was desired to get out of the experience of reading it?
Records
Began:
[enter the date the book was started] Finished:
[enter the date the book was finished, leave blank if not finished] Other notes:
[enter other details such as whether it was restarted, skimmed, etc.]
Notes
Add the book notes here. You may break them down using headings for sections/chapters, etc.
Key Takeaways
Summarize any key takeaways here. You may link to notes above.
Actions
List any potential actions you’d like to take that were inspired by reading this book.
Book Title/Author/Info
https://philippevandenbroeck.medium.com/donella-meadows-thinking-in-systems-2008-67fc6fbecf10
Purpose
To gain a greater familiarity with systems thinking so I can recognize issues, opportunities, and potential traps in my work and in my life
Records
Began: 1/31/2024
Finished: 4/19/2024
Other notes: Reading on Kindle
Goal: Read/Listen to High-Impact Books (Alex) @ Recommended strongly by David Hutton (Honda)
References
https://philippevandenbroeck.medium.com/donella-meadows-thinking-in-systems-2008-67fc6fbecf10
https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/3873538-thinking-in-systems-a-primer
https://donellameadows.org/systems-thinking-book-sale/#
https://donellameadows.org/archives/leverage-points-places-to-intervene-in-a-system/
PLACES TO INTERVENE IN A SYSTEM
(in increasing order of effectiveness)
12. Constants, parameters, numbers (such as subsidies, taxes, standards).
11. The sizes of buffers and other stabilizing stocks, relative to their flows.
10. The structure of material stocks and flows (such as transport networks, population age structures).
9. The lengths of delays, relative to the rate of system change.
8. The strength of negative feedback loops, relative to the impacts they are trying to correct against.
7. The gain around driving positive feedback loops.
6. The structure of information flows (who does and does not have access to information).
5. The rules of the system (such as incentives, punishments, constraints).
4. The power to add, change, evolve, or self-organize system structure.
3. The goals of the system.
2. The mindset or paradigm out of which the system — its goals, structure, rules, delays, parameters — arises.
1. The power to transcend paradigms.
https://donellameadows.org/systems-thinking-resources/
Donella Meadows' book "Thinking in Systems" identifies twelve common "systems traps" that can lead otherwise well-intentioned actions to produce unintended consequences. Here's the list:
Shifting the Burden: This trap occurs when a solution to a problem creates a different problem somewhere else in the system.
Erosion of the Commons: This trap describes the overuse of a shared resource leading to its depletion.
Fixes that Backfire: In this trap, a solution attempts to directly address a symptom of a problem, but ends up making the underlying problem worse.
The Short-Term Fix: This trap prioritizes immediate solutions over long-term consequences.
Growth and Limits to Growth: This trap focuses on unlimited growth in systems with finite resources.
Tragedy of the Faithful: This trap describes a situation where everyone acting in their own best interest undermines the common good.
Increasing Complexity: This trap highlights how attempts to control a system can lead to an unintended increase in its complexity.
Break the Rules: This trap describes situations where rules are bent or ignored to achieve a desired outcome, weakening the overall system.
The Fixation on the Enemy: This trap focuses on defeating an enemy or competitor, neglecting the possibility of working towards a common goal.
Seeking the Wrong Goals: This trap describes pursuing goals that are irrelevant or even harmful to the overall system.
Drift to Low Performance: This trap describes a gradual decline in performance that becomes normalized over time.
Policy Resistance: This trap describes the resistance to change within a system, even when change is necessary.
Notes
Chapter 4: Why Systems Surprise Us
Page 86 quote:
The trouble... is that we are terrifyingly ignorant. The most learned of us are ignorant.... The acquisition of knowledge always involves the revelation of ignorance-almost is the revelation of ignorance. Our knowledge of the world instructs us first of all that the world is greater than our knowledge of it. -Wendell Berry, writer and Kentucky farmer
The simple systems in the zoo may have perplexed you with their behavior. They continue to surprise me, although I have been teaching them for years. That you and I are surprised says as much about us as it does about dynamic systems. The interactions between what I think I know about dynamic systems and my experience of the real world never fails to be humbling. They keep reminding me of three truths:
Everything we think we know about the world is a model. Every word and every language is a model. All maps and statistics, books and databases, equations and computer programs are models. So are the ways I picture the world in my head my mental models. None of these is or ever will be the real world
Our models usually have a strong congruence with the world. That is why we are such a successful species in the biosphere. Especially complex and sophisticated are the mental models we develop from direct, intimate experience of nature, people, and organizations immediately around us.
However, and conversely, our models fall far short of representing the world fully. That is why we make mistakes and why we are regularly surprised. In our heads, we can keep track of only a few variables at one time. We often draw illogical conclusions from accurate assumptions, or logical conclusions from inaccurate assumptions. Most of us, for instance, are surprised by the amount of growth an exponential process can generate. Few of us can intuit how to damp oscillations in a complex system.
In short, this book is poised on a duality. We know a tremendous amount about how the world works, but not nearly enough. Our knowledge is amazing, our ignorance even more so. We can improve our understanding, but we can't make it perfect. I believe both sides of this duality, because I have learned much from the study of systems.
Pg 87:
Everything we think we know about the world is a model. Our models do have a strong congruence with the world. Our models fall far short of representing the real world fully.
This chapter describes some of the reasons why dynamic systems are so often surprising. Alternately, it is a compilation of some of the ways our mental models fail to take into account the complications of the real world—at least those ways that one can see from a systems perspective. It is a warning list. Here is where hidden snags lie. You can't navigate well in an interconnected, feedback-dominated world unless you take your eyes off short-term events and look for long-term behavior and structure; unless you are aware of false boundaries and bounded rationality; unless you take into account limiting factors, nonlinearities and delays. You are likely to mistreat, misdesign, or misread systems if you don't respect their properties of resilience, self-organization, and hierarchy.
The bad news, or the good news, depending on your need to control the world and your willingness to be delighted by its surprises, is that even if you do understand all these system characteristics, you may be surprised less often, but you will still be surprised.
Key Takeaways
You can think about virtually anything in terms of the systems that it operates within or against:
How things work
Why problems haven’t been solved
Understand the potential effect of decisions
How to truly make positive change
etc.
There are some heuristics that help to think in regards to systems. One such is the concept of “System Traps (and opportunities)” which include:
See Thinking in System - Notes
Policy Resistance
Tragedy of the Commons
Drift to Low Performance
Escalation
Success to the Successful
Shifting the Burden to the Intervenor
Rule Beating
Seeking the Wrong Goal
Actions
I’d like to memorize the key aspects of systems so I can recognize them and consider them when I assess potential options to deal with current challenges
Thinking in Systems @ See Thinking in System - Notes
Identify examples of System Traps in my life:
Thinking in System - Notes (Relevancy in My Life)
Notable Events - 2024 @ Also don't forgot about Thinking in Systems and the concept of transcending paradigms as the most powerful leverage point
Discussed: Meeting Queue (pA: Ben/Alex) @ Add the System Traps and Leverage Points as tags in Laddice
Tasks
Highlight
Note
Location
You’ll be thinking not in terms of a static world, but a dynamic one. You’ll stop looking for who’s to blame; instead you’ll start asking, “What’s the system?” The concept of feedback opens up the idea that a system can cause its own behavior.
Related to personal psychology
695
Economies are extremely complex systems; they are full of balancing feedback loops with delays, and they are inherently oscillatory.5
Key insight about the stock market
1058
Self-organization produces heterogeneity and unpredictability. It is likely to come up with whole new structures, whole new ways of doing things. It requires freedom and experimentation, and a certain amount of disorder. These conditions that encourage self-organization often can be scary for individuals and threatening to power structures.
Key point
1348
Hierarchies are brilliant systems inventions, not only because they give a system stability and resilience, but also because they reduce the amount of information that any part of the system has to keep track of.
1414
If these differential information links within and between each level of the hierarchy are designed right, feedback delays are minimized. No level is overwhelmed with information.
1419
Everything we think we know about the world is a model. Every word and every language is a model. All maps and statistics, books and databases, equations and computer programs are models. So are the ways I picture the world in my head—my mental models. None of these is or ever will be the real world.
1470
The company may hire salespeople, for example, who are so good that they generate orders faster than the factory can produce. Delivery delays increase and customers are lost, because production capacity is the most limiting factor. So the managers expand the capital stock of production plants. New people are hired in a hurry and trained too little. Quality suffers and customers are lost because labor skill is the most limiting factor. So management invests in worker training. Quality improves, new orders pour in, and the order-fulfillment and record-keeping system clogs. And so forth.
1760
I believe we must learn to wait as we learn to create. We have to patiently sow the seeds, assiduously water the earth where they are sown and give the plants the time that is their own.
Resonates with me
1789
We live in an exaggerated present—we pay too much attention to recent experience and too little attention to the past, focusing on current events rather than long-term behavior.
Recency is not equal to relevancy
1859
Change comes first from stepping outside the limited information that can be seen from any single place in the system and getting an overview. From a wider perspective, information flows, goals, incentives, and disincentives can be restructured so that separate, bounded, rational actions do add up to results that everyone desires. It’s amazing how quickly and easily behavior changes can come, with even slight enlargement of bounded rationality, by providing better, more complete, timelier information.
Very important and connects to my interest in understanding all the parts of system
1891
THE TRAP: TRAGEDY OF THE COMMONS
Can this (and other traps) apply to IFS (internal family systems)?
2119
the intervenor may not foresee that the initial urge to help out a bit can start a chain of events that leads to ever-increasing dependency, which ultimately will strain the capacity of the intervenor.
Happens to people that help others such as me...
2354
Addictive policies are insidious, because they are so easy to sell, so simple to fall for.
2361
Missing information flows is one of the most common causes of system malfunction. Adding or restoring information can be a powerful intervention, usually much easier and cheaper than rebuilding physical infrastructure.
Opportunities at Honda? Who is missing information from who?
2742
There is a systematic tendency on the part of human beings to avoid accountability for their own decisions. That’s why there are so many missing feedback loops—and why this kind of leverage point is so often popular with the masses, unpopular with the powers that be, and effective, if you can get the powers that be to permit it to happen (or go around them and make it happen anyway).
This may explain my success at Honda over the past year.
2755
In the end, it seems that mastery has less to do with pushing leverage points than it does with strategically, profoundly, madly, letting go and dancing with the system.
Love this analogy and reinvigorates my inspiration to get comfortable dancing
2898
I would guess that most of what goes wrong in systems goes wrong because of biased, late, or missing information. If I could, I would add an eleventh commandment to the first ten: Thou shalt not distort, delay, or withhold information.
3030
reply
Book Title/Author/Info
Purpose
Records
Began: 9/14/2023
9/21/2023: Bought the Kindle books so I can highlight notes
Finished: 12/10/2023
Other notes:[enter other details such as whether it was restarted, skimmed, etc.]
Notes
Key Takeaways
Actions
reply
Book Title/Author
Thinking About Capitalism - PDF
https://www.thegreatcourses.com/courses/thinking-about-capitalism
Purpose
Get educated on what capitalism really is, where it came from and what has already been done to assess, improve or change (or eliminate) the capitalist system. Be more open minded about what is good and bad about capitalism.
