Being In It: Grief and Loss

Life isn't easy. It's complex and messy. There are not step by step guides that work for everyone. Feelings and rationale clash. Sometimes something feels right, but my rational brain is throwing anything it can get its tiny neurons on to say, "STOP!!!!! This is a terrible idea!"

Sometimes I have to put my feelings on hold as they wave red flags of fear in the wind, cautioning that failure might be ahead, or that my heart is in danger.

And sometimes, regardless of my good intentions, I get hurt. Or I hurt someone else. Or we hurt each other. In the best cases, I give them space and hope that we can rebuild. In the worst cases, I lose a friend. This is very difficult for me, as I cherish my friends. I care for them and work at building relationships.

Also, giving space to people is hard! It means emotionally pulling back and seeing the equivalent of a blank wall. I don't know what a particular person is thinking or feeling. The threat of impending loss is difficult.

These are times when I want to chase after the person and beg. Sob and apologize. Sometimes, depending on the circumstances, I take leave of my sanity for a couple of days and do just that. I cry and beg. Sometimes I've shown up at a person's house stalker-shiek-like and screamed and cried. It's not pretty. Usually, when I come to my senses, my first instinct is to do damage control. I want to contact the person to let them know that the premises have been secured. Crazy is no longer in the building. " But really, officer. I know it looked like me. It was my crazy evil twin: borderline. She's a straight up gangsta."

In case you've never done something to hurt someone, or felt like you need some time apart from a person, let me assure you that they don't want to hear from you immediately after you spam their phone, stalk their apartment, or call them 81 times leaving sobbing voicemails.

Out of all of the times I've given into my impulses to do these things, they have never gotten me what I wanted. Which is, usually, to reestablish a relationship with the person I've hurt. ( An inside tip: acting desperate is a great way to rid yourself of those undesirables in your life. Don't want a best friend?! Beg them to spend time with you, cling to them at every opportunity, and tell them you'll always be there. ALWAYS. A ring after a week is especially good to convince someone you're serious.)

These days, I try to calm myself down and back away. If someone tells me " I don't think I can be friends with you," I believe them. While it's fun to try to decipher whether someone means what they say or whether they're playing some game where they say one thing and mean they want you to chase them, I don't have the energy to deal with it. I try to trust their knowledge of themselves.

At worst, they realize they can trust you to give them space when they need it, and your friend is grateful for the time and space they needed to heal.

At best, after they heal, and realize you can give them space when they ask, they may feel comfortable reestablishing boundaries and trying to be friends again.

There are no guarantees in this process. I can't bargain to give a friend space with the guarantee that they'll heal and return. I have no control over someone. I have to let go, back away, and go through the grieving process.

Waiting without a resolution is difficult. Sometimes, I have to try to let go, feel sad and move on. Sometimes I do screw up. I send messages asking how the person is doing. I tell them I care about them. Sometimes I get a response, and sometimes I don't. In the end, I try not to get upset at myself for the mistake I make.

And I try to remember that I'm still the same person. I'm not a bad person because I'm struggling. Grieving is hard. Giving space is hard.

I'm sad because I'm choosing to let go of a person. But I'm being courageous, and helping a person that I love. It's still hard to let go. But if I constantly hold on to people who don't want me in their lives, I might miss incredibly great times with the people who do.

Sometimes I need to distract myself. I'll put on music or write, I masturbate or have safe, negotiated, kinky sex. I sometimes have someone beat the shit out of me ( more on this later). I run or do other things that make me feel good.

Sometimes, I throw myself a pity party. I decide that I feel terrible. I hate the choice I know I need to make. So I take 24 hours( this is my boundary. Often times it takes less.) and I feel sorry for myself. I cry, feel generally crappy and hurt and entitled. I sometimes curse the friend I'm losing, the world, my parents...anything I need to. I listen to sad music and shut myself in my bedroom. After 24 hours, I try to be kind to myself, and pull myself out. I force myself to do things a happy person would. I cuddle with my husband. Take a walk.

In general, I take about two weeks to process. I talk through the situation and figure out areas of improvement. I'm incredibly analytical and my brainis constantly whirring. Talking through the scene multiple times helps me move through it. I try to remember through the whole process: I can't control anyone else. I am responsible for my own decisions.

Today I am sad. I am strong. I am living with integrity and courage. I have friends who love me and a job that's stable.

Remember that you don't have to grieve alone! There are plenty of resources for low cost and sliding scale therapists. Get help!!!

(Published Dec 22, 2015 on Blogspot: Being In It: Grief and Loss)