Records
Began:
4/5/2023
Finished:
6/28/2023
History:
Lectures
36 Lectures
1) Why Think about Capitalism?
Listened twice
2) The Greek and Christian Traditions
3) Hobbes's Challenge to the Traditions
Listened twice, see audio notes from 8/3 —> Got 2/3 through chapter
4) Dutch Commerce and National Power
5) Capitalism and Toleration—Voltaire
6) Abundance or Equality—Voltaire vs. Rousseau
7) Seeing the Invisible Hand—Adam Smith
8) Smith on Merchants, Politicians, Workers
9) Smith on the Problems of Commercial Society
10) Smith on Moral and Immoral Capitalism
11) Conservatism and Advanced Capitalism—Burke
12) Conservatism and Periphery Capitalism—Möser
13) Hegel on Capitalism and Individuality
Listened twice
14) Hamilton, List, and the Case for Protection
15) De Tocqueville on Capitalism in America
Listened twice
16) Marx and Engels—The Communist Manifesto
17) Marx's Capital and the Degradation of Work
18) Matthew Arnold on Capitalism and Culture
19) Individual and Community—Tönnies vs. Simmel
20) The German Debate over Rationalization
21) Cultural Sources of Capitalism—Max Weber
See audio notes from 7/7/23
22) Schumpeter on Innovation and Resentment
Listened twice
23) Lenin's Critique—Imperialism and War
24) Fascists on Capitalism—Freyer and Schmitt
25) Mises and Hayek on Irrational Socialism
Listened twice and took notes 7/9
26) Schumpeter on Capitalism's Self-Destruction
Listened twice and took audio notes 7/16
27) The Rise of Welfare-State Capitalism
Listened twice and took audio notes 7/18
28) Pluralism as Limit to Social Justice—Hayek
Listened twice and took audio notes 7/23
29) Herbert Marcuse and the New Left Critique
Listened twice and took audio notes 7/27
30) Contradictions of Postindustrial Society
Listened twice and took audio notes 7/30
31) The Family under Capitalism
32) Tensions with Democracy—Buchanan and Olson
33) End of Communism, New Era of Globalization
34) Capitalism and Nationalism—Ernest Gellner
35) The Varieties of Capitalism
36) Intrinsic Tensions in Capitalism
Notes
Goal: Read/Listen to High-Impact Books (Alex) @ 4/5: Started “Thinking About Capitalism”
Meeting Task Queue (General: Alex / Ben): 5/19/2023:
Thinking About Capitalism - PDF
Emphasis of experience over theory…
Experience is more realistic than theory
The now is the thing that is most true…even more true than our knowledge of the past
“Because institutions were interlinked, reforming one institution might have destructive effects on other institutions, so Möser often saw his role as a conservative intellectual as making explicit the tacit wisdom of existing institutions and practices.”
But this assumes that institutions as they stand are in harmony or at least stable in equilibrium…this is perhaps over-idealistic. It’s likely that we are in state of flux and institutions are actively undermining other institutions.
The emotions associated with conservatism and progressivism
Conservatism in the US has become associated with naturalism, specifically with religion
And yet liberals also have naturalist perspectives too
Our Political Nature - notes?
(2013) Our political nature: the evolutionary origins of what divides us
Hegel
Freedom is more than just the ability to do what people want and express their particular attributes...it's also the ability to feel connected to something bigger than oneself; to feel bonded to ones place in the world
Institutions are critical in supporting this freedom
The family institution bonds us to our group and fosters altruism
The free market bonds us to those we don't specifically know and love
And a form of guilds, which he likened to professional organizations and would bond us to the greater society by fostering a sense of meaning and connection to our work
He believed these guilds should have representation in the government
The governments function is to protect the basic freedoms of all including property and individuality which includes choice of beliefs and control of their own bodies
I think this guild concept is interesting if it incorporates equal representation from all guilds in government
Hegel emphasized that it should be ones choice which profession to take on and to be able to change if desired, meaning one can move through different guilds in their life, but they always have some guiding support system in whichever guild they are part of, and that it would support their sense of greater meaning and connection
Familiarize myself with the French Revolution
Take note on the specific description of freedom that Hegel defines by listening to the audio book
Lecture 15: Alexis de Tocqueville's Democracy in America explores the propensity toward individualism and materialism in America and the countervailing influence of republican institutions and religion.
Found it exceptionally insightful towards the state of culture in the US and the backdrop to which we've developed as humans beings, including myself.
It also is poignant in it's assessments of strengths and weaknesses of democracy and capitalism
I especially found it interesting that the acquisition of sufficient wealth leads one to believe that they are truly independent and they lose interest in the common good
I felt this described my experience with wealthy people in my life such as my mom's family and Tara's aunt
Recommend Ben to listen to it to get his take.
7/1: Listened a second time and it was even more insightful to me than I recalled. Should do some detailed note taking on this
de Tocqueville focuses his work more on the pros and cons of democratic capitalism on impact to individuals both as individuals and through their impact on others
He explains that it has the propensity to be very good for individual and collective well being
He explains that moralist needs to focus their attention on connecting individualism to ethics —> We need to do a better job with this kind of education as standard
However, he doesn’t discuss address his own chief concerns regarding the increasing power of companies through industrialization and the challenges of specialization —> This is where we need to better understand the guide rails necessary to maintain the good aspects of democratic capitalism while protecting against the significant potential pitfalls (ex: big business gaining too much influence)
I realized that when we allow special interest groups to influence on change the laws that impact people individually (not collectively) this is corruption of what is good about capitalism
Example being when laws mandate certain behaviors:
Outlawing abortion
Mandating or banning affirmative action
Banning or even encouraging certain relationship types (gender based on style based)
Requiring serving someone you disagree with (graphic designer refusing to do work for gay couple)
Instead, we should allow groups to influence via market forces and moral education, including:
Religious beliefs
Cultural norms
Lecture Twenty-Two: Schumpeter on Innovation and Resentment
Joseph Schumpeter (1883–1950) was one of the most wide-ranging analysts of capitalism. He adopted Marx's idea that capitalism was inherently dynamic, constantly revolutionizing the means of production. However, unlike Marx and most mainstream economists of his time, Schumpeter emphasized the role of entrepreneurs—individuals who introduced innovations in products, organization, or distribution. In entrepreneurial capitalism, there was a phenomenon known as "creative destruction," where new products and distribution methods replaced older ones. Unfortunately, this dynamism, according to Schumpeter, led to widespread resentment against capitalism.
The German steel entrepreneur August Thyssen exemplified many of the characteristics that Schumpeter thought typical of the entrepreneur. Thyssen economized in his personal life as well as in his business life.
The role of the entrepreneur, as conceived by Schumpeter, was to disrupt the established patterns of economic life. This disruptive function demanded exceptional mental creativity and energy, which were not commonly found among individuals. Schumpeter observed that entrepreneurs, as individuals, typically lacked the heroic personal qualities often associated with leadership. Their success relied on their ability to concentrate their attention and energy on a specific area of interest, while disregarding other aspects of their surroundings.
Schumpeter thought that the pattern of boom and bust that comprises the business cycle could be explained in good part by the introduction, imitation, and absorption of clusters of entrepreneurial innovations.
The entrepreneur, however, is more typically motivated by a desire to leave his mark in the world, to prove himself superior to others, and by “the joy of creating, of getting things done, or simply of exercising one’s energy and ingenuity.” It is precisely these nonutilitarian elements of capitalist activity that Schumpeter thought essential in explaining the psychology of the entrepreneur.
Schumpeter portrayed antientrepreneurial resentment as inherent in capitalist society.
Lecture Twenty-Three: Lenin’s Critique—Imperialism and War
The refutation of the arguments for a link between capitalism, imperialism, and war came from Joseph Schumpeter’s “The Sociology of Imperialism” (1918).
He argued that capitalism tended to promote pacific and pacifistic attitudes and that imperialism was best understood as a holdover of attitudes, emotions, and social classes from the precapitalist era.
For Schumpeter, imperialism was an atavism, a throwback of attitudes from the past.
Contemporary imperialism was due, he thought, to the power of irrational propensities that otherwise had few outlets.
The family
A dilemma facing members of families is to what extent they should engage in alternative uses of their time: in paid labor in the market, in unpaid labor related to the household, or in consumption in the household.
To the extent that the market produces commodities that people want to buy, they have to work in the market for wages.
Conversely, to the extent that people spend their time working in the market, they will need to purchase commodities in the market to compensate for the goods and services not being produced in the home.
To the extent that men and women can work, and do work, in the marketplace, this can create a labor shortage in the household itself.
This leads to a sense of a shortage of time, of tension between time spent in the income-generating market versus time spent on family.
It also presents difficult decisions about reasonable substitutions between the services one could do oneself versus the substitutes for them that can be purchased in the market.
Thus there are trade-offs between the household and the market.
26) Schumpeter on Capitalism's Self-Destruction
Thinking About Capitalism [PDF Converted] @ But the benefits of capitalism, Schumpeter argued, were not only economic. He argued that much of what is most characteristic about modernity could, at bottom, be attributed to the spread of capitalism, and to the kind of patterns of thought that capitalism promoted. That pattern of thought Schumpeter called “rationalistic individualism,” that is to say, the tendency not to take things for granted, not to take things on authority, to try to use human reason to weigh the advantages and disadvanta...
Thinking About Capitalism [PDF Converted] @ Schumpeter thought there was also a link between widespread participation in the market and the belief in individual autonomy, that people should decide for themselves. A market activity, he argued, led to a belief in the need to judge for oneself, based on conclusions that were derived from worldly experience, rather than from tradition or from supernatural authority. And these habits of mind, this focus on autonomy, also led to modern trends like the increasing emancipation of women.
Thinking About Capitalism [PDF Converted] @ Indeed, he thought, this emphasis that comes about in a capitalist society on worldly well-being—and the belief that society was malleable, and that poverty is not an inevitable part of the human condition, which occurs to one as one comes to live in a world of economic growth—that had led, he thought, to the development of humanitarianism, that is to say, a sense of duty oriented towards what he called “utilitarian ideas about the betterment of mankind.” And as a result, Schumpeter argued, comp...
Thinking About Capitalism [PDF Converted] @ In short, capitalism was ultimately responsible for the growth of the good things valued by right-thinking people. But capitalism might disappear despite its economic triumphs, Schumpeter argued, because of social and cultural processes that capitalism itself set into motion. Here we see Schumpeter’s conservative side coming to the fore, his skepticism about the extent of human rationality. He argued that by promoting a rationalistic mind- set—that is, the belief that each individual ought to su...
Key Takeaways
External threats break the barriers created by conservatives to allow change —> It is a common pattern in history that when things get scary, people are eager to change in an effort to avoid what they are afraid of…think: In Chinese, the world “crisis” is translated to 危機. 危 means “danger” and 機 means “opportunity”.
Actions
What kind of capitalism does the US use?
Acquire transcription of course?
Requested info from Great Courses on 6/23/2023 via their online support system
6/26/2023: Email
Hello Mr. Zichettello,
Thank you for your message and inquiry. We appreciate your interest in our course on Thinking about Capitalism.
Unfortunately, this course does not have a printed transcript book available. It appears it has been discontinued. We only have the digital version of the transcript, however, without having purchased the course, this digital version will not properly appear in your online account, if you did try to order it. It must be purchased in conjunction with the course itself. I apologize for the disappointment. If you would like to order the course and the transcript book, please call us at 800-832-2412 or you may go to our website, https://www.thegreatcourses.com/courses/thinking-about-capitalism. It doesn't appear that it is on any discount sale at the moment.
Please let me know if you have any other questions.
Kind regards,
Terra Davies
The Great Courses Customer Support Team
4840 Westfields Blvd, Ste 500, Chantilly VA 20151
www.thegreatcourses.com
US & Canada: 1-800-832-2412
United Kingdom: 0800 298 9796
Australia: 1800 461951
7/9/2023:
Noticed the content was steeply discounted today so decided to go ahead and purchase the instant video and transcript: Receipt
Access the video and content here: https://www.thegreatcourses.com/player/Video/5665?autoplay=false
Online guidebook and transcript: https://www.thegreatcourses.com/pdf/aHR0cHM6Ly9zZWN1cmVkb3dubG9hZHMudGVhY2gxMi5jb20vYW5vbi5lYXN0YmF5bWVkaWEtZHJtL2NvdXJzZXMvNTY2NS9EVDU2NjVfQ2FwaXRhbGlzbS5wZGY%2FY291cnNlaWQ9NTY2NSZGTmFtZT1EVDU2NjVfQ2FwaXRhbGlzbS5wZGYmdXNlcmlkPTAyNTBEOEUyLTAyMDYtRjIyMC0yMUQxLUQ3NkIwOTYyODk0RiZvcmRlcmlkPTMxNDE1OTI2NTM1OQ%3D%3D
Downloaded copy: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1KrXqANzln78pZFnC0y5e4RymeDTnbVYa/view?usp=drive_link
Would really like to take more detailed notes from various lectures
Try audio notes or bookmark notes by voice
6/29: Was terrible experience. Look into better options.
See Recording Audio Notes Without Hands
Would really like to learn more about modern capitalism beyond 2008
Go through audio book marks and collect insights
Responses to Comments
reply
Thinking About Capitalism @ 1) Why Think about Capitalism?
Thinking About Capitalism @ 7) Seeing the Invisible Hand—Adam Smith
Thinking About Capitalism @ 11) Conservatism and Advanced Capitalism—Burke
Thinking About Capitalism @ 13) Hegel on Capitalism and Individuality
Thinking About Capitalism @ 15) De Tocqueville on Capitalism in America
Thinking About Capitalism @ 22) Schumpeter on Innovation and Resentment
Thinking About Capitalism @ 27) The Rise of Welfare-State Capitalism
Thinking About Capitalism @ 28) Pluralism as Limit to Social Justice—Hayek
General Notes
reply
Book Title/Author
Purpose
Records
Began:
2/3/2023: Alex Started
Finished:
History:
Notes
Key Takeaways
Actions
1/28: Goal: Read/Listen to High-Impact Books (Alex) @ 1/28/13: Tara asked Leanne and I to read a book about deciding whether or not to have a child: The Baby Decision: How to Make the Most Important Choice of Your Life
reply
Book Title/Author
Audible Details
Purpose
Tim Fedullo really recommended I read this book and I think it will help me communicate better with him about his perspectives on viruses and the danger of Covid-19 and other viruses/infections.
I think have a better well rounded understanding of the basics of the immune system will help with discussions with Ben regarding his ideas and beliefs.
The immune system has many implications in life, both for myself and those I care about. Having a strong understanding will help with more confidently making medical decisions for myself and advising others.
Records
Began:
11/30/2022
Finished:
3/15/2023
History:
Notes
The book was written by a non-technical/non-scientist with a background in communications and a passion for the immune system based on personal experience and largely self education.
Several related videos made by the company of the author:
How The Immune System ACTUALLY Works – IMMUNE
You Are Immune Against Every Disease
Images from book (shared by Tim Fedullo)
Immune: A Journey into the Mysterious System That Keeps You Alive
Key Takeaways
Health is better understood as the absence of something rather than having something…it is the absence of pain and discomfort that may get in the way of living your life in the world. Having health means that your body is maintaining it’s internal homeostasis.
The body is in a constant battle between “the other” and the “self” and has evolved to recognize and handle all kinds of “others” that pretend to be “the self”. And the human body has gotten extremely good at doing this.
So much so that it poses unsolved problems for things like organ transplants…to this day, because cells have unique attributes that your body recognizes as you, organ transplants require heavy medication that suppresses the immune system indefinitely. Simply because your body can recognize the new organ as “an other” and Killer T-Cells recognize a foreign matter and attack it.
The very instructions that cause an embryo to rapidly grow also can cause cancer
Actions
Review key concepts and get a good solid understanding of the parts I don’t quite remember well:
Antibodies
etc.
reply
Book Title/Author
Links
PDF: https://libgen.is/book/index.php?md5=E1EB7D4DD98C7E6A85BC76C25330E7F7
Purpose
KMWorld 2022 @ Recommended the Knowledge Managers Handbook
Records
Began:
11/14/2022
Finished:
2/2/2023
History:
Notes
The Knowledge Manager's Handbook: A Step-by-Step Guide to Embedding Effective Knowledge Management in your Organization 2nd Edition, Kindle Edition - $50
My Kindle Link: https://read.amazon.com/?asin=B07YDT99ZC&ref_=kwl_kr_iv_rec_2&language=en-US
Notes included here: Export Notes from Readwise/Kindle
Copied here: The Knowledge Manager's Handbook - Export Notes from Readwise/Kindle
Chapter 13: The knowledge discussion elements of the KM framework:
Key Takeaways
Actions
Should export notes and mark up highlights which also contains various notes/tasks. Should do this while planning for next business period
The Knowledge Manager's Handbook: A Step-by-Step Guide to Embedding Effective Knowledge Management in your Organization @ Notes included here: Export Notes from Readwise/Kindle
reply
Book Title/Author
Purpose
Records
Purchased Kindle E-book on 10/19/2022
Amazon purchase link: The Smart Girl's Guide to Polyamory: Everything You Need to Know about Open Relationships, Non-Monogamy, and Alternative Love
Kindle book link: The Smart Girl's Guide to Polyamory: Everything You Need to Know About Open Relationships, Non-Monogamy, and Alternative Love
See highlights and notes - When completed, run export from Readwise
Began:
Audio: 9/13/2022
Finished:
Audio: 11/23/2022
E-book/Note Highlights: 11/27/2022
History:
Notes
Chapter 2 /
Audio Chapter 5:
Know thyself - the most important foundation, even before communicating
Who you are and how you feel is constantly changing
Section III - Mastering Non-Monogamy
7) Land of Love-Craft
Minimalism
Key Takeaways
There is a rich history that predated the term “Polyamory” and worth considering/researching
pg 62: Non violent communication is a key skill that I should work on, especially in the context of Goal (Alex): Learn to Be and Accept Myself
See Smart Girls Guide to Polyamory: Exported Notes and Export Notes from Readwise/Kindle
Planning Activities for Having Children @ Alex’s highlights related to children:
Action
reply
Highlight
Note
Color
Location
The Unwritten History of Polyamory
yellow
525
Men of the Lakota Sioux would sometimes choose to create a deep, committed bond with another man, known as kola
yellow
610
The Huron embraced having multiple partners and discouraged any public displays of jealousy.
yellow
614
Among the Pawnee people, both polygyny (a man having multiple female partners) and polyandry (a woman having multiple male partners) were common.
yellow
617
Of course monogamy is not inherently bad. Monogamy and sexual preference in general have unfortunately been wrapped up in the moral code of long-standing religious and political institutions that have historically sought to control and limit human behavior through guilt, threats, and sometimes even violence.
yellow
652
relationship structure and sexuality have become psychologically entangled with our sense of virtue and ethics.
yellow
655
In the early 1800s, French philosopher Charles Fourier began writing and publishing his radical views in rebellion against the industrialization of society. Fourier called for the creation of a utopian society that would abandon the nuclear family structure and abolish anything that repressed human desires, including sexuality.
yellow
664
Fourier staunchly supported the liberation of women and may have been the first to coin the term feminism.
yellow
667
Many self-proclaimed “Fourierists” attempted to create utopian intentional communities in America during the mid-1800s, with varying degrees of success.
yellow
673
The Fourierist movement of the mid-1800s also saw the rise of Joseph Smith and the creation of the Mormon religion.
yellow
676
In 1848 Noyes established the Oneida Community—an intentional community of about 300 members who shared property, raised children communally, and were permitted to engage in multiple romantic and sexual partnerships.
yellow
693
The Oneida Community lasted a little over thirty years—significantly longer than most other Fourierist societies of the time, which historically dissolved after four or five years.
yellow
700
The only remnant left is the Oneida Ltd. silverware company, still going strong today.
blue
708
The stifling conventions of the Victorian era were abandoned by many modernist intellectuals of the time, particularly by the famous Bloomsbury Group—a group of London-based writers and artists including author Virginia Woolf and her sister, painter Vanessa Bell, poet T. S. Eliot, and acclaimed economist Maynard Keynes (he’s the guy to thank for giving us Keynesian economics).
yellow
721
Keep in mind that this is all taking place in the early 1900s in Edwardian England. The Bloomsbury Group not only cast off societal aspersions toward homosexuality, gender roles, and non-monogamy, but the majority of them also went on to create seminal works of art, literature, and intellectual theory. The unconventional community started to dissolve in the 1930s as its core members began to pass away.
yellow
733
Other Influential Poly Women: • Edna St. Vincent Millay (1892–1950) Millay’s poetry and writings on female sexuality, desire, and feminism earned her recognition and success early in her career; she received the Pulitzer Prize for poetry in 1923.33 Millay and her husband kept their marriage open for all twenty-six years of their relationship, and she maintained concurrent relationships with both men and women during this time.34, 35 • Simone
yellow
738
Simone de Beauvoir (1908–1986)
yellow
744
Polyamory requires blunt, transparent honesty about one’s innermost feelings, thoughts, fears, and desires.
yellow
1029
If being blatantly honest with your partners makes you feel uneasy or anxious, or if you find yourself resorting to omitting information, it can be helpful to examine what kind of relationship to honesty was established when you were young.
yellow
1048
If you’re under the impression that you don’t have a particular way you fight or that you don’t resort to a myriad of strategies to make yourself right and the other person wrong, go ask someone who has been in an argument with you at least three times (parents, siblings, and exes are great for this).
yellow
1073
Sex is part of our psychology, and that means it also causes some troubling questions. Am I sexy enough? Do I think about sex too much? Is my sex drive too high? Too low? For women, there’s the added stress of worrying about pregnancy, about being labeled as “frigid” if you don’t want to have sex, or being labeled as “slutty” if you do.
yellow
1095
check in with yourself and get curious about what kind of sexual being you are and what kind of thoughts, feelings, and opinions about sex you may have.
yellow
1109
The very concept of being in a relationship where you’re “sharing” a partner with multiple others is abjectly terrifying to many.
pink
1129
the default tactic is to make sure to avoid jealousy-causing circumstances at all costs.
yellow
1130
Within non-monogamous relationships, this shows up in the form of never wanting to hear any details about your partner’s other partners, or setting up restrictions on how intimate other relationships can grow.
yellow
1132
The problem is that these behaviors treat the symptom but not the disease.
yellow
1134
The fear of being alone is universal. Yet relationships themselves rarely allay our fears or insecurities.
pink
1138
Even when we’re not alone, we are still afraid of being alone.
pink
1140
The fear of losing a partner and being alone manifests in many ways: jealousy, anger, anxiety, possessiveness, competition, arrogance, indifference, and many other unsavory attitudes.
yellow
1141
It is important to figure out now what these deeply held negative beliefs are.
pink
1145
Discovering your vulnerabilities gives you an opportunity to be gentle with yourself and enables you to give your partners insights into the things that trigger your jealousies and anxieties.
yellow
1146
Regardless of your reasons, you’re someone who is ready to stop playing by someone else’s rules.
yellow
1160
Your future decisions don’t need to be dictated by the expectations of your family, your culture, your church, or your peer group.
yellow
1164
start creating a unique masterpiece
yellow
1166
If you could really have whatever you wanted in regard to love, sex, and relationships, what would it look like?
pink
1168
Or perhaps you envision a large, happy family of partners and metamours (your partners’ other partners) dedicated to raising a whole passel of little kids together.
blue
1172
As you go through the questions below and continue reading this book, keep in mind that your fantasy love life may be more achievable than you think, though it may not look exactly the way you initially envision it.
yellow
1177
What kind of person do you have to be in order to get the love life that you want?
yellow
1184
What kind of people do you want to be romantically and sexually involved with?
yellow
1185
How do you personally define commitment? How do you know if someone is in a committed relationship with you?
yellow
1187
If you’re interested in polyamory or some other form of non-monogamy, why is that? What are your reasons for pursuing it?
yellow
1190
What are your thoughts on raising children within your romantic relationships? Would you want just one partner to act as coparent, or could you envision multiple partners raising your children? Would you feel happy being part of the child-rearing process for a child who was not biologically yours?
yellow
1191
You ever notice that there are some fundamental things they never taught you at school? For instance, personal finance.
blue
1211
It’s one thing to know how to calculate 10 percent of your income; it’s another thing altogether to develop the diligence to put that 10 percent into your savings every month.
blue
1215
the traditional education system does not teach us much about adult relationships.
yellow
1217
I originally wrote this for Multiamory.com as “7 Habits of Highly Effective Poly Relationships,” and to this day it’s still one of the site’s most popular articles.
blue
1240
Your sense of commitment to your partners involves a dedication to being the best possible version of yourself that you can be, and maintaining the responsibility of caring for your partners.
yellow
1246
It allows you and your partners to live in a realm where communicating with vulnerability is welcomed.
yellow
1249
You also need to stay committed to yourself. This means knowing how to set personal boundaries and learning how to best take care of yourself emotionally, mentally, and physically.
yellow
1251
It is better to have a partner say, “Yes, I get it. You’ve told me twice already,” than say, “I had no idea you felt that way! Why didn’t you tell me?!”
yellow
1269
Expressing your feelings honestly calls for emotional responsibility. That means owning your feelings
yellow
1281
Your emotional state, while influenced by external events and outside factors, is entirely shaped by your internal decisions about how to react in any given moment.
yellow
1285
It’s a subtle shift in psychology—it may be your partner’s mistake, but it’s your reaction.
yellow
1286
Knowing when to H.A.L.T. has merit. Are you feeling hungry, angry, lonely, or tired? If so, right now is probably not the best time to talk, especially if the subject matter is uncomfortable or difficult.
yellow
1300
Practice being able to step away from a heated argument.
yellow
1310
Find an established set of tools or a particular communication system to rely on, especially when discussing emotionally intense topics. I prefer to use nonviolent communication (NVC) as a ritual to keep me in line and prevent me from slipping into emotionally driven communication.
yellow
1319
You can find a recap of this and more information at the official website for the Center for Nonviolent Communication at cnvc.org.
blue
1336
But regardless of flexibility and timing, sometimes someone ends up at the crappy end of the scheduling stick.
yellow
1368
At the end of the day, choosing flexibility is much more likely to bring happiness and peace to you and your partners.
yellow
1373
Self-efficacy is a mix of confidence, self-esteem, and the ability to bounce back from setbacks.
blue
1385
For most people, entering into a poly relationship involves a lot of learning—learning about yourself, learning to manage emotions, learning to communicate better, learning how to love many people without hurting them or yourself.
yellow
1392
confidence in knowing that they have the capability to handle whatever arises.
pink
1401
Most people establish a strong or weak sense of self-efficacy in childhood and their formative years, but there are still many options for developing it as an adult.
yellow
1402
A radically honest relationship format will take every single insecurity you have and drag it out into the spotlight.
pink
1409
When your inner voice of insecurity is going from zero to sixty, it changes everything if you make the choice to be vulnerable and share it with your partner.
yellow
1416
Vulnerability is uncomfortable, but it doesn’t have to be feared. If anything, it should be embraced as an opportunity to get closer to your partners and to begin shaping new thought patterns around your insecurities.
pink
1425
“Reach for the most compassionate version of yourself. You’re doing this because you love people.”5
yellow
1438
One of the primary distinguishing points that separates ethical non-monogamy from traditional relationships is a sense that you, your partners, and your partners’ partners are all on the same team.
pink
1445
It requires choosing cohesion over conflict, choosing connection over competition.
pink
1447
Straying beyond the bounds of “normal” almost always guarantees reactions ranging from excited, curious fascination to confusion, disgust, and ridicule.
yellow
1470
be gracious, kind, and to keep doing you.
pink
1473
It takes major guts to face your deep fears surrounding rejection, loss, and personal insecurities. It takes even more guts to let someone you love be free, trusting that they’ll still care for you;
pink
1481
keep up that curiosity about yourself, the same way you are curious to learn about a lover.
pink
1501
“Dating yourself” goes beyond getting to know yourself; it also means taking care of yourself.
yellow
1509
A large part of my personal self-care involves having alone time. When I don’t actually schedule “me time,” it quickly fills up with obligations to partners, projects, friends, and others, and I find myself depleted.
pink
1512
Equanimity is the state in which you are able to enjoy the good parts of life without desperately clinging to them, and to weather the bad parts without kicking and screaming.
pink
1539
Let go of tightly held baggage from past relationships that is preventing you from opening up your current relationships. Don’t let your partner’s past mistakes have a lasting hold on your heart, and make a commitment to not dredge up past faults to use as ammo in arguments. Let your future be open, blank, and ripe for every possibility, free from constraints of the past or anxiety over what happens next.
yellow
1559
There are many inroads to jealousy, and every individual can be triggered by totally unique circumstances that may link back to childhood memories, trauma from past relationships, or any number of strange quirks embedded in one’s emotional makeup.
yellow
1640
the most common hang-ups that trigger jealousy are comparisons, competition, fear, and loss of control.
yellow
1642
Online and offline, comparisons are unavoidable.
yellow
1662
However, the meaning that you apply to these comparisons is what makes the difference between feeling good about yourself and falling into a death spiral of jealousy and insecurity.
yellow
1665
There’s been much research on the ways that animals naturally compete for water, food, mates, shelter, and other resources. Humans have taken competition to the extreme—you
yellow
1675
If you believe that love is hard to come by, it is quite natural to become possessive.
yellow
1684
The problem is that people are not property, and love is not a limited resource. People can’t really be given, taken, stolen like treasure, won like a prize, or shared like a toy.
yellow
1688
The capacity to give and receive love is infinite and abundant.
yellow
1690
Jealousy arises out of fears that are usually well-established in one’s psychological makeup from an early age.
yellow
1696
If you’ve been betrayed, lied to, cheated on in the past, it is all too easy to assume that the same nightmare will happen again.
yellow
1701
Dr. Rankin proposes allowing our fears to teach us exactly what it is we need to address within ourselves in order to remove our barriers to happiness. Heartbreak and loss crack us open, and in that crack we can witness who we really are, what we really need, and find so many more opportunities to continue to live and love, even when we feel like shutting everything out. She even proposes granting permission to break your heart—to a pet, to a child, to a new romantic partner.
pink
1712
It’s important to be up-front about your sexual history for reasons of health and safety, but it is also a shared responsibility to combat assumptions that a woman who has had multiple sex partners is used up or dirty.
yellow
2011
Sex, much like spirituality, is a personal journey.
yellow
2021
Good sex is not only physically pleasurable, but mentally and emotionally as well.
yellow
2037
Good Sex allows for evolution and flexibility. Humans are amazing creatures and what turns us on and gets us off can change many times throughout a life. Good Sex requires us to be willing to look with eyes wide open at our shadow self, our trauma, and our ingrained beliefs. Good Sex is neither being attached or indifferent. It is being fully present, without grasping, for the amazing thing that happens when people decide to come together to do what we have been doing since the beginning of humankind.
yellow
2043
The first step is in learning what feels good when you are by yourself.
yellow
2060
Contemporary research and observation of brainwave frequencies find that women experience just as quick and enthusiastic a response to erotic images as men do.
blue
2068
nurture, rather than nature, has trained women to abstain from consuming the same amounts of pornography as the average male.
yellow
2070
It is necessary to let go of preconceived or culturally installed ideas of what you should find sexy in order to discover what you actually do find sexy. This requires bringing mindfulness to your brain and body and being vigilant in noticing the sights, sounds, smells, and situations that get your nerves tingling and whisks your mind into the realm of tempting fantasy, whether for a brief moment or for the rest of the day.
yellow
2086
Imagine learning how to drive when your only educational resource is the Fast and the Furious film franchise.
blue
2103
we did not evolve to be instinctually disgusted by sex or repulsed by others having sex.
yellow
2106
seek moderation and mindfulness. Moderation in porn consumption will protect against desensitization, or ending up in a rut where you are unable to become aroused during sex with a partner.
yellow
2110
If you have never examined or questioned your sexual orientation before, it is an illuminating exercise to really look at why you are the way you are—even
yellow
2137
An aromantic person is someone who feels very little or no romantic attraction to other people.
blue
2156
Condoms and dental dams are not magical intimacy-blocking force fields, nor are they beacons of shame and mistrust.
yellow
2291
Make time to have straightforward conversations about what will happen if you, one of your partners, or one of your partner’s partners gets pregnant unexpectedly.
yellow
2300
best to bring it up to a new partner before sex is on the table at all.
yellow
2335
Brad was pro-hierarchy—Polyamory means dedication to a primary partner. Everyone else comes second. All decisions have to be made with the commitment to the primary relationship in mind.
blue
2408
Jase, still smarting from feeling disempowered, was strictly egalitarian—Polyamory means not letting any one person dictate what happens in other relationships. All partners get equal agency.
blue
2409
In the midst of listening to what each of my partners wanted and trying to keep all the plates spinning, I had completely lost sight of what it was I wanted. In the interest of maintaining the peace, I had forgotten that my desires existed. The forgetting was so complete that I could no longer remember what my needs, wants, and expectations had even been to begin with.
pink
2423
I wrote the Constitution of Dedeker Winston primarily to discover what I valued.
yellow
2435
The whole thing ended up being several pages long, and since I included an appropriate clause on allowing for amendments, it has undergone some revisions.
yellow
2440
That power to create is what has always excited me about polyamory.
blue
2446
I went through a lot of trial and error before realizing that I had the power to create relationships that served me, my life, and my partners.
blue
2452
if the definition of marriage could be changed to remove the limitation of only being between a man and a woman, could it also be changed to remove the limitation of only being between two people?
orange
2465
defining, understanding, and legitimizing relationships that include more than two participants may become a public conversation in the future.
orange
2468
Vee A vee relationship looks exactly the way it sounds—like the letter V. One person in the “pivot” or “hinge” position is involved with two partners who are not romantically or sexually involved with each other. These two noninvolved metamours may be very close friends, or they may just be polite acquaintances. Some polyamorists are involved in more than just two dyad relationships that are not emotionally or sexually connected, expanding the V shape into more of a multi-pointed star or asterisk. Some people refer to this as their intimate network, or their polycule, or their web.
blue
2475
The term “relationship anarchy” was first coined by queer feminist writer Andie Nordgren in a pamphlet she published in Sweden in 2006.2 Because the movement is so new, people openly identifying as relationship anarchists are still relatively rare.
blue
2534
Relationship anarchy holds that all interpersonal relationships are important, not just those that are romantic. A relationship anarchist might engage in polyamory and have multiple, concurrent loving relationships, but may also avoid making special distinctions between relationships that are romantic, sexual, platonic, or familial.
pink
2537
allows all relationships to self-govern, without external restrictions or expectations on what that relationship should be like.
pink
2539
Relationship anarchists argue to the contrary, stating that love is abundant, and an individual should craft their commitments to fit each unique relationship. A strong foundation of self-awareness of one’s relationship values is highly encouraged.
Out of all the types of relationships, relationship anarchist is the one that most speaks to my values and also my desires personally.
pink
2544
It is important to distinguish that hierarchy that arises in a manner that is prescribed, preset, or established is subtly different from a hierarchy that arises in a manner that is descriptive, organic, and flexible.
yellow
2572
An organic, or descriptive, hierarchy organizes relationships based on the nature and circumstances of each relationship.
yellow
2573
Hierarchal polyamory is a subject of controversy in the non-monogamous community, for reasons discussed later on in chapter 8.
yellow
2582
Hierarchy almost always comes into play if one relationship has a significantly longer history than others. This particular situation is faced by monogamous couples who are looking to transition into non-monogamy by opening up their relationship.
yellow
2583
Changing the agreements and structure of your relationship is going to be both exciting and challenging, especially if you’ve been monogamous with your partner for a long time.
yellow
2589
What you and your partner do need is a strong sense of self-efficacy. It might be helpful to review chapter 4 and take note of which attitudes and practices are present in yourself and in your partner and which ones might need a little work.
pink
2597
A rule is imposed by one person upon another person, or by one relationship upon another relationship.
yellow
2607
A boundary is a limit or restriction that you place upon yourself.
yellow
2609
If a person or situation crosses one of your boundaries, it is your responsibility to enforce the consequences upon yourself and no one else.
yellow
2610
Everyone has physical, emotional, and mental boundaries. However, not everyone is consistent in enforcing their own boundaries or in respecting the boundaries of others.
yellow
2612
Boundaries are crucial to keep yourself safe and to maintain the integrity of your values.
pink
2687
1. Determine what behavior from others runs counter to your values.
pink
2694
2. Set a boundary that addresses that behavior.
pink
2697
3. Determine how your boundaries will be enforced.
pink
2703
agreements can bend and shift with circumstances, with personal growth, and in response to mistakes. Rules, like the oak, get broken in the face of resistance.
yellow
2725
A good relationship agreement takes into account the needs and humanity of every partner.
yellow
2729
Holding the space for flexibility and negotiation gives breath and vitality to each of your relationships.
yellow
2742
I agree to maintain complete transparency of information and total honesty in communication within the realm of respecting the privacy of each of my partners.
pink
2754
Create your relationship agreements from a place of trusting that your partners love you and have your happiness in mind, rather than the fear that your partners are going to hurt you.
pink
2766
Take the time to write out a list of boundaries, a collection of guidelines, or a manifesto for yourself before creating something similar with one or multiple partners. Figuring out where you stand and what you expect of yourself will produce something much more detailed and comprehensive. After all, you know (or are getting to learn) all of your strengths, weaknesses, and insecurities. All of your ins and outs. When it’s time to come to the table with one of your partners in establishing agreements for your relationship, that comprehensive self-knowledge will allow you to do something that may seem counterintuitive at this point: simplify.
orange
2772
Once you’ve compiled something representative of your values and agreements, whether they are your personal guidelines or created with your partners, try to find the common thread. See if you can discover a single guiding principle that would sum it all up. Can you write that principle in one sentence? In one word?
This is another way to identify values that can be considered for pA. it's a kind of "back-calculation"
pink
2778
Finding the fundamental essence of your agreements doesn’t mean you have to scrap all the specifics, but it allows you to cut to the heart of what is most important to you and to your partners. It’s unlikely you’ll be able to come up with agreements for all contingencies. Situations that you completely did not expect can and will happen. Having your single motto can act as a solid baseline when circumstances throw you for a loop. A few of my favorites that I’ve seen:
orange
2780
Honesty over harmony.
yellow
2784
No surprises.
yellow
2785
Treat others better than you want to be treated.
yellow
2786
Trust over fear.
yellow
2787
Write a list of the things you definitely want from your relationships and what you definitely don’t want.
yellow
2790
Let your vulnerable, emotional self take the wheel for a little while.
yellow
2792
what kind of person you would have to be in order to deserve your ideal love life.
yellow
2795
Human needs are infinite, and our capacity to be fulfilled is infinite.
yellow
2858
Having personal agency is traditionally defined as having a sense of control over one’s life and actions. But it’s important to avoid confusing a person who seeks agency with a person who seeks to control or dominate.
yellow
2900
The polyamorous are also particularly adept at maintaining agency when a relationship is not working:
yellow
2914
While this usually warrants a breakup or divorce in monogamous circles, polyamory allows for flexibility.
yellow
2915
It’s an appealing option if circumstances are no longer making it easy to conduct a relationship, though it does require careful negotiation:
yellow
2918
people in poly relationships can attest that NRE is a double-edged sword. While it feels fantastic, it can also make it easy to neglect existing relationships.
yellow
2931
Know that you’re riding a chemical cocktail, and enjoy it as much as possible, but don’t make any major life decisions.
yellow
2932
it is possible to experience both jealousy and compersion at the same time.
yellow
2939
If nothing changed about my partner from here on out, would I still want to be in the relationship?
pink
2979
Non-monogamy forces you to be brutally honest when you are facing the end of a relationship.
yellow
3011
However, cutting straight to the heart of the problem grants an opportunity to examine if, rather than end the relationship, it’s better to transition the relationship to something that better serves the people and circumstances involved.
yellow
3015
As relationships evolve, it is never taking a step backward. Instead, it’s just another step on the path to organically finding a relationship that is in the best possible shape for the people involved in it.
yellow
3024
“concession creep”—when you concede to a partner’s unreasonable demands or needs little by little, until you’ve found yourself without a leg to stand on.
yellow
3030
Gas-lighting got its name from the 1938 play Gas Light by Patrick Hamilton, wherein a husband mentally manipulates his wife into thinking that she is insane, including lowering the gas-lighting of the house but insisting that she is imagining any change in the lighting.
blue
3054
An emotionally abusive individual will get the victim to question his perception and feelings by controlling the narrative of what is actually going on in the relationship. Poly relationships are particularly prone to this because there is usually a lot of discussion about feelings.
yellow
3055
Even though your partner may totally disagree with your perception of an event, she should be able to acknowledge that viewpoints alternate to her own are possible.
yellow
3062
Instead of seeking a triangular relationship, where each leg of the triangle has a voice, most unicorn hunters are seeking a T-shaped relationship. The primary couple establish themselves as the most important relationship, and from the get-go it’s “us” vs. “you.” It is “our” girlfriend.
blue
3102
If you can envision yourself going on a first date with your third alone, or envision your partner going on a first date with your third alone, then you are likely off to a good start.
blue
3115
A heterosexual couple decides to open up their relationship.
yellow
3118
These gender dynamics seem to plague newly non-monogamous heterosexual couples in particular, but the fear of an unfair or unequal relationship dynamic can affect anyone.
yellow
3127
some people turn to rules to solve the problem: we agree to only seek out one-night stands, no getting the heart involved. Or we agree to only pursue romantic relationships, no casual sex whatsoever.
yellow
3135
Forcing equilibrium to happen in a relationship is disastrous, and yet the actual experience of equilibrium can be invaluable.
yellow
3143
Often, the best way to understand your partner’s experience is to step into their shoes and try on that experience for yourself.
yellow
3146
Seek an organic equilibrium based on mutual understanding and trust, rather than on needing external circumstances to look equal at all times.
pink
3149
Mono/Poly
pink
3150
The mono/poly hybrid relationship is a unique beast.
pink
3151
this is an arrangement particularly prone to conflict. In practice, relationships between a monogamist and a polyamorist end up with one partner having to accept a disproportionate level of compromise.
pink
3155
the couple may choose to practice one-sided polyamory, but this dynamic may not produce healthy results either. The mono partner may be holding out hope that this poly “phase” will eventually pass. The poly partner may worry about causing harm or sparking jealousy in her mono partner, which impels her to restrain herself in communication and in seeking new partners.
yellow
3159
It is difficult to find a compromise between two vastly different relationship approaches that will not leave one or both sides feeling resentful.
yellow
3167
What many people entering incompatible relationships fail to realize is that love is powerful, amazing, and life-changing, but at the end of the day, love is not enough.
yellow
3169
That being said, there is a sprinkling of mono/poly success stories.
yellow
3172
Effective mono/poly relationships require both partners to strive for near-unconditional love for each other, which is difficult for any human being.
pink
3175
There has to be a baseline of full acceptance; each partner must be willing to accept each other exactly as they are, without any hidden desires to change the other person.
pink
3176
And both have to be willing to endure considerable growing pains as each person tries on individual compromises.
pink
3178
It is possible to have a mono/poly relationship, but bear in mind that it requires willingness on both sides to endure lengthy negotiation, processing, and discomfort.
pink
3178
Driven by panic and insecurity, I fought to become priority number one. I asked Brad to spend holidays with me months in advance, fearing that if I didn’t secure the date, he would give it to someone else. I made myself as available as possible, shifting my schedule and canceling any engagement that conflicted with the times that he told me he was free to spend time with me. I was tender and saintly as he told me about fights he had with his other partner about scheduling conflicts and her jealousy issues. I prided myself on being “the good child”—never making any complaints even when I was upset, never pushing my jealousy on him even when I was seething with it, never contradicting him even when I disagreed. When Brad and I finally established each other as primary partners, I breathed a sigh of relief. Finally, security! At last, I could relax and not give a hoot what he did in his other relationships, because I was number one.
orange
3255
The problem was that security and relaxation never really arrived. Now that I had made it to the top of the mountain, I had to defend my position as king of the hill.
pink
3262
my thinking about relationship importance shifted from primary/secondary to focusing on priority, flexibility, and fluidity.
pink
3317
Unless you are a staunch relationship anarchist, it’s unlikely that you’ll ever be able to keep all of your relationships truly equal, even if you are actively trying to avoid a strict hierarchy. Life circumstances, changes caused by personal growth, and the unpredictability of human emotions will cause your relationships to shift in importance and intensity, regardless of your best efforts to keep everyone in a particular place in your heart.
yellow
3332
In order to love, our hearts need softness, flexibility, and careful handling (and the occasional padded room). They require a fluidity of feelings, emotions, and relationships that mimics the constant inflow and outflow of your blood. The boundaries you place on your own heart need the gentle yet clear stance of a line drawn in the sand, not the outright aggression of a barricaded fortress.
pink
3345
if human hearts are on the line, you must find the guiding lights of flexibility, fluidity, and above all, compassion.
pink
3348
What are ways that you can make someone feel special outside of imposing these relationship formats? How do you reassure someone of their importance outside of granting them primary status?
yellow
3356
Non-monogamous and polyamorous folk may find it relatively easy to “pass” as normal, everyday, monogamous people.
blue
3385
There are many valid reasons to choose to “pass” as something else rather than coming out of the closet. You may be in a situation where coming out is not worth the risks, or could be physically dangerous to you or those you love.
yellow
3389
if there are no immediate threats to your welfare and safety, I urge you to come out and share with the world the joy, love, and fulfillment that you’ve discovered.
pink
3391
someone of an alternative sexuality may never be able to talk about her lifestyle, her partners, or her gender identity, without it being associated with deviancy and abnormality by others.
yellow
3406
Others may even see it as unethical, flagrant, or completely inappropriate. If you work with children, the reactions will be even more scandalized.
yellow
3412
for many people, being open about polyamory or non-monogamy would be a direct threat to their career.
yellow
3413
Long-term relationships inevitably develop their own strengths, weaknesses, neuroses, and lots and lots of history. Your parents and siblings know exactly how to push your buttons for good or ill; not only because they’ve had years of study, but because they were the ones to install them in the first place.
yellow
3417
For some of us, the approval of our parents is a priceless treasure sought from early childhood, and receiving their disapproval feels like the most crushing of failures.
yellow
3422
recognize that it’s likely to come from a place of love, though it may not feel like it in the moment. These are the people who care for your well-being, who may feel protective of you, and who want you to be happy and successful.
yellow
3425
Only 4 percent of the American population openly reports being involved in some form of non-monogamous relationship.1 Many people choose to stay closeted, so let’s be generous and project that as much as 10 percent of the population is currently in or seeking polyamorous or non-monogamous relationships.
orange
3437
you’re likely to field a lot of rejection while seeking out partners. You’ll be passed over on dating sites, and you may even receive insulting messages.
yellow
3447
You will encounter people you’re attracted to, who are kind and funny and compliment you and make you feel good about yourself, but who you will have to say no to because they want something very different from what you are offering.
pink
3452
Conversations about nontraditional relationships will likely give rise to in-depth explanations of your philosophy, your feelings, your religious and political leanings, your worldview, and the nature of love itself.
yellow
3462
If you are with people who are genuinely curious, these conversations can be stimulating, informative, and revealing.
yellow
3465
When you open up about the details of your romantic life, you’ll be surprised how many people will open up to you in turn.
yellow
3466
If you are with people who are scandalized, offended, or otherwise have their hackles up, these conversations may be more of a defensive debate.
yellow
3467
Sadly, there is already a history of judges revoking child custody because the polyamorous lifestyle of the parents was deemed unsuitable and dangerous. For this reason, most polyamorous people who have children choose to remain in the closet.
pink
3471
Not everyone is as fortunate as Gracie was. Despite the growing body of evidence that being raised in a polyamorous household is not detrimental to children, many courts will easily revoke the custody of parents who are involved in any romantic or sexual behavior perceived to be deviant.
pink
3479
offers a refreshing chance to live a more authentic life.
yellow
3492
newfound sense of freedom.
yellow
3496
it will be a shining beacon to those who think and feel the same way that you do.
yellow
3500
It’s the first step to having a support network of people who can share your pain, offer a listening ear, or give much-needed advice. Such a support system is priceless, and you can learn more about that in chapter 10.
yellow
3504
Once you are free from having to hide, omit, protect, or withdraw, your partners get to enjoy you at your fullest, with no reservations.
yellow
3515
include the people that you interact with on a personal level on a daily basis—certain
yellow
3528
it is important to account for the effort that may be necessary to maintain a relationship with someone who reacts negatively to your romantic life.
yellow
3545
there has not been an adequate amount of research to determine if there is such a thing as a “polyamory gene.”
blue
3570
some people describe discovering polyamory like a homecoming—finding the validation and acceptance for thoughts and feelings that began in very early childhood.
yellow
3575
Other people feel more like a “switch”—no strong leanings to be either monogamous or non-monogamous, but content with whatever format their relationship is taking at that exact moment.
yellow
3576
Read polyamory blogs, forum posts, and books like this one. Know your facts about sexual health.
yellow
3588
expose yourself to a variety of opinions and interpretations to fill in the gaps.
yellow
3589
If the person you’re talking to has a negative or emotionally intense reaction, it is imperative that you maintain your inner calm. Give this person their space to react and to process, but do not escalate the situation by matching their emotional level. Avoid raising your voice, making physical displays of agitation, or letting the conversation stray from the realm of discussion and into the gladiatorial arena.
yellow
3604
People may argue the fine points and logistics of your lifestyle. They may tell you that you are sinful, dirty, crazy, confused, sick, or just plain wrong. They may insult you or your partners. But at the end of the day, no one can argue with your happiness.
yellow
3610
Some people come to the realization that they are polyamorous while in the middle of a monogamous relationship. It’s exciting to find a relationship philosophy that resonates with you, but terrifying to face the prospect of having that conversation with your monogamous partner. Here are a few tips to keep in mind:
yellow
3617
After several years of running in this circle, I’ve come to learn that the alternative attracts people from all walks of life.
yellow
3683
Human beings started out in tribes. It was the first social structure we ever knew! In early human history, you were likely to have grown up in a group of anywhere from thirty to 150 people. Many of these people would have known you since you were born and would have helped feed you and care for you when you were sick. In turn, you would be present for the birth and growth of every new member of the tribe, witnessing their good moments and bad. Unless you encountered another tribe, you would spend most of your days without running into anyone you could call a stranger. You ate, slept, hunted, and mated with people that you already knew.
blue
3694
After millennia of cultural shift, blending, and upheaval, the Agrarian and Industrial revolutions, and the effects of wars, politics, and technological developments, our daily social lives have taken on an entirely different shape. The nuclear family unit is paramount, semi-penetrable from the outside only by those who legally marry into it.
yellow
3699
We are more likely to spend our days surrounded by strangers, or at best acquaintances, punctuated by interactions with just a few people intimately close to us. It is a confusing experience, disquieting to our deeply buried human instincts—to be surrounded by other humans, yet still capable of feeling alienated and profoundly alone.
pink
3702
most of us are more likely to seek intimate relationships and friendships rather than become solitary hermits. We are still trying to get back to that campfire.
yellow
3706
the people who make up your inner circle, your community, your tribe are the people who sustain you, support you, love you, and bring you more fully into the experience of being human.
pink
3708
The more cohesion and peace present in your tribe, the more happiness for everyone in it.
pink
3711
the concept of family extends beyond genetic ties. Your tribe, your pod, your group, your support network, your polycule is your chosen family.
yellow
3716
Most people you would meet out on the street are expecting that any serious connection will naturally lead to monogamy,
yellow
3738
Online dating is far from perfect, but it expedites the process of filtering good or bad matches by allowing for total transparency up front.
yellow
3741
helpful to connect to a local polyamory meet-up group to find dating partners who are already experienced in non-monogamy.
yellow
3742
there are three important things to bring to your dating practice: transparency, authenticity, and flexibility.
pink
3744
because you’re at the mercy of any number of preconceived notions about polyamory or non-monogamy, give details about what your relationship choice means to you. Talk about what you’re looking for, how many other partners you have, and how important those relationships are to you.
yellow
3748
the more detailed information you are able to give a potential dating partner, the better she will be able to give or withhold her consent to entering a dating relationship with you. The key here is that she will be able to give informed consent—she knows what to expect from you, what the shape of your life is, and with an understanding of all the factors in play, she can give a solid “yes” or “no.”
yellow
3756
Transparency up front may be uncomfortable, but it saves you from a world of pain down the line.
yellow
3763
The more transparency you have, the more authentic you become. Authenticity comes from your outward presentation coming into congruent alignment with your inner self.
yellow
3765
When you are operating authentically, you can dive into the great joy of being loved holistically.
pink
3767
Be warned: this is a lifelong pursuit. As nice as authenticity sounds, it is freaking hard
yellow
3768
The eternal challenge is to acknowledge the fear of being authentic and choose to be authentic anyway.
pink
3777
The process of finding partners is always going to have some disappointments, and the only way to make it through without banging your head against the wall is to have flexibility.
yellow
3784
If you create a rigidly defined box that potential partners have to perfectly fit into, it’s likely you will be disappointed by all the people that don’t fit.
pink
3785
Non-monogamy allows you to relax the box mentality. You aren’t looking for the one perfect person who will fit you today, tomorrow, and fifty years from now, which means you get the great opportunity to expand the limits of what you look for in a romantic partner.
yellow
3791
Head into your date without expectations, positive or negative, and allow yourself to enjoy connecting with another being, sharing a conversation and a brief moment in time, and then continuing on your own way, open to however the future between you may unfold.
pink
3795
Playing games, dropping hints, and tiptoeing around what you actually want may put you in a less vulnerable position, but it also increases the chances that the object of your affections will be confused, frustrated, or oblivious to what you want.
pink
3822
In reality, the cowboy has an agenda, though he himself may not be consciously aware of it. He’ll assume that you’re just taking your time to play the field, to explore your options, to enjoy being single for a while before settling down. He’ll feel confident that once your relationship with him gets to the right level of emotional intimacy, you’ll be ready to forgo all other lovers and enter a monogamous relationship with him. The worst part is that cowboys are rarely up-front about these assumptions.
yellow
3839
You say “I’m polyamorous” and the cowgirl hears “I’m dating around.” You say “I have multiple romantic partners” and the cowgirl hears “I’ll be ready for an exclusive relationship later down the road.”
yellow
3849
How to avoid cowboys and cowgirls? Most of it is transparency. If you avoid obscuring the details of your relationships and what you’re seeking, it automatically filters out most people who would be seeking the exact opposite.
yellow
3851
Some polyamorists drag out relationships with the die-hard monogamous under the same delusional thinking. I know this because I tried to pull this stunt in several relationships in my early days of poly. I could see so many red flags that it wasn’t going to work out, that we wanted different things, and could even be told point-blank by my new partner that he wanted to be monogamous. Still, I would think, “He’s just unenlightened. Once he sees what an awesome partner I am, and how great polyamory is, he’ll be hooked and everything will go swimmingly!”
pink
3856
Poly-prenticing
yellow
3862
However many partners you choose to have, it’s important to maintain a sense of when you might be polysaturated—the point where it may be difficult to add more relationships without compromising the time, energy, and effort given to others.
yellow
3887
Cross-pollination within your inner circle of partners and friends is neither to be categorically avoided nor forced.
yellow
3895
I encourage any client of mine who is brand-new to polyamory to find a meet-up group in their area as soon as possible, but not for the purpose of finding someone to date right away. Many polyamory mixers involve discussion groups or book clubs, where you’ll have a chance to ask any questions you may have and share your concerns, or even your excitement and successes. Most importantly, being around other normal poly folk gives you a chance to see just that: normal poly folk, of all ages, shapes, classes, races, and creeds. There will usually be a healthy mix of old hats and total newbies. If your only experience of non-monogamy has been from reading books or browsing online forums, connecting to others face-to-face humanizes the experience. You can find poly meet-up groups in nearly every major city with some quick searching on the Internet and social media.
yellow
3903
Your support network may also include poly- and kink-friendly professionals such as therapists, counselors, coaches, and others.
yellow
3909
When You’re the Partner in Common
pink
3932
It’s best to avoid being the broker as much as possible. Brokering sets you up as the intermediary between your partners. Although at the very beginning you are the only link between these two (or more) individuals, it’s best to encourage your metamours to create connections between themselves independently.
yellow
3934
If one of your partners takes issue with another, encourage him to confront your other partner directly.
yellow
3937
Everyone needs to feel like they are on the same team. In order for any polyamorous relationship to work, your partners cannot see each other as rivals.
pink
3941
Cohabiting
pink
3947
If you are considering moving in with one or multiple romantic partners, here are a few things to keep in mind.
yellow
3956
For much more specific information and guidance on the logistics of polyamorous cohabitation, check out The Polyamorous Home by Jessica Burde.
orange
3957
Whether you subscribe to established relationship hierarchy or not, cohabiting will establish a sort of logistical hierarchy into your love life.
yellow
4004
It’s important to maintain some separation in your relationship in order to sustain attraction. If you and your living partner are free to seek your own interests, pursuits, and relationships, it injects the breathing space necessary to keep things from getting dull. If you are still creating a life independent from your partner, you are still growing, changing, learning, and being an interesting human being for your partner to continue to discover!
yellow
4016
Many people report that having sex with a variety of partners actually contributes to their sex drive and sexual exploration within each relationship.
yellow
4022
Kids in Poly Families
pink
4027
In her book The Polyamorists Next Door, Dr. Elisabeth Sheff compiled fifteen years’ worth of research on polyamorous family structures and the benefits and disadvantages of raising children within a poly household.
orange
4030
Sheff found that children raised by not only their parents, but their parents’ partners as well, enjoyed having the attention and care of multiple adults and felt confident and safe in their family’s love.
yellow
4032
The biggest drawbacks that Sheff found were the difficulties the families encountered in combating stigma, sometimes directed at children far too young to handle a conversation with someone criticizing their parents’ relationship choices.1
pink
4033
The most successful poly families with kids have a strong foundation of open, honest communication about relationships and sexuality.
yellow
4035
The better I know myself, the clearer and more effective I can be as a parent.
yellow
4047
This night stands out to me because of the way it made me feel. I felt happy within my small tribe—I was safe and cared for, surrounded by people who knew me and who were all on the same team. It felt so far removed from the world of managing jealousy, of negotiating boundaries and agreements and rules, of quelling feelings of insecurity or competitiveness. It just felt natural, comfortable, peaceful.
blue
4075
regardless of the ebb and flow, I still aspire to this standard in my romantic life. I still aim for that sense of family, of community, of tribe. People and relationships shift and change, but that sense of cohesion and safety is precious and lasting.
yellow
4079
Exercise #1 If you were to build your tribe from scratch, who would it include? Make a list of at least five ideal people you would want in your community. This may include romantic partners, close friends, your partner’s partners, or mentors. These people may already be in your life, or they may have yet to enter your life. If the latter, brainstorm where you might meet these people.
orange
4091
Culture is indeed changing, but what both the alarmists and the hopeful optimists fail to realize is that it has always been changing. That’s the nature of existence. Whether said change is good or bad is relative.
orange
4116
It is impossible to give full coverage to every issue relating to relationship, gender, and sexuality, but here is a brief snapshot of what’s going on in the world at the time of this writing:
orange
4121
The communities mentioned face unique challenges that are distinct from those faced by the polyamorous community. However, what’s held in common is the entanglement of personal freedoms with government regulation, the clash of traditional ideals with progressive thinking, the struggle to protect the wholesome normal folk from all the deviant weirdos. It goes beyond the fear of someone who looks, talks, acts, and lives differently from the norm. The long-standing rhetoric has been that traditional family values are under attack from all sides: by the so-called gay agenda, by the feminist movement, by transgender individuals, and now by the non-monogamous.
yellow
4177
For hundreds of years, the Puritan undercurrent in American culture has taken major issue with pleasure. There’s a collective neurosis surrounding pleasure, and it is fundamentally believed that pleasure cannot be had for pleasure’s sake.
yellow
4188
To indulge in pleasure for its own sake, especially sexual pleasure, is still a basis for condemnation and judgment.
yellow
4190
From the outside, having multiple partners appears shamelessly indulgent, and polyamorists in particular are often criticized as being selfish.
yellow
4191
Dr. Elisabeth Sheff coined the phrase “fear of the polyamorous possibility.” Once a person becomes aware of the possibility of openly maintaining romantic and sexual relationships with multiple partners, there’s a potential for extreme reactions of disdain, disgust, and fear.
yellow
4193
Like much homophobic rhetoric, there is an inherent fear that there is some force of licentious deviancy that is trying to convert and corrupt the virtuous.
yellow
4199
Sheff argues that this fear is so common because nearly everyone can relate to some part of non-monogamy,4 either through experiencing or acting on a desire for someone who is not their current partner, or being aware and fearful that their partner might feel that same desire for someone else. To be presented not only with the possibility of non-monogamy, but also the idea that it could be a viable, healthy option, is challenging to many people. To some, the polyamorous possibility represents chaos, a loss of control, and the threat of losing a partner to someone else.
pink
4201
see an implicit attack on traditional marriage, monogamy, and the nuclear family unit.
yellow
4205
The current “tradition” of family may look fairly cookie cutter: mommy, daddy, and two-point-five kids. Family is so much more expansive than this. Like the chosen family or the tribe mentioned in chapter 10, the expansive family is a fundamental truth of our human nature. This is the family that cannot come under attack from anything, because it can be found regardless of circumstances, location, or legislation. This is the family that we choose individually, populating it with people who enrich our lives and hold us up through the difficulties of existence. To choose this family or tribe, whether it be through marriage, adoption, cohabiting, or everyday association, is our birthright as human beings.
pink
4211
Critics claim that these movements seek to destroy tradition and the conventional family, but it may be more accurate to say that these movements seek to widen the spectrum of acceptance.
yellow
4216
Widening the range of acceptance and understanding also widens the possibility for happiness and peace on a societal level.
orange
4220
Numerous news outlets ran op-eds assuring that gay marriage would not lead to multi-partner marriage, because there’s no way that kind of relationship could ever work in the first place.
yellow
4230
There has yet to be a strong call to advocate for marriage rights for the non-monogamous.
pink
4232
Most people who are willing to step outside the boundaries of traditional relationship rules have also abandoned any conviction about the institution of marriage, yet the lack of formal recognition has allowed job and housing discrimination, child custody battles, and long-standing relationships barred from partaking of the benefits currently granted to married couples.
yellow
4232
others in the community would rather advocate for shifting our cultural view away from seeing marriage itself as the all-important foundation of family and society. For this, we would need to focus on increasing the rights of those who are not interested or able to enter into a standard marriage contract. This would involve allowing single people to receive benefits normally reserved only for married couples, such as tax breaks and reductions in health insurance costs and university tuition. It’s also necessary to consider the rights of people who wish to raise children without entering a dyadic marriage to do so.
yellow
4242
With a lack of formal protection or recognition, some poly folk have turned to the infrastructure of business partnerships. The business world has many more options for handling contracts and supporting entities composed of multiple people, such as LLCs and Subchapter-S corporations. In the future, marriage contracts may be able to become similarly manifold in order to support a wide variety of relationship formats.
pink
4247
Legal recognition of multi-partner relationships may come not in the form of marriage rights, but parenting rights. Poly researcher Dr. Elisabeth Sheff suggests that it may be necessary for society to shift its perspectives on family from being based in marriage to being based on children and parenting.5 Not all poly folk seek to raise children, but for those that do, advocating for shared parenting rights may be the fastest road to recognition and protection. At the time of this writing, California is the only state that has changed legislative standards to allow a child to have more than two legally recognized parents.6
yellow
4255
even in healthy non-monogamous, heterosexual relationships, does the sexual autonomy of the man inherently mean the woman is still suffering under the thumb of the patriarchy? As much as she claims to have actively chosen polyamory, is she really, deep down, just doing it to please her man? (Note: non-monogamous gay and lesbian relationships do not seem to trigger the same outcries from doubting feminists.)
blue
4269
Feminists in support of non-monogamy point to the ideally equal-opportunity nature of effective non-monogamous relationships.
yellow
4272
For this to work, not only does the woman herself need to feel empowered enough to feel free and happy to fulfill her various sexual and romantic desires, but her partners must have abandoned archaic beliefs about controlling female sexuality that are still firmly embedded in our social psyche at large.
yellow
4273
Statistically, more women than men request open relationships,7 and the majority of books published on polyamory and non-monogamy have been written by women. Slightly more men than women identify as polyamorous,8 meaning that heterosexual poly women have access to a greater variety of options when selecting male partners, quite contrary to the maligned imagery of harems and sister-wives.
yellow
4278
It is the unspoken expectation that a woman’s goal is to out-pretty every other woman around.
blue
4285
But in an arena where no one can claim total ownership over their partner, it’s difficult to justify a default of suspicion and rivalry toward other women.
yellow
4287
Does this all add up to mean that polyamory is inherently feminist?
blue
4289
there are a growing number of excellent role models for the poly community that are raising their voices, creating content, and leading the campaign for freedom of relationship choice. However, there is an unfortunate side effect of having to constantly present the best face of non-monogamy. In an ongoing push for polyamory to be seen as valid and normal, it is difficult to publicly acknowledge darker topics.
yellow
4302
In poly relationships involving multiple people, it is more difficult to hide physical abuse or get others connected to the relationship to allow it to perpetuate.
yellow
4311
Because polyamorous relationships often require people to enter the intensely vulnerable process of negotiating for their needs, there is fertile ground for fear-motivated emotional manipulation, guilt, and power games.
pink
4314
It’s theorized that more men than women come to polyamory because it implies an opportunity to freely have sex with several women with little effort and no consequences. Polyamory activist and blogger Pepper Mint named this the “Valley of the Dolls” fantasy.
yellow
4322
Most adults can distinguish between fantasy and reality, but something strange happens when an individual who has been consistently exposed to this fantasy is introduced to polyamory. On the surface, it resembles some of the key elements of the Valley of the Dolls fantasy: this is a community where you’re likely to encounter sexually liberated women who are supportive of a person having multiple sex partners. This alone is enough for many people, and predators, to say, “Sign me up!”
yellow
4329
Many a poly woman has consistently complained that certain men, upon learning that she is non-monogamous, automatically interpret it to mean that she is happy to fuck whoever crosses her path, including him.
yellow
4334
He will use a person’s sex-positive nature to justify exploitative behavior, such as being pushy, aggressive, demanding, manipulative, or violating boundaries and consent.
yellow
4335
Keep in mind that these assumptions and behaviors may not be conscious. The predator may regularly be confident, charming, and generally likable, with little awareness of his own predatory energy.
pink
4337
within more sexually liberated circles, it is difficult to raise complaints about predatory behavior within a wider context
yellow
4344
If your poly community can come together to confront someone’s predatory behavior with an approach of compassion and healing, then all power to you. If not, the responsibility may fall on you to confront a person on their predatory behavior when you witness it, again with the aim of guidance. Remember that this person may not even have an awareness of the mistakes they are making. However, if the predator in question continues the behavior, even after confrontation and discussion, it may be time to cut ties.
yellow
4354
the media flocks to cover the sensational and scandalous topic of non-monogamy in the safest and least offensive way possible. Journalists usually seek out white, heterosexual couples in an open relationship for interview subjects.
blue
4360
In other words, the media seeks to represent polyamory in a way that looks as close to monogamy as possible: couple-oriented and nonthreatening to men.
blue
4363
Those who are living with mental illness are vulnerable to having their unconventional relationships blamed on their condition, or being warned that their relationships may exacerbate their condition. Survivors of abuse invite the blame to be placed on them for engaging in a “deviant” relationship in the first place.
yellow
4370
The majority of the most prolific and publicly acknowledged writers within the poly community live up to the privileged image most often represented in the media: white, educated, and financially stable. There is a crucial need for the poly community to create a supportive and normalized space for a diverse range of voices and experiences.
yellow
4385
How do you see yourself fitting into the future of the polyamory movement?
yellow
4390
patience is the willingness to keep planting seeds, even if you don’t know the hour when they will sprout.
yellow
4410
The pursuit of healthy relationships requires the same patience. This patience enables you to go within and confront your inner demons of insecurity, even though it’s upsetting.
yellow
4413
Your patience frees you to let yourself get dirty, trusting that the results will manifest and unfold over time in healthy, balanced, fun, joyful, and deeply fulfilling relationships.
pink
4416
There are limitless, mysterious depths not only in love, but the myriad forms that relationships can take, the many facets of your partners, and the vast, shifting expanses within yourself. It may be impossible to get to the bottom of the depths within your own heart.
yellow
4427
If there is anything you take away from this book, let it be this: keep planting those seeds, and keep exploring your inner depths over and over, with every new relationship and with every life milestone, with every moment spent quietly with one’s thoughts. Continue a dogged pursuit of abandoning hand-me-down cultural assumptions and never cease to revisit the question, “What is love to me? What am I going to do about it?” The answer may always be a moving target, shifting and swaying and making sudden left turns as you shift and sway and make sudden left turns in your existence as a perpetually changing human being. The people in your life may not be able to hand you the answer, but love them from the depths of your soul, because each one gets you closer to it.
pink
4429
But the polyamory movement is not about revolution. It’s not about taking down the man, shaming the monogamous, disparaging vanilla sex, or vilifying traditional family life. Instead, this is about evolution. Revolution is replacement, while evolution is expansion, transformation, and adaptation—going beyond. Evolution is universal and coexistent; all species gradually and uniquely adapt to meet the challenges of their individual environments.
pink
4450
So it is with the blossoming awareness and acceptance of polyamory and non-monogamy. As a collection of human beings in different environments, with different needs, we are learning to adapt. We are shifting and adjusting to a world where every person can freely meet their romantic and sexual needs in a sustainable way, and that way may look different from person to person.
yellow
4458
We are building our acceptance for a variety of relationship formats, and creating a standard that allows for coexistence. I can get my needs met and find peace without needing to restrict someone else’s ability to seek the same.
yellow
4460
The Polyamorists Next Door: Inside Multiple-Partner Relationships and Families, Dr. Elisabeth Sheff (Rowman & Littlefield Publishers, 2013). After over a decade of research, Sheff presents her findings on the benefits and challenges faced by children raised in polyamorous households.
orange
4483
The Polyamorous Home, Jess Mahler (Self Published, 2016). A thorough guide to maintaining poly-friendly living arrangements for a variety of relationship formats.
orange
4490
Wide Open: My Adventures in Polyamory, Open Marriage, and Loving on My Own Terms, Gracie X (New Harbinger Publications, 2015). An intimate account of the author’s experiences opening her marriage and raising children with multiple partners in a polyamorous household.
orange
4505
Stories From the Polycule: Real Life in Polyamorous Families, Ed. Dr. Elisabeth Sheff (Thorntree Press, 2015). An anthology of personal stories told by people in polyamorous families.
orange
4511
Poly in the News, polyinthemedia.blogspot.com. A regular roundup of media coverage on polyamory.
orange
4528
Polyamory on Purpose, polyamoryonpurpose.com. A collection of practical advice for people in polyamorous relationships, with several articles on polyamory and mental illness and polyamory and pregnancy.
orange
4531
Loving More, lovemore.com. Originally one of the first print publications on polyamory; has now grown into an official nonprofit organization that holds regular events.
orange
4533
The Center for Nonviolent Communication, cnvc.org. Many free resources on nonviolent communication, as well as information on workshops and practice groups.
orange
4541
OkCupid, okcupid.com. This free dating network is currently the best option for those seeking polyamorous partners or alternative relationships, as it offers the widest range of profile filters for relationship orientation, sexuality, and gender identity.
orange
4546
OpenMinded, openminded.com. A site specifically marketed toward people looking for non-monogamous partners, though their approach is more couple-oriented.
orange
4549
Fetlife, fetlife.com. A massive online social network for people interested in kink.
orange
4550
polyfidelity—a closed relationship of more than two people who have agreed not to date or sleep with anyone outside of the polyfidelitous group
yellow
4628
polysaturated—used to describe a polyamorous person who is not currently seeking new partners due to having their time and energy already occupied by other partners
yellow
4631
vee—a relationship connection between three people, forming the shape of a V. One person in the “pivot” or “hinge” position is involved with two partners who are not romantically or sexually involved with each other.
yellow
4654
reply
Book Title/Author
Purpose
Competitor benchmark for Project AMPLE and learn about Tiago’s thoughts and ideas on PKM
Records
Began:
8/26/2022
Finished:
9/12/2022 (audio)
History:
Purchased E-book on Kindle 8/31/2022
Notes
https://www.buildingasecondbrain.com/
See Kindle highlights and Notes: https://read.amazon.com/notebook?ref_=kcr_notebook_lib&language=en-US
How to effectively copy?
https://techwiser.com/export-kindle-highlights/
https://kindle-formatter.com/
Introduction
Part One: The Foundation - Understanding What’s Possible
Chapter 1: Where It All Started
Chapter 2: What is a Second Brain?
Chapter 3: How a Second Brain Works
Part Two: The Method - The Four Steps of Code
Chapter 4: Capture - Keep What Resonate
12 questions
Criteria for keeping something
Check website for resources
https://www.buildingasecondbrain.com/resources
Externalized thoughts
Chapter 5: Organize - Save for Actionability
PARA Method
Key Takeaways
See Tiago’s summary of book:
https://fortelabs.co/blog/basboverview/
Actions
Try out incorporating the PARA method into Laddice
See Building a Second Brain - Notes @ PARA Method
Either create a new Public Project OR add within Public Tags Project
Need a method to have one tag in a Project be findable when searching within that Project:
When searching for a tag or content within a Project AND a document is filtered out that contains within it the corresponding Project Tag or is missing the Project —> Indicate within the search that there are more results being filtered out AND the total number, with a bypass button to see those results
Can we create a method to incorporate personal tags within a Public Tag group?
This would allow us to create the PARA structure for users and then they can add tags within it that are personal but still organized in our structure
Need to clarify a method for moving content to Archive
The PARA structure can be replicated within the Archive, except without the last A (so PAR)
Study Tiago’s work closely, then reach out to him to discuss potential collaborations
Finish the audibook
Purchase a physical or E-book copy for reference
https://www.amazon.com/Building-Second-Brain-Organize-Potential/dp/1982167386?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1659288759&sr=8-1&linkCode=ll1&tag=fortelabs07-20&linkId=908faa5e398610c44e8bc19b8b148ade&language=en_US&ref_=as_li_ss_tl
E-book on Kindle only
https://read.amazon.com/kindle-library
https://techwiser.com/export-kindle-highlights/
https://read.amazon.com/?asin=B09LVVN9L3&ref_=kwl_kr_iv_rec_1&language=en-US
Email Tiago
Share my admiration and how much my thoughts connect to his
Appreciate his writing style and the accessibility of his work
Discuss what I’ve been trying to do with Laddice
Laddice extends The Second Brain concept into a linkage between people’s Second Brains, representing a Communal Brain that is incorporated into your personal Second Brain seamlessly
Can we try out PARA and other techniques within Laddice?
I’d like to advertise his work on our platform (with credit to him…how does he want to do that?)
Would he like to try Laddice?
Can offer consultation on how to do what he wants to do with it
Laddice = a lab to test technology ideas and how the help or distract people. The current state of Laddice is “Lab Mode” but trying to figure out what to remove…
After Onboarding System released, can we get added to his list of resources?
Building a Second Brain - Notes @ https://www.buildingasecondbrain.com/resources
Laddice ideas
Improve highlight/sub-highlight function and filtering
Can we build up Tiago’s highlight system into Laddice (with labels for the highlights)? Or built in with labels that also highlight?
Can we make the filter for colors more intuitive (by category like yellow includes all shaded of yellow)?
Severely limit Laddice down in functionality to test: Laddice Light
Introduce Folders into Laddice (modeled after Gmail where the Folder is more of an interface and functionality added to tags)
Spoke about a few ideas here in pA meeting: “grid mode” (Like Google Drive) for existing Tag View + dropping Nodes on Tag Label.
Introduce a singular Search function which finds matches within Tags and Saved Filters, including key words associated with them. In the results, show the category for the match with number of matches (Tags, Saved Filters, People, etc.) and quick button to add Tag/person to active filter and drop down for the Saved Filters.
Copied from Kindle Notes using Readwise (10/19/2022)
https://readwise.io/bookreview/18953285
Export Notes from Readwise/Kindle
reply